Sorry that I'm posting so late but I was watching an American football game of great importance to me on Monday.
Go Bucks.
So this week we start off where we left last week with that major cliffhanger. Kimberly decided that she wanted to go back inside after being rejected by Bachelor Chris and whimper her way back into the house. She basically begs him to let her back in, and they are talking outside. She's very weepy, and apparently it is a different time because it is daytime. She is thirsty for some farmer. How can he say no, right? I mean: how awkward.
Of course, Bachelor Chris being the nice guy that he is, gives her a chance. They go back into the house and the girls are all like "wtf?" and Bachelor Chris informs them all that he will be letting Kimberly stay another week. The girls then proceed to all cheer and act happy, when inside THEY ARE SEETHING. You can just tell.
I mean who would be happy?
That's not really fair, and more competition after all.
Papa Harrison pulls Bachelor Chris aside for one of their fireside chats/pep talks. Harrison asks Chris if he remembers anything from the night before to which he responds, "it was all a blur"
OKAY. Was literally every single person fucking wasted at this first cocktail party?
Bachelor Chris then talks about how he is the 'luckiest man on earth'...um, trust me Chris, I've seen these psychos. You are not lucky.
He then proceeds to say, "I'm given the greatest opportunity any man in the world could ever have."
Really, Chris? The greatest in the world?
I'm not so sure about THAT.
I personally just think it's been a while since he's gotten laid and he's kind of horned up.
Papa Harrison then goes in to talk to all the gals. He asks them what they all think of Chris, and of course, they all begin gushing like One Direction fangirls (not that I have any room to talk...I LOVE YOU HARRY STYLES) They each take turns talking about great Chris is.
I MEAN OKAY.
Would you be comfortable with this?
I mean, here you are, sitting in a room with a bunch of other women who are probably prettier than you and have probably had a lot more sex than you and probably haven't eaten a whole five pound hershey bar in one sitting...FIGHTING OVER the same guy you are interested in.
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
I still can't understand it.
Harrison informs the girls that Bachelor Chris actually lives right down the driveway in his own private little house. The girls freak the fuck out. Apparently, this is unheard of. Of course the producers want Chris to be having lots of sex this season. Was that apart of the farmer's contract?
Also, his shower is outside.
This won't be problematic at all.
The first date card arrives and Jillian Michaels wastes no time grabbing it. The first group date goes to: Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberly, and Tara (not that these names mean anything to me at this point, I seem to have no recollection of these girls from last week)
The other girls who don't get the date are PISSED like their time isn't coming.
The card reads like "are you ready to get country?" or something stupid like that. So anyways, they all end up at some hotel in a pool..which I'm pretty sure is where every first group date has ever been.
I don't see what is so country about this.
The girls are very, very excited.
Bachelor Chris exclaims, "Let's have a pool party!" like a bunch of horny teens, which reminds me of a pool party I attended in 7th grade where my friend got her boobs felt for the first time...there are just way too many hormones.
I mean putting all of those self obsessed, self proclaimed hot girls in one pool together with a guy they are fighting over? I'm telling you. Nightmare.
Has there ever been a pool party on The Bachelorette?
NOT THAT I RECALL.
#sexist
Anyways. Kimberly manages to steal Chris away for a few moments and tries to redeem herself from her pathetic groveling AFTER HE HAD ALREADY REJECTED HER MIND YOU. (this is everything wrong with girls...crawl, crawl, crawl on back even WHEN WE ARE NOT WANTED I HATE IT)
She tries to win him over again by having a re-introduction. And it's awkward as fuck. I mean, they are sitting their in their bathing suits acting like this is fine and normal. IT IS NOT.
I always hate that in movies and stuff when people are like "I think we got off to a bad start, let's try this again..." like no. It doesn't work like that.
If you don't like someone, you don't like them. AmIRight?
Meanwhile...back at Bachelor Mansion....
Megan and Jillian go and sneak into Chris's house, and I feel like they were probably having a pool party of their own, doing some day drinking, or maybe some heavy drugs. Megan rams her head into different walls while wearing Chris's motorcycle helmet charmingly (not) and why are they blurring Jillian's ass out? Is she not wearing bottoms? Is there an offensive bush down there? I'm confused.
Back to the date.
After the pool party, Chris leads the girls through the city of downtown LA...mind you, while still wearing their bikinis. They're all kind of like 'wtf is going on?' then Chris shows them a bunch of tractors that they're going to be racing through downtown LA.
Then they're all like "lol"
It's like Mario Kart porn for rednecks.
So the girls line up and begin their tractors, only to find that tractors have one speed: slow as fuck.
Chris adorably mimics them and their determination.
The wannabe Kardashian, Ashley I. wins the race, also wins a few minutes alone with Chris.
Wow, what an accomplishment.
What I find interesting is that this clearly NOT country girl beats out all of these other girls who are pretending to be country.
Meanwhile...back at Bachelor Mansion...
Juelia tells the tragic story of her daughter's father's suicide :(
she begins crying to the girls and automatically ups herself to one of my favorites when she says she is here for Chris's character--that's what she found attractive about him. And I thought that was commendable since all the other women are just like "YEAH I'M HERE BECAUSE HE'S HOT."
Back to the date.
Ashley and Chris talk for a while about God knows what. Meanwhile, Mackenzie, the young mother of Kale, is very insecure and whines like a child that she hasn't gotten any attention from Chris. Chris comes back to the gals and tells them that he feels awkward because group dates are always an awkward situation.
Yeah.
Couldn't agree more.
You're on a date with six women.
I've been saying that was awkward for years.
So now comes the time Chris must choose who he wants to proceed on the one on one date with. To my surprise, he chooses Mackenzie. She acts 'SO FLATTERED', giggles. Tara then starts crying to the camera saying she "always walks away empty handed" and I'm pretty sure this girl has some self esteem issues that The Bachelor is profiting off of.
Chris and Mackenzie go on their date. Mac is super bubbly and acts really shocked every time he compliments her, which okay, come on girl, pull it together.
Talking to Mackenzie is like talking to a 21 year old girl who is completely clueless about the world and the way conversation works.
OH WAIT.
She tells Chris, "I haven't been on a date in sOOOooooOOOOoo long!"
WELCOME TO THE CLUB, BITCH.
Chris is like "how long?" and she goes "like...a year" and he goes "uh, yeah that's not too bad."
That's not sooOOOOOoooooOOo long, but maybe long to someone who was born in 1994.
Anyways. She's very clearly super nervous. She tells Chris he has a beautiful, large nose. She then asks him if he believes in aliens. Which, okay, in her defense, I would probably ask on a first date, too. You've got to figure out who you're dealing with. AmIRight?
We realize that she is so nervous because she's weary about telling Chris about her son, Kale.
"Like, like okay..this is so like kind of like hard, but...like..." she starts and I want to pull my hair out. She is so clearly too young for this.
Of course, she tells him, and of course he is super supportive.
Then he gives her the rose, they dance and kiss, even though Chris said he wasn't sure how he felt about her and that she freaked him out a little with the alien compliment...she'll go on for another week.
Back at the mansion the girls get the second date card aka the one-on-one date card.
Megan gets the card, but instead of thinking the card is an invitation to a date, she thinks it is a private love letter from Chris...that all the girls read in front of her?
Doesn't she know how this works?
Did she bang her head too hard on those walls in Chris's bachelor pad?
Mackenzie comes back from her date then and tells the girls the precise amount of times she and Chris kissed. The girls pretend to be excited.
Megan claims that "she can't believe that out of 23 girls, she was the first one to get a one-on-one date card!" and yeah, neither can we.
So Chris picks Megan up, and we get to see our first helicopter ride of the season. Heli-date.
"OMG THIS IS SO AMAZING, I AM SO LUCKY" - Megan (repeat x35)
They arrive at their destination: the Grand Canyon, which Megan thinks are the Pyramids.
NO I'm just kidding!
Megan and Chris share a nice moment in which Megan reveals that shortly after she found out she would be on the show, her father passed away after a fatal heart attack :(
A lot of tragedy this season.
Chris says, "I'm so lucky you're here" WHICH IS SO UNCOMMON AND UNLIKELY for a Bachelor/ette to say! I found that to be quite sweet.
They kiss and he offers her the rose. She doesn't know what that means.
NO I'm just kidding, again!
Alright so finally, we get to the last group date which includes: Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Katelyn, and Britt (if that means anything to you)
So the girls arrive in this limo to this haunted house/forest deal. Everyone is afraid to get out of the car because the zombies are attacking. They're all falling all over each other, screaming.
Ashley S and her crazy eyes look like she's ready to peace out of the car all together.
"They're all hugging each other. What, do they think they're actually going to get killed? Please" -mom
This is when the door opens and Chris pops his head in. The girls scream.
"OH IT'S ONLY YOU CHRIS HAAAH!" (manic laughter)
Chris reveals that on this date they will all get paint guns which they will use to shoot the zombies.
NOW THIS IS MY KIND OF DATE (walking dead fan)
Ashley S decides she would rather shoot the girls. The other women are a bit nervous, to say the least.
So they continue on through this course and everytime a zombie pops up, all the girls scream and shoot, scream and shoot. I mean, they would make TERRIBLE zombie hunters. But whatever.
Ashley decides she wants to take this VERY seriously. Like, I'm almost wondering if she was a SEAL or something the way she goes after them. Or maybe just a ruthless killer. She was enjoying shooting the zombies after they'd already been "dead."
She then exclaims "I feel like I'm in the Mesa Verde," with complete seriousness.
You guys.
I think she might have legitimately broken out of an insane asylum. I had no idea the casting directors did calls in the hospitals for the criminally insane.
Meanwhile...back at the mansion...
All the girls get shitfaced and do facials. Jordan gets shitfaced, in particular. She decides she wants to attempt to twerk. I don't know about you, but you don't just TRY to twerk on national television, or in a bar, or in front of people. you have to know what you're doing.
She doesn't, of course, and it's embarrassing, but I also feel like I am Jordan every weekend.
she then talks drunken shit about Jillian Michaels' hairy butt.
Back to the date.
After the zombie hunting, Chris takes some time with each of the girls. While the girls wait for their turn, they are all gathered around some couches, bonding over their fear of Ashley S, who is staring at a candle saying that it looks like an 'angel'
I can't even believe what I'm typing.
I mean, this girl is probably really actually on drugs and has some sort of problem. I feel bad for even making fun of her anymore.
Meanwhile, "Plow My Fields" Katelyn thinks she is really funny and cool (don't we all?) with annoying ass voice. She reminds me of a post Hannah Montana, pre Bangerz Miley Cyrus. She makes a few cheesy jokes that Chris probably pretends to like. She reveals to Chris that before this she lived in Germany with her ex boyfriend and that she didn't like or want to live there. So I suppose living in the middle of nowhere Iowa is a happy alternative.
They smack lips together and there's a lot of suction.
Microphone lip suction.
We go back to the Ashley S saga. She's acting so weird and creepy, I feel like she's GOT to be fucking with these girls. Right??
Op, nevermind. She acted the same way during her one-on-one time with Chris. He really genuinely tried to keep up with her conversationally, but how could you?
Ashley asks him if he wants to play hide and seek and then asks him if this is Mesa Verde again (she's really hooked on this) and he responds, whispering "Mesa Verde?" with utter confusion. She giggles manically.
He claims he is having a really hard time understanding her.
Is she real? Is she an
actress? Is she on drugs? I don’t even want to touch this one, you guys. I mean
in a sense this is everything I’d ever hoped for on this show, yet in another sense I’m
legitimately traumatized.
While Chris is talking about
her in his diary room or whatever the fuck they call it on this show, Ashley
comes up to him and dreamily tells him his leather smells good then he asks “how
are you holding up?” and she goes “I don’t even know what you’re asking me right
now”
It’s just a lot. I feel like
this girl is definitely unstable and shouldn't be here probably.
Finally, what we've all been waiting for:
Chris and Hollywood Britt get some time together. He tells her he's been THINKING ABOUT HER. WHAAAA?!
AND HE GOT HER A GIFT.
Sure, it was just a card that said 'free kiss from Chris' (OMG IT RHYMED) which isn't the most original thing in the world, but in the Bachelor world, this is a big deal.
I really think Britt is the end game. Like we should just call this now. If she doesn't go far, I'd be shocked.
Chris decides to throw everyone off and gives the rose to 'Plow my Fields' Katelyn.
COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!
Chris and Sperm Nurse whose name I cannot remember right now have a little mini date together since she didn't get invited on any of the dates. She gives him whiskey (which is precisely what we all need right now...more drunken mistakes)
I mean, this must be the Season of Whiskey.
Also, I can't even believe her voice is real it's so high. I seriously hate it. Like I feel bad. I'm sure she's a nice person, but I want him to send her home so I don't have to hear that voice ever again in my life.
Meanwhile, Ashley I. (Kardashian) is wearing the red outfit Jasmine wore when she was Jafar's prostitute, and telling the girls that she's never had a boyfriend, and never had sex.
They're shocked by this.
As we all are.
If she's a virgin, I'M THE POPE, OKAY?
Alright, that was rude. I'm sure she's being truthful.
Literally, moments later, Ashley is sitting on a couch with Chris, showing off her belly button ring, telling him that she is a genie, and if he rubs her ring she will grant him a wish. And she's a virgin. And then they kiss, but it's not really so much a kiss as an execution of the mouth.
Maybe Ashley I is actually a virgin the way she is swallowing his face you would think she'd never kissed a man before in her life.
Who is to know really?
All I know is that it was a veryyyyy disturbing kiss. And all the girls were watching. Don't blame them.
Hollywood Britt feels jealous, and
although she’s acting a little unreasonable considering she knows he is kissing
other girls, I do genuinely think she’s upset and trying not to be. Also,
unlike prior FIR winners, she doesn’t SEEM to be going around talking about how
she’s the number one to any of the other girls.
I'm really pulling for her, I just have a weird feeling still.
The rest of the women are having a fucking frenzy. One girl asks Chris if she is allowed to kiss him and he is all like "Yes, absolutely!" LIKE HE WOULD SAY NO. He's kissing ERRRBODY. He's the Oprah of kisses.. everyone gets one.
Meanwhile Jordan is still wasted. I'm pretty sure she has been completely drunk since the first cocktail party. Trina, the atypical southern bitch--I mean belle, says "Jordan, bless her heart, but she has had too much to drink"
Which is, you know, pretty accurate.
Jordan goes up to Chris and embarrasses herself horribly, running her fingers through her hair, making it a mess, telling him how she put lipstick on for him, all the while its smudging all about.
This is exactly how I felt my entire senior year of college.
Papa Harrison comes in to break up the circus and tell them that it's time to get down to business.
"Wow...this is going to be hard. This is...a great bunch of girls(?)" Chris says, but is actually thinking "um can I please get another bunch and start over?" (nervously sweats)
Rose Ceremony time:
1- Hollywood Britt
2- Ashley I. aka Horny Princess Jasmine
3- Southern Belle Trina
4- Kelsey
5- Samantha
6- Juelia
*At this point Jillian Michaels thinks that Chris has called her name. She walks forward, only to realize that he had called Juelia. But it gets worse. She trips on the rug and falls on her face. Everyone gasps. It's so awkward. Jillian cackles like a madwoman and claims that she is so embarrassed...AND SO AM I.*
7- Amber
8- Tracy
9- Jillian (this time she walks more carefully)
10- Jade
11- Nikki
12- Becca
13- Carlie/Karlie/Karly?
14- Brittany
15- Ashley S (AGAIN...WHAT THE FUCK CHRIS?!)
This show is unreal.
He picked the lunatic who needs mental help.
I can't even believe this.
The producers HAD to have told him to keep Ashley S.
That girl will murder them all before this season is over, mark my words.
Anyways.
He sends Tara, The flight attendant (I think Alissa?), Jordan (who probably has no recollection of this entire experience), Kimberly (again...ouch), Tamra?
Kimberly feels REALLY rejected. I would, too.
That is actually awful. I mean how bad must you have been to have gotten sent home before Ashley S?
Tara, meanwhile, takes it really hard and starts crying like she's been dating Chris for years. She feels like she will never find love. "I never really seem to be anyone's number 1," she cries, reminding me of every single emotional drunk girl I've ever hated. SELF PITY ALERT "it will haunt me the rest of my life" she cries. OKAY GIRL, PULL IT THE FUCK TOGETHER RIGHT NOW!
dear LORD.
This is a reality show.
This is the season of utter lunatics, I swear it.
Losers of the night:
Tara
Kimberly, in a big way
Already dead zombies
Any girl with the name Ashley
Winners of the night:
Katelyn coming out with the W on that group date
Megan for the first one-on-one date
Number of 'likes' Mackenzie said in a minute:
17
Brow games that were strong:
3
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
120 (one time per minute)
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
xo
MESA VERDE, Y'ALL. RECOGNIZE.
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