AND WE'RE BACK.
Hey folks! I hope everyone is having a lovely 2015 so far. Sorry it's been a while, but let's all just admit we only come to this blog for The Bachelor. AMIRIGHT? (except you mom, love ya)
So in case you have been living under a rock, we started this season's 'The Bachelor' with Bachelor Chris, formerly known as Farmer Chris and Prince Farming, apparently. We get a glimpse of Bachelor Chris's life in Arlington, Iowa aka a place you've never heard of. He talks about how he is ready to find a wife, blah blah, all the usual banter. All the while, he is looking GOOD.
Bachelor Chris rolls in on a motorcycle and says he wants to feed the world WITH HIS LOVE. LOOKING GOOD. He even says "farming and love are a lot alike...you have to feed it and let it grow." I mean, whatever. If you say so.
Is he for real?
I hope so.
He goes on to talk about his awesome family, because no Bachelor/ette in history has had an awesome family. Bachelor Chris then tells us how hard it is to find love in the lonely lands of Iowa. They show him standing there at some building, waving sadly at a car as it passes by. I mean, have you ever heard anything more pathetic? Then they show him sitting with a group of significantly older men at a bar, shooting the shit.
We get the idea.
There's no girls in Iowa.
Next, we have a cameo from Hulked Up Macklemore aka Cody from Andi's season. He apparently moved to Iowa to help Chris get into tip top shape for his stint on The Bachelor.
Bachelor Chris then leans on his motorcycle looking like his own Matthew McConaughey-Lincoln like ad, ready to go, ready to find a nice wife to give him bountiful children. He lets us know that he is missing harvest for this show, so it better be worth it. Take note: every time he says 'harvest' take a shot.
Let's just all hope I can stay liking this season's Bachelor/ette for once, because I've started off liking every single one of them, and then progressively started hating them more and more as the episodes continued. We'll see. As some of you may know, I love Farmer Chris. I love his toothy grin, his cute little personality, and mostly his muscles. (admittedly) But will I love Bachelor Chris? Who is to say?
In between learning about Bachelor Chris, we get the lovely chore of watching Papa Chris Harrison hosting what can only be described as a rip off of an E!Red Carpet event from hell. I was not aware going into this 3 HOUR EVENT that I would have to endure an hour of red carpet bull shit via Papa Harrison. He's all like "This season is going to be the craziest yet!" like he hasn't said this every single season before now. He interviews former contestants and fan favorites from previous seasons of the Bachelor/ette aka all the people I hate most in the world (aside from evil dictators)
Including Andi and Josh--both of whom cannot seem to keep their hands off of each other. Andi is rubbing
Josh's back and it's a bit alarming. Catherine and Sean, who are much cuter now than they ever were on their show...except I'm not really sure about her sheer cape...and Papa Harrison's obsession with their sex life. Lacey and Marcus (if you watched Bachelor in Paradise you would know THE MESS that this is) talk about how they can't figure out any wedding plans...probably because Lacey doesn't even know how to tie her own shoes let alone plan a wedding. Upon being asked where and when they were getting married Lacey goes "we're 80/40 on a time"...so if the world functioned on a 120 scale then she'd be fine, but we don't...so....
Finally, Papa Harrison interviews Nikki the Nurse aka the winner from Juan Pablo's season. He keeps asking her uncomfortable questions which she clearly didn't plan on answering (even though she knew she would be talking about her break up, so I'm not really sure what that's all about) Nikki just kept saying she felt the need to "stand by her man" despite the fact that he was a complete ass hole. PAINFUL.
Sounds like a happy, functional relationship to me.
Good for her for finally getting rid of him.
Anyways the first hour was
Such a nightmare.
Finally, that stupid show ends and we get introduced to some of the ladies of THIS SEASON aka WHY WE ARE ALL HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE, ABC.
Including:
Britt from Hollywood who lets us know she hasn't had a boyfriend in 3 years, and hasn't had sex in an even longer time. I mean, fine, it's a little TMI, but whatever. Other than that, she seems pretty cool. She reminds me of a girl you become friends with in college who makes you reconsider your stance on wearing red lipstick to a frat party. We'll call her Hollywood Britt.
Second, we meet Jillian, who is 25, a news reporter, a big fan of fitness, and a back flip enthusiast...aka every man's dream. She's a bit in your face about how great she is which means I probably will not like her. We'll call her Jillian Michaels because she thinks her arms are as good. (please)
Third, we meet Amanda the Ballerina who says she is single because she's "fucking crazy." I don't think I need to say anything more.
Next, there is Whitney who is a fertility nurse who has a voice like a fairy from Fern Gully. She seems nice and all, but also seems like she is trying to be way too cute. These are the girls you have to watch out for. The ones who steal your boyfriend and make you feel like it's your fault for not having a cuter personality.
Then we meet Mackenzie who is 21 years old, obviously, because she looks it. She also has a one year old son named after my least favorite vegetable: Kale. She's one of those naturally pretty girls who could probably do well as an actress in a post apocalyptic drama. However, I don't know how I feel about her because I feel weird about having girls on this show that are younger than me.
Next we fly on over to meet Alissa, a flight attendant, who also has an annoying voice and would probably kill someone while they were sleeping.
Finally, we meet Kelsey, a school counselor who actually seems pretty cool. She seems down-to-earth. However, she recently became widowed... which is very very sad, and I'm not sure if finding love on a reality TV show is the correct route? But I hope for the best here.
Finally after an hour of BS, Bachelor Chris arrives in L.A. on his motorcycle. I'm very glad to see he made it there from Iowa in one piece. He talks about how nervous and excited he is. They show him getting his promo pictures taken and having to try on a bunch of different suits and whatnot. He exclaims, "this is so exhausting!"
Um, more exhausting than reaping the harvest?
IDK Chris.
And of course, before the girls can arrive, there needs to be an obligatory shower scene where we get to see Bachelor Chris without his shirt.
And it's just as beautiful as I imagined it would be.
LIMO TIME!!!
Bachelor Chris stands there in all his glory, in his suit of exhaustion, looking ready to mingle.
The first girl out of the limo is Hollywood Britt who is a waitress and very excited to be there. She hugs Chris for a very long moment...and begins to cry.
Um, IDK...like I like her but the crying was a bit much. And by a bit, I mean a lot. It was twenty two seconds of awkwardness. I was squirming on my couch.
Hollywood Britt gives our man a free hug coupon and tells him to come find her later.
Next comes Whitney the Fertility nurse with the high fairy voice. And then Kelsey the school counselor comes out acting all cool and collected. There is some chemistry there. Megan, a makeup artist, comes out next and lets Chris know how nervous she is. He tells her he is nervous too. They talk about how nervous they are for a minute before she heads inside. Good chat.
Ashley I. a freelance journalist from IDK where but she has a strong brow game, comes out and Chris is impressed. Ashley I is definitely a girl you meet in line at the bathroom of a bar, and starts telling you about her ex boyfriend, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Some woman with the name Trina comes out next and literally goes "helllooooo Farmer Chris" (maybe she reads my blog)
This lady, Reegan, comes out with a biohazard cooler. That's fine. (better than a lamp..never forget) Inside, there is a human heart that she apparently stole from one of her victim's. Just kidding it was a fake. HAHAHAHAHA. No but really, that's fucking gross.
Tara comes out in daisy duke shorts, a country flannel, and cowboy boots...so I mean, IDK I feel like MAYBE she's a country girl? Not sure. She also is a professional fly fisher. Maybe you can catch her on ESPN3 on Tuesday mornings at 5. She goes inside and the other girls are NOT pleased with her for not wearing a cocktail dress like the rest of them. This one is clearly going to be a problem.
A woman named Amber brings her teddy bear because she's nervous.
Nikki, a former NFL cheerleader is next, and since she is the only seemingly jobless one she'll have no problem moving to Iowa, right?
Meanwhile, Tara decides to change into her cocktail dress and come back out, and reintroduce herself, and it's just THE MOST. Get over yourself, you whacko.
A letter precedes the next girl, telling Chris to turn around and close his eyes (so she can slit his throat) she then approaches (we learn it's Amanda the ballerina)..she doesn't even introduce herself, just calls herself a secret admirer then goes inside. Which is really a dumb idea because he has all of these other women to remember and by process of elimination will definitely find out who you are. It's just odd.
Jillian Michaels comes out next, and of course, admires Chris's muscles, but tells him that hers are bigger.
Then Kale's mother, Mackenzie comes out next...nothing interesting to remember here.
Ashley N.? or maybe H? is a hairstylist with crazy eyes and pretty weird blown out hair comes out and gives
Chris a conveniently found lucky penny and puts it in his shoe for him...fine.
Kaitlyn, some crazy dance instructor, comes out and tells Chris he can "plow the fuck out of her fields any day" he of course, doesn't know how to take it, and who would? This isn't Tinder, lady. She also keeps up the trend of the crazy eyes.
Papa Harrison then comes around to check on Bachelor Chris to make sure he is okay. Bachelor Chris asks Papa H to slap him because this doesn't feel real...and than fucking Chris Harrison actually DOES slap him. I wonder how long he's been waiting to do that?
Despite the fact that there are only fifteen women (when there are usually 25), Chris tells Harrison that he wants to go inside and get this thing started. Papa H is all like "alright, go ahead" and Chris is like "wait, aren't there more bitches to meet?" and Papa H is like "idk, maybe" so Chris is all "okay, bye" and goes inside anyway. The fifteen girls are confused because usually the bachelor doesn't come in to greet and mingle until after everyone has arrived.
So then all of these women begin salivating at the mouth because they get the idea that maybe they are the only fifteen girls and OMG WTF IS HAPPENING USUALLY THERE ARE TWICE AS MANY OF US?!
Everyone is really overwhelmed. They do a toast and immediately after Crazy Kaitlyn wants to make a joke (which we all know will be painful) but Chris first decides he wants to say something (along the lines of 'thank you all for being here blah blah') then she makes some sexual joke about a tight seal. No one really laughs, as expected. I'm uncomfortable.
Hollywood Britt wastes no time getting her claws in Bachelor Chris. She comes on pretty strong and pretty quickly with the whole 'wife' thing. And after crying in his arms when she met him...I mean if this was real life, the man would have ran away as fast as he possibly could. She says she really wants to live in a small town, but like, this girl is from LA/Hollywood. Would she really fit well in a farming town in Iowa? I don't care how hot the guy is...that would be ROUGH. And that's a lot to promise upon FIRST MEETING SOMEONE.
Reegan tells Chris that she went to school for broadcast journalism but "now I sell cadaver tissue" and Chris is like "that's awesome"
I laughed.
The fertility nurse jokes about how she 'makes babies everyday' and Chris is really confused.
As the mingling continues I wonder how many times we have to endure these women say the word 'literally' collectively. I know I say it a lot...but like, imagine me times 30.
Amanda the ballerina/secret admirer in a midriff dress admits that she was the secret admirer...which lasted like 20 minutes. She's really awkward with him. And of course, like so many before her, has these crazy eyes. She claims she is all about eye contact. But I don't know if anyone ever told her that you are allowed to blink while also keeping eye contact with someone.
She looks like a complete maniac.
Papa Harrison comes in next WITH THE CURVE BALL and tells Chris that there will, in fact, be more limos. The girls flip shit.
More ladies, Harrison?! You tricky, tricky man! And they thought they were off scott-free..
So now the first fifteen girls are getting COMPLETELY TRASHED because they've been drinking for hours. Which will make the next batch of girls look like classy angels.
Meanwhile, we cut back to the live studio audience (gag me) and Papa Harrison talks to more former contestants, including Crazy Clare, and Michelle Money. (not a fan)
He then talks to some women from Chris's hometown who are in the audience. It's kind of funny because they all look the same--like they all just left a Mary Kay party. It's cute though.
So we skip back to the house, where the girls are all flipping out and staring out the window like savages. I swear, these girls this season are thirstier than they have ever been.
LIMO PART DEUX!!!!!!
Please be proud of me for taking down these names because they literally gave these girls like two seconds of airtime each. Apparently, we're supposed to be team 'first 15'
First there is Samantha, a fashion designer, who walks into the house to fifteen girls who look and act like they want to kill her.
Then Michelle, a wedding cake decorator who seems nice...Juelia? who spells her name weird but I'm not sure if she spells it like that and she's too irrelevant at this stage in the game to go fact check that. Plus this is a bachelor blog, I'm not fact checking this shit. Becca arrives next, who seems excited and fun, and pretty just like everyone else.
Tandra rolls up on a motorcycle in a beautiful ball gown and I'm pretty sure Bachelor Chris peed his pants. Alissa the crazy flight attendant hops up like a child with her arms crossed, gives him a seat belt, and wants to show him how to use it? I mean, talk about grasping at straws.
Jordan, a student, of course brings two shots of whiskey for them to take together.
Nicole, the only red head this season, arrives with a fake pig nose on, telling Chris she wants to 'HAM IT UP'..HAHAHAH. Okay. He then says she is very cute. So when she wears a pig nose it's "cute" and "funny" when I wear a pig nose to the bars it's "weird" and "disgusting"...cool.
Brittany, a WWE Diva in Training (whatever the fuck that means) arrives in lingerie and holds a sign saying #Soulesmates (which is a play on his last name)
Carly, a cruise ship singer, comes up singing some weird fucking song on a Barbie karaoke machine...which makes me feel so so uncomfortable that I almost had to change the channel. I hate when people sing to each other like that. Chris handled it well, I think...but I was too busy trying to suffocate myself with a pillow to pay attention.
Tracy, a fourth grade teacher, comes up and reads Chris cute letters that her students wrote to him. I'm sure the parents are thrilled about how their classroom time has been spent writing letters to a reality television star.
Bo, a plus size model arrives next. So that's kind of nice and different! I commend you, the Bachelor..
But still, you only have one black woman on the show this season...so idk how much I can really commend you on variation, The Bachelor.
Final irrelevants arrive including: Kimberly, a yoga instructor...? Kara, a soccer coach who says they will make cute babies...? And last but not least Jade, a cosmetics developer who Chris actually seemed really into.
General Consensus: the first limo groups=sloppy, drunk mean girls the second limo groups= cheesy and mostly boring
Chris says this is an 'all star team of women' and I'm really not sure if I would use the word 'all star' to describe this subgroup of humans at all. There are maybe 4/30 girls that are not completely insane. I hope Chris has the ability to weed them out because this season is going to be ROUGH. (farming pun)
The cocktail party mingling commences. Kaitlyn 'Plow My Fields' teaches Chris some dancing moves and makes more cheesy jokes. The claws come out. Crazy Eyed Ashley N or maybe H is NOT HAPPY. She wants her time with Chris. She begins comparing the girls to onions? I'm not really sure how she justified this metaphor. She then pulls a yellow flower off of a branch and hands it to the WWE girl talking to Chris, telling her "here is your rose, so please leave I want to talk to Chris" and it's super weird because how can Chris keep a straight face? I really hope she is wasted out of her mind and not actually like this because that's just not justifiable otherwise...
I mean...did anyone get her onion thing?
The 21 year old mother, Mackenzie, whose son's name is Kale...doesn't know what alfalfa is when Chris tells her he grows that on his farm. She also offers to color with a children's paint set with Chris because she is old enough to because SHE IS A CHILD.
The last girl, Jade really seems to hit it off with him, or at least I think she does because the music gets suddenly cuter.
More girls say "literally", more girls fight for Chris's attention. ..blah blah
AND THEN. It's time for the FIR (First Impression Rose).
Bachelor Chris takes the FIR and walks outside to where Hollywood Britt is sitting. He gives her the FIR, and I think we all knew it was coming because they seriously almost kissed when they first talked. She is very honored and hugs him...and then...AND THEN...
THEY KISS.
THE FIR GOES TO THE FIRST GIRL OUT OF THE LIMO WHO ALSO GETS THE FIRST KISS IN THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE SEASON.
I MEAN, SHOULD WE JUST END THIS THING NOW?
OMG OMG. This is wild!
No one ever kisses in the first episode! YOU GO GIRL.
I THINK I APPROVE OF THIS KISS. I THINK I APPROVE OF HOLLYWOOD BRITT EVEN THOUGH SHE CRIED WHEN SHE MET HIM. IT'S JUST SO SOON TO SAY.
When they come back inside, every girl gives Hollywood Britt the look of DEATH. Tara, the drunk cowgirl mumbles 'lucky bitch' under her breath...showing her true colors.
Back in the studio audience Papa Harrison keeps calling the kiss a 'makeout session' which he needs to calm down with because it was seriously just a kiss. Calm down Chris. Don't make this more than it is.
FINALLY FINALLY IT'S TIME FOR THE ROSE CEREMONY 3 HOURS LATER...
Goes as follows:
1- Kaitlyn 'plow my fields'/lame joker snags the first rose (not the FIR though)
2- Jade, the last girl out of the limo
3- Samantha, I have no idea who this is...was she the first person out of the second wave of limos maybe?
4- Ashley I. the freelance journalist with the killer eyebrows
5- Tandra, the motorcycle girl
6- Nikki the former NFL cheerleader
*at this point Tara, the drunk cowgirl starts freaking out, heavily sighing, her eyes rolling to the back of her head...she's very drunk*
7- Kelsey, the widowed school counselor that I like
8- Megan, the makeup artist with terrible makeup
9- Alissa, murderous looking flight attendant
*Tara is really starting to lose her shit, almost falls over, leans on a plant*
10- Amber, the only black woman in the competition
11- Juilia/Juelia?, very nice, spells her name weirdly
12- Becca who I can't remember, must be a second wave limo
13- Trina, the blonde who was like "hellloooo farmer Chris" and made me want to vomit
*Tara is really freaking out, Chris has had enough and walks off dramatically*
WAIT WTF IS HAPPENING?
Papa H goes to see what's up. Apparently Bachelor Chris was going to pick Tara but now she's wasted out of her mind and can't even stand up. He isn't sure what to do and needs a moment to think. Meanwhile, 30 drunk girls are in the other room, ready for this to be over.
*Can I admit that I am legit probably the Tara?*
14- Mackenzie, the child who has a child named Kale
15- Tracy the fourth grade teacher
16- TARA! The drunk girl gets the rose. LMAO at the other girls' reaction to this. (way to go Chris for not getting rid of her just because she likes to take fourteen shots of whiskey upon first meeting her potential future husband) DO YOU GIRL.
17- Jordan, the student with the shots, aka the other drunk girl probably
18- Jillian Michaels
19- Whitney the sperm nurse, I mean fertility nurse (who seems kind of fake to me? do we agree?)
20- Carly, the cruise ship singer aka the most painful entrance I've ever seen
21- Ashley H.......WHAT THE FUCK CHRIS? He chose the ONION GIRL? Are you serious? Oh, God *rubs head in frustration*
So with that, he sends the first nine irrelevant girls home. Which include the plus size model, the pig girl, and the ballerina, who despite being upset, still manages to keep her eyes looking wide and manic the entire way out. A few other girls whom I do not know their names. A few of them even cry, which I can never understand. It's the first night. Like, you barely knew him?
Maybe it's the alcohol talking. Or the rejection.
Like I have always said: these girls are used to being the hottest thing in the room, they've probably never been rejected before in their lives...that's why they can't handle it when they don't get a rose.
Anyways. This one bitch. Kimberly, the yoga instructor who I didn't even REMEMBER is all like "no I'm not leaving" so she storms back in. The producers "try" to stop her. But apparently "they can't get to her in time." She goes inside and then...we fade to black.
A Bachelor cliffhanger?!
What a wild premiere!
Hey, maybe this Kimberly woman can stay instead of that onion girl, Ashley. Have you ever met an Ashley that wasn't mostly crazy? (just kidding!!) (sort of)
Anyways. The episode comes to an end but not before they show a preview for the upcoming season. The preview shows every single girl absolutely losing her shit and crying over something Chris did. Did he sleep with someone? Did he kill someone?
I'm so confused!
I'm so intrigued!
And also:
So let's recap the premiere:
hot mess, crazy eyes, drunk girls, stalkers, cadaver tissue
My season hopefuls?
Well, not a whole lot of choices this year but I'll go with Hollywood Britt as a favorite. I can't really put a finger on her yet. I want to believe she's genuine, but who is to know really? She's from LA after all. But she's pretty and despite crying like a lunatic, she seems cool. Plus, I think Chris really likes her.
I'm also going to bat for Kelsey, the school counselor who is recently widowed. She is head and shoulders above the rest of the girls as far as 'class factor' (as far as I can tell) and I think that will take her far. Hopefully Chris sees this.
Kaitlyn 'plow my fields'...although I don't see the appeal...Chris was really digging her. Maybe because he's never met anyone quite as wild as her. Maybe he can tame her? IDK. I'm not a huge fan, but I think she'll go far.
Let's give some honorable mentions to Tandra the motorcycle girl and Jade the last one out of the limo. They seem decently normal and I think Chris really likes them.
So let's see where this goes.
Losers of the night:
Amanda the Ballerina
other irrelevants who went home
Catherine's cape
Plus size models
Women who are not size 0-4 and white
humanity, probably
Winners of the night:
Hollywood Britt for getting the FIR
Tara for managing to stay despite being a fucking mess (idol)
Number of times someone said 'literally':
23
Brow Games that were strong:
4
Number of times I felt uncomfortable:
117
This should be a good season, y'all.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
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