Alright, so tonight started off and we learn that it's time for the Hometown Dates. Things get way serious, way fast.
Our lovely Bachelor Sean is going to visit the four hometowns of his four remaining ladies. Of course, he starts with AshLee because she is the most boring. In my naive state, I wonder if the remaining shows are going to be only an hour as opposed to two since there are only four girls left. But alas, I am wrong. The Bachelor still manages to monopolize two hours of my night every Monday.
AshLee starts talking, saying the same three things she always says over and over again:
1- I had no idea what true love was until I met Sean. (that's sad..)
2- It's like Sean was made for me. (oh jeesh)
3- I've completely abadoned myself to Sean. (okay, what are you saying)
Seriously. That's all she knows how to say. She talks about how perfect Sean is and how he just completely gets her. STAHP AND REWIND. Here's the thing. Why in the world is this girl going on and on about how amazing and perfect this guy is? Does she realize she still has to beat out three girls for his affection? If I were her, I'd still be A LITTLE guarded. But no. AshLee with the big L has completely given herself over to this guy like it's a done fucking deal.
This is a reality competition show, in case we forgot. Just sayin.
AshLee's dad sits Sean down and gets all emotional, immediately asking Sean: "do you love my daughter?"...do you blame him?
Sean passive aggressively responds: "I see love on the horizon."
Which means no.
AshLee starts her commentary again and I'm jut about to fall asleep to her Disney princess voice as she talks about "fireworks and pixie dust" (I'm not making it up, she did say that) and then they cut to commercial break and the emotional, Pro-America Jeep commercial plays, making me more emotional in twenty seconds than I have been thusfar on the Bachelor.
Did you just tear up? I did.
Next, Catherine gets her "take me home" date or whatever the fuck it's called and Sean travels to Seattle. They play catch the fish with the seafood guys which is comical. Sean says he likes a girl that can get her hands dirty. I don't think I could be with a man who wanted my hands to smell like fish constantly. Fucking creep. JUST...SAYIN.
Catherine takes Sean to her all female family. Her older sisters appear to be rigid, bitter bitches who don't like the fact that their younger sister has the prospect of marriage before they do. It reminds me of a demented Pride & Prejudice.
Her date is slightly less boring than AshLee's, but nevertheless, we must cut away to Lindsay's date. Then I remember that I'm still not sure why Lindsay's there.
She takes Sean to her hometown, an army base where her dad is this big shot general. Sean doesn't seem to be too worried though...which angers me. He's a little too comfortable with the fact that he's dating four women to the point where he is meeting their parents and still thinks he's the saint of love or some shit like that.
Lindsay shows Sean the sights, taking him to some empty cupcake shop then forcing him to wear a turtleneck and do push ups...making it weird. Every time she speaks, something inside of me dies.
So Sean goes on to meet Lindsay's family. Her mom's darling and her father is stern, as to be expected, with various rifles hanging on the wall. Where I'm from, this isn't weird...but Sean thinks it's kind of cray cray.
MAYBE HE SHOULD BE SCARED NOW.
Sean talks to the General about his daughter and when he asks Sean what he likes about his baby girl Sean basically says, "She's just so sweet and dumb, I can't resist her." Nothing about Lindsay's personality makes me go, "what a catch!" I don't remember anything that girl has said that's been remotely intelligent.
But.
That's not what this show is about.
Finally, Sean goes to meet Desiree's family. We'll call her Dez.
First they start off with a hike along the trail in the Hollywood hills. Sean is wearing pink shorts with a baseball shirt that is blue and purple. I almost can't handle how metro he looks.
As they are sitting in her condo, waiting for her fam, some rando knocks on the door. Dez answers it, looking horrified. It's some guy who claims he needs to talk to her and that the cameras need to be shut off...to which the cameras get even closer.
It's so unbelievably stupid that I don't even know how we could've thought for a moment it was real. It reminded me of an episode of 'Days of Our Lives'.
The guy starts saying how he still loves Dez and Sean's getting all red and full of fury when Dez drops the bomb on him that....she's playing a practical joke on him (much like he did to her on their first one-on-one)
HA. HA. ha.
Once that awkwardness is over, Sean pretends to be calm and laugh about it when Dez's real family arrives consisting of her happy parents and tattoo artist type brother. Her parents are so freakishly nice and weird that it makes you wonder how they raised someone as normal and conceited as Dez and likewise, someone as playa-playa like as her brother.
Right off the bat, Dez's brother hates Sean and is questionable of everything.
Alright.
I definitely don't blame him. If I moronically joined this show and had an older brother, I would hope he'd question it a bit. He was being protective, which is understandable...but then it turns into this whole thing where I wonder if he's acting like a dick on purpose just to stir up trouble.
Sean clearly doesn't appreciate being called out as a "playboy"...which, if you think about it, is exactly what he is right now. Playboys are "sexy" guys who date multiple women at once.
Right..?
Well.
None of us like to hear our true colors, do we?
So anyways. Sean gets all red and awkward when Dez's brother gets sassy.
Dez knows at this point that she is screwed because Sean is obsessed with family, almost as much as mountains and anything outdoors..and blue shorts.
Once all the dates are over, Sean "has a lot to think about". They show him rummaging through his closet, looking for his tux, wearing no shirt. HEY, IT'S BEEN A WHILE, SEAN'S ABS!
Getting back to the basics.
When Chris Harrison comes up for his weekly pep talk, Sean informs him that he knows Lindsay and AshLee will deff be picked because their families were well behaved. However, he cannot decide if should keep Catherine or Dez because their families actually questioned him.
Sigh.
Sean stands in the little room off to the side with all of the girls' pictures, just in case he forgets what they look like, and contemplates.
He says he can't be with someone who's brother can't stand him...so that's Dez.
But then he says he can't be with someone who is on a "different life path" than him...implying Catherine, who told Sean she's very career focused and isn't ready to start a family right away.
GOD FORBID.
The girl is only 26. Can we calm down?
If Sean loves the girl, why doesn't he wait a few years till making her pop out a few kids? If the young woman wants to be independent and work/explore the world...why should that be such an issue for him?
That doesn't mean you're on different "life paths", that just means she wants time to live with you before producing your heirs.
WEIRDO.
The rose ceremony finally commences (only after Dez pulls him aside in a panic, crying and apologizing for her brother when Sean sings his own rendition of "Apologize" by One Republic...IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT) and Sean gives out the first two easily to Ash and Lindzzz. As he is about to make his choice, he puts the rose down like a fucking diva and walks back to the 'contemplation room'.
The producers are like, "HEY, FLICK THE LIGHTS BACK ON...LIGHT SOME CANDLES!"
Sean looks at the pictures.
Chris Harrison walks in, "What the fuck buddy?"
Sean gives Chris his puppy dog eyes, as if he hasn't already pushed the limits enough, he basically is asking Chris if he just let them both stay this week. Chris just is like "NO MAKE A DAMN CHOICE, you cannot break every rule."
It reminded me of when my mom knew I was faking sick and told me, "NO YOU HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, GET UP."
MAN UP, Sean...pull off the band-aid nice and quick...don't make them linger.
Sean "takes his time" to think about it, then gives Catherine the rose.
Obviously! This may be the only time he can get a hot Asian. Even if she is a disgusting career woman. Yucky.
Dez continues to cry and beg, saying "this is a huge mistake"...a 100% mistake...not a 99.99%. Serious statement. But I didn't say it, she did.
Except, she can't actually give Sean an explanation besides "this is a mistake, you're making a huge mistake, this isn't right."
ACCEPT IT. Stop being pathetic, and swerve left girl.
You can do better.
Even if your brother scares them all away.
Needless to say, she'll never talk to her brother again.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
PS!!!!!!!: Vote for your favorite female celebrity currently out of the four in the poll in the top right corner of this blog, THANKS!
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