This week's episode begins where last week's left off: with Kelsey having a full out panic attack on the hardwood floor of some Sante Fe hotel.
The other women just continue to sit like: alright then.
No one believes she is actually having a panic attack, but think this is a way Kelsey is manipulating Chris some more. It's most likely true. I mean, let's be real. Her first request once she's off the oxygen machine is to talk to Chris. The other women are jealous that they didn't think to do this first.
"The emotional burden was too much," she tells the girls, before going off on another one of her soliloquies. Ashley I Kardashian (aka Kardashley by some bloggers) is getting interviewed and brings up the possibility that Kelsey's husband may not have actually died. Uh OH. This bitch just said what we were all thinking. We want to see Sanderson Poe's gravestone. IMMEDIATELY.
I don't know about anyone else, but I can't really here Kelsey's voice for one more episode. If she doesn't go home tonight, I'll be greatly disappointed.
So the rose ceremony we've been waiting a week for begins.
Bachelor Chris comes out with some bull shit about being sorry to cancel the cocktail party. He's definitely enjoying having control this time around.
Let us begin.
1- Jade
(Ashley I begins having a breakdown privately in the diary room)
2- Kaitlyn
3- Megan
4- Sanderson Poe (just kidding)
4- Becca
5- Ashley I (she can go shave her back now)
6- Kelsey (eugh God)
Thus sending Samantha home who I keep forgetting is a person that exists of this show and Mackenzie, who can now go back to her son Kale and the aliens she loves. I do feel for the girl, since she's basically a child, and also most likely would have stayed tonight if it hadn't been for Kelsey becoming possessed by the ghost of Sanderson Poe.
Kaitlyn says in her diary room what we are all thinking, "I don't give a crap about Kelsey and her sad story. It's not about that anymore, it's about her being a shitty human being. I want to punch her in the face."
Did Kaitlyn just become my favorite?
Yup. I think so.
Moving forward. Bachelor Chris and the other prepare for the next step in their journey. Bachelor Chris shaves with jeans AND a towel on, like a motherfucking baller...
He tells us in his interview that he is "not here for drama" but here "to find a wife."
OKAY.
Now they're going to Deadwood, South Dakota aka that place where the cowboys fought with guns. Chris takes an opportunity to take some photos from the Wild West era, but also a photo of himself in a tub with boots on, and nothing else.
(rolls eyes to the heavens)
The girls are like "yay! here we are in Deadwood!"
LMAO like any of them are actually excited. Half of these women are from LA.
We also learn that this is the week of the two-on-one date, which supposedly is the most dreaded date in Bachelor/ette history, because the Bachelor/ette always must send at least one of them home.
Britt and Kelsey talk on a balcony in their bra's about their relationships with Chris. Kelsey says "I want the one-on-one, I feel like I've earned it. I've gone through a lot to be here.." when I found out Chris was the bachelor, I even killed my husband to get to where I am..you have no idea...*CACKLES MANICALLY*
Britt just nods.
Becca gets the one-on-one!
I repeat!
Becca gets the one-on-one!!!!
OH HOW EXCITING!
For once, I don't question Chris's terrible judgment.
Kelsey is UNHAPPY. HAHA.
ew. ew. ew. goodbye peasant.
So we're in the hills of South Dakota. Chris tells us basically that he only asked her on this date because she's the only one he hasn't kissed yet. LOL...yeah...
Also, I am obsessed with Becca's adorable outfit. It's not sleazy and I'm just seriously a huge fan of hers. (heart eye emoji)
Chris and Becca ride around on horses around the mountains. Becca tells us in her interview diary room thing that "maybe she'll kiss him today." I give her props for being able to wait this long, but honestly wouldn't it be awesome if SHE DIDN'T?
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the women need someone to shit on. Carly, the leader of the mean girl pack, now decides that they need to confront Kelsey about why she's insane. So she, Kaitlyn, and Whitney, the Sperm Nurse, sit on a couch and call Kelsey out for killing her husband...no I'm jk. But they did call her out on being pretty flippant at the rose ceremony about her 'panic attack.' I don't really know what the goal was here, but they put her on blast.
(had to use this gif because it's so bizarre)
They tell her that she's a bitch and needs to stop. Kelsey gets all teary and defensive, apologizing for hurting anyone, but also denying that she ever has done anything wrong. In her diary room she goes, "listen, I get it. I was blessed with eloquence. I am articulate with words, because I'm smart."
There's a difference between being smart and being a jackass.
You don't walk a thin line with that, Kelsey, you're way, way over in jackass land, waving at us all on the sane side of the smart line, cackling like a lunatic.
If we are to all take away a lesson from Kelsey it's to not be a condescending jackass, because people will not like you or care that your husband died if you are.
Anyways. Back to my OTP date.
Becca and Chris sit down by a fire, romantically making shickabobs (which I realized I don't know how to spell..maybe I should call Kelsey and ask)
They both start laughing. We all realize how embarrassing Chris's laugh is. Becca is laughing at him and not with him, which is nice.
They definitely click well together, and I think he really actually likes her.
Becca talks about her ex, because that is what we do on this show. She says that because of him she hasn't been able to move on because she's just been doing her...and is afraid to put herself out there.
UM HELLO YES. Thank you from all the girls who are afraid to put themselves out there. Amen.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the next date card arrives going to Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan (Megan literally goes "wait, what's going on?" Britt whispers to her "you're going on the group date" Megan goes "oh!" COME ON...SERIOUSLY bitch?! No one can be that dumb!)
Meaning that Kelsey and Ashley, my two personal favorites, will get the two-on-one date.
Lord, help us. Can you even imagine? I hope Chris just sends them both home--two birds, one stone.
Both of them are very confident the other one will be going home according to their diary room confessions.
Back to the date.
Becca and Chris are still hitting it off. Becca tells us in the diary room that she is nervous about a kiss that may potentially be coming. She tells us that she is a (cool) virgin and has very little experience. She doesn't want to kiss Chris really because she is nervous that America will see, and her dad will see.
I MEAN. This girl is too precious for this world right now.
Chris gives Becca the rose in hopes for a kiss...
And he gets one.
He pecks her lightly, hands her the rose, they embrace, and then she makes out with him. And it's kind of cute actually!
NOT. MAD.
The group date begins. They're going to be writing some 'sweet sweet music.' Which sounds not at all fun. But they get the help of Big and Rich, who penned the beautiful "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", so if anyone knows about writing sweet, touching songs about love, it's Big and Rich.
Carly is really excited because she's the musician of the group. I mean, just remember that pink karaoke machine, my friends.
Everyone is generally having a good time with it. Jade is not loving it. She confides in Big, or maybe Rich. Not sure. He makes her run up and down Deadwood streets shouting. It's kind of comical. She gets happy and feels a boost of confidence so she writes her hit song.
As Jade is writing, she looks over and sees Britt and Chris in a warm embrace by the bar.
OKAY. I know I've said so many times that it annoys me when these girls get jealous because that's just the nature of this show...however.
In this case, I don't blame Jade for getting upset at all. Britt is being a little disrespectful hanging all over him in front of everyone acting like he is hers for the keeping. She's so manipulative! I'm sorry if you're a Britt fan, I just don't like this. To me, it doesn't seem real. She acts around him the way a woman who has been dating someone for months acts around her serious boyfriend. It's fake.
Also, maybe they have a connection because they've already fucked.
IDK.
Jade says "it's hard to write a love song about somebody when he's clearly way into someone else"
actually...those make the best love songs IMO.
Next, they're all sitting around, sharing some beers, laughing it up. Bachelor Chris informs everyone that he will help alleviate the girls' stress by singing a terrible song that he himself wrote. I sit back with my popcorn.
To me, he isn't as bad as I imagined. Like, it's pretty bad, but it's not terrible. The song was cute, I guess, talking about how he wants a wife.
Britt is next and sings her song, aka maybe one verse and Chris is like "OMG THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL, I'M BORDERLINE BALLING."
And I just can't help but think that maybe that's a little dramatic.
She's a pretty good singer, but she lives in Hollywood, she's probably tried the singing thing a few times.
The other girls go and it's all fun and awkward to watch. Kaitlyn kills it with a rap about getting Chris's dick hard. No idk what it's about but they bleep out a few words. Megan sings her little heart out, but no one can compete with Carly who must've had this song written for years. She pulls him up on stage and just sings to him. IT'S PRETTY CUTE. BUT ALSO UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME AS AN AUDIENCE MEMBER.
"I was almost in love FOR them," Kaitlyn says. Gotta love her.
Jade goes last, of course, because she's the one who was most nervous. The producers of this show are terrible people. It's a cute song, but only because it's her. If it was anyone else I'd be annoyed.
"The girls killed it," Chris says. That's a really..really nice way of putting it.
Big and Rich commentate in an interview about how much pressure that must've been for these girls.
Um, yeah. That would be a nightmare of a group date IMO. Writing, and singing, in front of people?
nope. No thanks. I am with you, Jade. That is cruel and unusual.
A big part of me wishes Ashley had been on this date. Or Kelsey, but Kelsey probably would have just passed out.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kelsey and Ashley get their two-on-one date card. The card reads that they will be hanging out in "the bad lands." Kelsey makes fun of Ashley for not knowing what that is. In her diary room interview, Ashley acts excited because she knows this will be the date that Chris chooses her. "He'll see how fake and annoying Kelsey is and how cool and real I am!"
Eh. Alright. Good luck my friend.
Back to the group date.
Chris talks about how cool the singing date was, and how emotional it made him. Um, yeah, if I had a bunch of men pining for me and writing songs about me, saying nice things, I would think it was pretty fucking cool too. Also, I would think that was awkward as hell. But whatever.
Jade tells Chris "that was hard for me" and Chris goes "yeah that was hard for me, too."
HOW?
How in the world was that situation hard for you, Chris?
(ROLLING MY EYES TO THE HEAVENS)
She also tells him that she can see herself being in Iowa. Really? You barely know him! What is going on. While Chris is having some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn, the others talk about how good Carly's song was. Britt is like "if I could give out the rose, I would give it to you" and Carly is all like "omg guys, stahhp"
but really. she's not.
Britt then has her one-on-one time with Chris and he talks about how he has this connection with her and he can't even really explain it, how it's so weird..blah blah. Yeah, because it's not real...just saying. So anyways, he takes Britt's hand and pulls her outside of the bar. The other girls side eye them hard.
They run off together, like literally they run.
They end up at a Big and Rich concert around the block.
Oh.
Okay.
How convenient.
Britt is Taylor Swift level pumped again.
They make out in the middle of the dance floor.
Big and Rich pull Chris up on stage, along with Britt. He gives her the rose. I hope she showered this week!
They play "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" Britt and Chris awkwardly dance.
Meanwhile, back at the old saloon, the gals are talking MAD SMACK about Britt. Instead of being mad at Chris, who is the one who pulled her away...but whatever.
Carly is REALLY upset. Because like, how long have they been gone? Hours? lol
that sucks.
So Britt and Chris walk back in after god knows how long, hand in hand, smiling cheek to cheek. The girls are not having it. They sit down, and it's the most awkward thing I've ever seen in my life. No one talks. "Obviously you can see that I gave Britt the rose," Chris says.
UM BITCH.
OMG is he serious right now?
Britt wipes his spit off of her lips.
The girls are pissed off. "We're getting further along and I didn't find it respectful to give her the rose in front of everyone else"
but instead I took her away for at least an hour and gave her the rose on our own private concert date, while you all sat here, stewing in your feelings, getting wasted.
That's way more respectful. What a stand up guy.
Then he peaces the fuck out, leaving Britt there, alone to clean up his stupid mess.
What the hell is going on?
This is the worst.
Every girl is silent and giving Britt the looks of death. Britt apologizes, says she feels awkward, haha..yeah okay. Carly is tearing up. Stupid Megan breaks the silence by asking where they went. Which only makes it worse. Whitney whines that it isn't fair that Britt got to go to the concert in the first place because she doesn't even like country music. Kaitlyn says it's uncool because it just seems like Britt has an unfair advantage. Britt apologizes again. Jade says she doesn't want her sympathy.
Carly cries.
It's all so real.
Megan sips her drink.
Given the nature of the date, I do find what Chris did to be extremely shitty...even in Bachelor/ette terms. Like he made these girls go on this date, write HIM songs, humiliate themselves on STAGE, in front of PEOPLE, only to disappear to a concert with Britt for over an hour? I don't blame them for being hurt. That is very hurtful. I would be upset, too.
But not at Britt.
They're getting upset at the wrong person because they're jealous. They should be mad at Chris/the producers because that's just fucking rude.
Country gentleman, my ass.
He justifies himself by saying how much he knows it sucks being them because he's been on that side when he was on the Bachelorette.
Still doesn't make you any less of an asshole, dude.
Even Kaitlyn gets upset and cries in the bathroom.
Damn.
Whitney talks about how Britt makes her insecure because of how beautiful she is. Yeah, but at least you shower, Whitney.
This is why I hate this show. It's different on the Bachelorette. The guys aren't constantly comparing looks. On the Bachelor it's harder. Women have so much more emotional shit to get through. These women, especially, aren't used to rejection. Comparing yourself to other people sucks the joy out of everything, and us women are especially good at doing this.
That's enough of my rant.
It's two-on-one time.
Ashley is super confident that she's winning this rose. She can't wait to toast to Kelsey being gone.
They start off on a helicopter ride. They look over the hills of the Badlands, which Kelsey apparently is so passionate about. They see Mount Rushmore and Kelsey informs Chris and Ashley who the presidents are. Ashley rolls her eyes.
She then says "I literally just can't even."
I wish I was kidding, but she said that.
TEAM SEND THEM BOTH HOME 2015
They land the heli in the middle of nowhere where there is a bed and flags?
Maybe it's a target for the bombers in case this date goes south.
Should we be allowing Chris in the middle of nowhere alone with Kelsey?
At least Ashley and her eyelashes can save him. Maybe.
Chris and Ashley go find a place to chill and talk aka a place for her to suck his face. This joke isn't even funny anymore you guys, because it's just 100% true now.
Meanwhile, Kelsey is ranting about how this date/process is forcing Chris to "think hard" and be "pragmatic"
BITCH
This is the Bachelor.
This is not Harvard Law.
Something tells me that Chris isn't really looking for intelligence, he's looking for someone to marry and raise his babies. All of the saliva he has consumed these past six weeks has made him dumber, actually. He's got to be dumb to keep people like Kelsey and Ashley around this long.
Instead of taking the time to get along and talk with Chris, Ashley takes the time to talk shit about Kelsey.
"I am real. She is fake. I am a virgin and sexy, but she is NOT." - Ashley
Just thought I'd leave that here ^
Kelsey talks at Chris next for a while. He just continually nods at her. Probably in fear of his life. Kelsey is the scariest human being I've ever seen. She talks to everyone like they are a child and she is their guidance counselor.
Chris finally opens his mouth to speak and totally throws Ashley under the bus. He goes "it's come to my attention that people think you're fake" to Kelsey.
OMG
hahahah
Is she about to have another panic attack?
DUDE. CHRIS. That is such a dick move!
Kelsey defends herself saying he shouldn't listen to "girl talk" blah blah whatever. So then she goes back to the bed and sits down with Ashley, just hardcore STARING at her. Oh, my gosh. So awkward. Will the producers stop her please from picking up that cheese knife and stabbing Ashley in the throat?
I mean, I know we all secretly have wanted to stab Ashley, but never did I think it might actually happen.
Also, has anyone noticed how obvious it is when Ashley blinks because of her three inch eyelashes?
Kelsey goes "I know what you did" and Ashley is like "You think I'm not intelligent just because I don't use big words? Well, I have my masters (not sure what this has to do with anything but whatever) too and I'm smart enough to see through you, then you're freaking hilarious."
Would've been a good burn if not for the 'freaking hilarious' thing.
Kelsey talks about how Ashley needs to go home because they are different classes of women. "She needs to go home and play dress up, like she's been doing the past 24 years. She's here *points one hand down* and I'm here *points other hand up*"
YEOUCH.
Ashley storms off, Chris follows. It's weird. Ashley begins to cry and is like "why did you tell her what I told you?"
Chris is like "I wanted to get to the bottom of this" and Ashley cries more...and this is just A LOT. But honestly, this is what he gets for keeping these psychos around too long.
He's just sort of sitting there, staring off into space like "what have I gotten myself into?"
He then totally dumps Ashley. He says they are too different and he can't give Ashley the 'lifestyle' she wants. Ashley has HAD ENOUGH of that talk. She then snaps back "what? you think Britt wants that lifestyle?"
LOL BURN.
I mean, as crazy and immature as she is, she's 100% right.
Ashley leaves as dramatically as ever, in complete tears. She bitches Chris out to the best of her power, but continues to storm off. Kelsey sees her walking away crying and smiles from her bed in the middle of the Badlands.
Some producer comes to get Ashley's bag and the girls are all shocked and can't believe that he's kept Kelsey around. Ashley probably would have stayed if she hadn't cried and acted like a lunatic. But alas, Kelsey's "honesty" and "virtue" won him over..?
Ashley is crying and I can't even understand what she is saying at all.
Like hysterical crying.
Chris comes back and says to Kelsey "I don't know if you knew this, but I just sent Ashley home" (yes, we all know, I can hear her crying episode in Ohio)
Kelsey is all "omg, I'm so sorry" and hugs him, just fake as shit. A minute ago she was grinning at Ashley crying. Let us not forget.
Chris then dumps Kelsey.
Raise your hands in the air, my friends.
PRAISE BE TO GOD.
Whatever delusional connection Kelsey thought she had with Chris just got SHUT DOWN.
So my dreams came true tonight: Kelsey, Ashley, and Mackenzie went home.
Now there is no one left on this show that I truly cannot stand.
Then some lady comes in and takes Kelsey's bag away too and the other women laugh and cheer and drink in celebration. I'm not being sarcastic. They actually do those things.
Kelsey leaves, saying she has overcome so much and that she is "here" *points her hand up* and she will "rise above" aka she is going to do everything in her power to become the next Bachelorette. Except, you're not THAT good of an actress, honey. America can see through you.
And Sanderson Poe can see through you too. That is why you killed him, right?
Chris leaves the girls on his helicopter, stranded. No bed in sight. What, did they take it down!? Ashley and Kelsey are standing on opposite sides of some canyon as Chris looks on to these little black dots drifting away like "leaving these crazy bitches behind.."
It's all very artistic.
THEN THE EPISODE IS OVER.
No rose ceremony.
Again.
Dang.
But we get previews for next week, and there's two episodes. LORD HELP ME. And Papa Harrison will be interviewing Chris is a "Bachelor Tell All" and apparently interviewing Kelsey in a "Psycho Tell All"
Are they serious right now giving her this interview?
Good God in heaven...
HELP ME.
Until next time,
Kaitie
xo
