Good evening, blogger world! Tonight, I racked my brains for ideas on what to write my blog about for the coming week and came up with a few bright ones. This one seemed to be fresh in mind though, so hear we go..
Every guy claims to need a "wingman" when they go out, you know...a buddy that helps them to get laid. Or as Urban Dictionary (which, if you think about it, is far more reliable than Webster's anyways) puts it:
A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles
outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women.
Typically in these ways :
• The Wingman will always be there to “occupy” least
attractive girl of the pair so that you may engage in the “hotty”
• Often, when an attractive girl is out with an ugly friend, she often feels restricted to not leave that ugly friend alone, thus making the hot girl, un-touchable.
• When the wingman technique is used, both girls are
approached by the men, and the Wingman automatically
engages in conversation with the ugly girl.
• Now that the hot friend sees that the ugly girl has finally found a man, she is now free to start scouting.
• This is where you come in “unexpectidly” and “accidentaly”, and begin catching up on “old times” with the Wingman.
• The Wingman then offers the ugly girl to dance, (which
rarley happens to her) so she wont be able to resist.
First of all, great grammar and spelling, Urban Dictionary. Second of all, I have witnessed this because I am the ugly friend set out in bullet point #2, but that is okay because for every wingman, there must be a wing woman.
I am that Wing Woman.
The job of a wingwoman is simple:
-Don't you DARE dress as cute as your girl. (meaning I wear yoga pants and a tank top and pray for a miracle..this includes hairstyle)
-Keep quiet.
-Only speak when spoken to.
-Laugh and nod when the boys say funny things, but once again, don't speak.
-Let your friend do the talking.
-Also, if your friend wants to grind on you to look sexy/appeal to her boy's fantasies, you let her.
-You are in charge of getting drinks...but don't speak, still.
-You are also in charge of going to the bathroom with your girl when she needs your opinion question.
-Carry a condom and breathmints for your bestie.
-Make sure the guy she's talking to is not a serial killer or frat boy.
-Do not twat block your girl. Meaning, don't go out with her at all if you are the slightest bit tired and there is a chance of you wanting to go home early.
-For the love of God, don't sing.
-Or speak. Did I say that one?
-Be her beer pong partner if necessary and let her look better than you...this also goes with being the wingman's beer pong partner.
-Don't leave her alone for more than 5 minutes unless she asks you to.
-Try to keep her from spilling on herself and barfing.
-If she starts dancing too early on in the timeline of the party, distract her by laughing and talking about something pointless.
-Don't bring up her ex.
-Don't bring up any of your personal life.
-Make sure your friend's vagina, bra, boobs are not exposed at any point.
-Also, try to keep her from getting arrested.
-And warn her BEFORE you go out to not wear the uncomfortable heels if she is planning on getting trashed. Do not commit to shoes you cannot handle, bitch.
-Try to seem as uninteresting as possible to all members of the opposite sex..to the point where they think you might be a lesbian.
-Don't do your sexy dance...this isn't about you.
-Also, don't play with your hair.
-Compliment your friend as much as possible.
-If your friend screams the boy's name obnoxiously in a way that she would never do in real life if she was sober (i.e. "TYYY---lllllLLLeeerR!!!!!") do not hold it against her character.
-Make sure your friend has her cell phone, ID, etc. if she decides to leave you at the end of the night with her boy-toy, which she inevitably will.
-Give the guy your friend's number if she is too intoxicated to do so herself...also make sure he knows her correct first name.
See! Simple!
Now, I've become an expert on being a wing woman as of lately. Girls are no longer matchmakers, they are babysitters and keepers.
Also, if you are a guy and trying to get with my friend, you should at least try to be nice to me. I don't care if my hair is in a pony tail and I'm not wearing a short enough skirt, you still have to be nice to me. Without me, you are not getting laid tonight. So be careful.
Being an expert wingwoman I have also become very good at spotting fellow wingwomen/men. Especially wingmen. They sort of approach you and ask you the basic questions showing that they are the wingman and not exactly interested in you persay. Take the following conversation for example. This is a real life convo that I had while performing wing woman duty for my friend last weekend.
Boy: What's your name?
Me: Kaitie.
Boy: What?!
Me: KAITIE.
Boy: Cool. I'm (we'll call him...Cody) Cody. What year are you?
Me: Junior. (sips cup--clearly not buying this, annoyed) You?
Boy: Freshman. (ew..)
Me: Where are you living?
Boy: (says dorm name) What's your major?
Me: English. (he doesn't care anyways) You?
Boy: Business. (of course..) Are you a Pi Phi? (sorority)
Me: No.
--At this point the conversation is practically over--
Boy: Do you want to dance?
Me: (takes another sip...pretend to be drunk) I have to pee. Nice to meet you though!
This is how it should've went....
Boy: What's your name?
Me: What does it matter? We both know what you're doing. Don't worry, you don't have to waste your time with me. And I'm not letting your creepy friend take my friend away, so nice try.
But alas, we all have social norms we must follow.
Plus, I don't want to make my friend look bad. It's my job to make her look as good as possible, after all.
These are all very simple guidelines to live by. Sometimes being the sidekick is not a bad thing. Hey, you're not the one making a fool of yourself after all! And sometimes you even get free drinks out of the deal.
Well, hope you liked it and found it somewhat informative.
Until next time,
Kaitie xo
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Halloween
Well it's that time of year again, and by that time of year I mean Yom Kippur.
Just joking. Of course I mean Halloween. The only decent holiday left in my opinion. I mean, how great is it that people give out free candy?! What an act of compassion and caring! (except the people that give out raisins...you're an a-hole, shame on you)
I remember getting so excited, dressing up in my various costumes. Everyone has either been a Hippie, Witch, Rock Star, or Astronaut at least once, correct? One of my favorites was the year I went as a pilgrim. I was into it...I don't know. It was the same year that my sister went as a cow. She hated her life.
When you're younger, you either make your own costume or make your parents shell out the big bucks for a one time wear at super stores, like Target..which I love. You go out with your friends or neighbors or siblings, whatever and you walk around the neighborhood (or in my case your parents drive you to a nice part of town so you don't get attacked or have to walk around without streetlights) Plus the nice neighborhoods always have better candy anyways. I'm talking the Peanut M&M's and Kit Kat bars...ooooOOOooh yeah.
Every house you go to the nice old people would be all "OH WHAT'RE YOU! HOW CUTE! Here you goooo!!" all happily and whatnot and then you'd hop off to the next house hoping you don't run into any of those scary teenagers with their Scream or Michael Myers masks. They freaked me out!
At the end of the night you would all go back home and dump out your copious amounuts of candy on the floor and compare. There was always an unnecessary amount of Smarties and Nestle Crunch bars. And while those are good, enough is enough...you know? Where are the Reese Cups or Airheads?! But the WORST was when you got the Good n Plenty's or Riesen candies (eek! What are we, 70?)
Candy was a very defensive thing back then. My sister and I were very cut throat towards one another. If I thought she was stealing my candy I would yell and scream and threaten..(I was chubby, don't judge). It was all very intense.
Then the candy ended up in the communal bowl anyways because there is only so much candy you can eat in a month. That candy was always the Crunch Bars, Smarties, and Good n Plenty's, by the way.
When you get older, you hit that awkward stage where it's like...you're way too old to go trick or treating. My last year trick or treating was my sophomore year of high school (DON'T JUDGE) and it was such a mistake. Literally almost 75% of the houses we went to said the same thing: "Aren't you too old to be trick or treating?" And I felt like such a little piece of shit.
Yeah, that was my last year.
I say once you're old enough to stop wearing a training bra or have your temporary learner's permit, you are probably too old to be trick or treating.
Then Halloween basically turned into a whore show after that. It became all about who would have the "cutest" aka sluttiest costume of all. The more cleavage and leg showing, the better! Stripper heels CAN go with a firewoman's outfit...don't you know? Basically, shopping for Halloween costumes was easy, you just had to go to the sex shop.
It only got worse in college, because not only do girls dress like sluts, but they are drunk and acting slutty, barfing all over the place and showing their underwear to all. It's all very frightening indeed and gives a whole new meaning to a "scary" Halloween.
The worst is the couples that coordinate their outfits. It makes me want to die a little every time I see it. My parents went as dinosaurs one year. It was horrifying on all levels.
This all just goes to show that you don't need to wear a scary mask in order to frighten people.
Last year I went as Ke$ha, which was fun because I basically got to act like a hot mess the entire night and it was excusable! This year I'm going as a nerd. Which is basically myself, so that won't be too hard.
But I hope everyone has a great Halloween! Stay safe! Dress warm! And as my grandma once said, ladies, "If a guy only wants a scoop..don't give away the whole ice cream truck for free" (I do not think she orginated this statement, but we pretend she did..this is the same grandma that told me if I wasn't married by 30 I should just join a convent)
Anyways.
Happy Halloween!
Just joking. Of course I mean Halloween. The only decent holiday left in my opinion. I mean, how great is it that people give out free candy?! What an act of compassion and caring! (except the people that give out raisins...you're an a-hole, shame on you)
I remember getting so excited, dressing up in my various costumes. Everyone has either been a Hippie, Witch, Rock Star, or Astronaut at least once, correct? One of my favorites was the year I went as a pilgrim. I was into it...I don't know. It was the same year that my sister went as a cow. She hated her life.
When you're younger, you either make your own costume or make your parents shell out the big bucks for a one time wear at super stores, like Target..which I love. You go out with your friends or neighbors or siblings, whatever and you walk around the neighborhood (or in my case your parents drive you to a nice part of town so you don't get attacked or have to walk around without streetlights) Plus the nice neighborhoods always have better candy anyways. I'm talking the Peanut M&M's and Kit Kat bars...ooooOOOooh yeah.
Every house you go to the nice old people would be all "OH WHAT'RE YOU! HOW CUTE! Here you goooo!!" all happily and whatnot and then you'd hop off to the next house hoping you don't run into any of those scary teenagers with their Scream or Michael Myers masks. They freaked me out!
At the end of the night you would all go back home and dump out your copious amounuts of candy on the floor and compare. There was always an unnecessary amount of Smarties and Nestle Crunch bars. And while those are good, enough is enough...you know? Where are the Reese Cups or Airheads?! But the WORST was when you got the Good n Plenty's or Riesen candies (eek! What are we, 70?)
Candy was a very defensive thing back then. My sister and I were very cut throat towards one another. If I thought she was stealing my candy I would yell and scream and threaten..(I was chubby, don't judge). It was all very intense.
Then the candy ended up in the communal bowl anyways because there is only so much candy you can eat in a month. That candy was always the Crunch Bars, Smarties, and Good n Plenty's, by the way.
When you get older, you hit that awkward stage where it's like...you're way too old to go trick or treating. My last year trick or treating was my sophomore year of high school (DON'T JUDGE) and it was such a mistake. Literally almost 75% of the houses we went to said the same thing: "Aren't you too old to be trick or treating?" And I felt like such a little piece of shit.
Yeah, that was my last year.
I say once you're old enough to stop wearing a training bra or have your temporary learner's permit, you are probably too old to be trick or treating.
Then Halloween basically turned into a whore show after that. It became all about who would have the "cutest" aka sluttiest costume of all. The more cleavage and leg showing, the better! Stripper heels CAN go with a firewoman's outfit...don't you know? Basically, shopping for Halloween costumes was easy, you just had to go to the sex shop.
It only got worse in college, because not only do girls dress like sluts, but they are drunk and acting slutty, barfing all over the place and showing their underwear to all. It's all very frightening indeed and gives a whole new meaning to a "scary" Halloween.
The worst is the couples that coordinate their outfits. It makes me want to die a little every time I see it. My parents went as dinosaurs one year. It was horrifying on all levels.
This all just goes to show that you don't need to wear a scary mask in order to frighten people.
Last year I went as Ke$ha, which was fun because I basically got to act like a hot mess the entire night and it was excusable! This year I'm going as a nerd. Which is basically myself, so that won't be too hard.
But I hope everyone has a great Halloween! Stay safe! Dress warm! And as my grandma once said, ladies, "If a guy only wants a scoop..don't give away the whole ice cream truck for free" (I do not think she orginated this statement, but we pretend she did..this is the same grandma that told me if I wasn't married by 30 I should just join a convent)
Anyways.
Happy Halloween!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Random Thoughts of the Day: Male Rainboots and Elevator Laziness
Hi all! I hope everyone had a fairly good hump Day. We're half way to the weekend people, we got this.
Now, today was kind of a gross day for life, very "Great Depression"-esque. It was rainy and cold and everyone was just crabby and miserable. People who are normally peppy and loving were more like me today, cynical and bitchy. It was nice. Not really.
I don't really have a subject for this post, so just roll with me on this one people. I do however want to bring up a few happenstances that occured today.
First, I want to whine a bit about the laziness of Americans. I know, this subject is old and tired and people just take great offense to it...blah blah. Whatever. You're lazy. I'm lazy. We're all lazy. That is what makes this country so great. So why can't we all just get along, sit down, watch some Biggest Loser and eat bon bons?
Now I must say that not every American is lazy. For example, I see people riding their bikes, even in the rain...which is just beyond inspiring (and also somewhat sad) and working out for 3 hours a day, and running marathons, and eating nothing but vegetables. They go out and get their work done and homework done before 12am. So great...for you...
But don't lie, you would totally rather drink a Salted Caramel Mocha from Starbucks than V8 juice. Like, come on.
Anyways.
I'm at the library today. Doin my thang. I'm on the 7th floor, so it is excusable for me to use the elevator. Whatever. So I get on the elevator to leave and am going down and the elevator stops at the 2nd floor. I'm a bit perplexed as to why it is stopping, but keep to myself.
This girl walks in...no physical ailments (no broken leg, ankle, she looks perfectly freaking healthy..happy as a lark)
She has the gull to turn to me and say "is this going down?"
"Yes, it is," I say in return, thinking 'oh she wants to go up, duh!'
NO This bitch gets on the elevator to go down ONE FLOOR. If you are one of these people...SHAME ON YOU!! It is one floor, one flight of steps....GOING DOWN. Not even going up!!! Which is still inexcusable to me. That's bad enough...but going down. Really? You're going to take the elevator going down ONE FLOOR? You're going to make the whole elevator system stop for your fat, lazy ass because you are incapable of walking down the flight of stairs? By the time you waited for the elevator to even get to the 2nd floor you could have been out of the entire building.
I've walked down from the 2nd to 1st floor at this library, it is not challenging. I understand if you are ill, have an injury, whatever...but this girl did not have anything of the sort.
She was being lazy. And to top it off, she was talking on her cell phone the whole time. Talking on your cell phone in the elevator is just awkward anyways. Elevator rides in general are awkward. I could write a whole "Awkward Elevator" Blog and everyone would understand what I'm saying. But please, girl, can you wait literally 12 seconds to get off the elevator to get on your phone? (and also, you're in a library)
There is a special ring in hell for people like this.
(^okay, that was dramatic...) But seriously?!
Could we be any more lazy?
This truly disappointed me and I just wanted to vomit after it happened. She had quite some nerve, that girl.
Now...moving on to my next subject which literally has nothing to do with elevator laziness.
As I stated earlier, today was a very rainy, wet day. And not just that light, drizzly rain, but a consistent downpour throughout the entire day. I'm talking pancho weather. Like there were some ass holes wearing panchos around campus, which I guess is pretty commendable because I would not be caught DEAD in one of those hideous things.
So anyways, us girls have it very easy in comparison. We put our cute little designer rainboots on, our cute pink raincoats, we get our heavy duty polka dot umbrellas out and walk to class. We still complain, because you know, we're girls...that's what we do! (hence my blog)
"My butt is soaked!"
"Ugh, my hair!"
"Why is it hitting me from the side?!" (because it's fucking windy, this is Ohio.)
And so forth...you get the message.
And yeah, it sucks. It was one of those days that no matter what you wear or how hard you try to put on your rainy best you will still get wet and it sucks, and it's hard, and I just want to cry and get into my snuggie.
BUT
Then you see the male college population. And let me just say, you guys are troopers.
For some reason, our society says that it is not socially acceptable for males to a)wear rainboots (unless you're a fisherman or a serial killer) b)carry umbrellas (unless you are over the age of 25 or are a business man of sorts) or c)own a raincoat (unless it's a Nike brand).
I feel for these guys, really I do. I thank God every night before I go to bed for not giving me a penis for this very reason. The whole walking to class in the cold rain in nothing but a hooded sweatshirt.
Guys, I am so sorry.
And also, if you want to wear rainboots, a raincoat, or carry an umbrella...I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU!! (unless the rainboots are girlie...or the raincoat...or if your umbrella is any color but black)--just kidding...kind of
But seriously, I've never felt more bad for the male sex in my life as I did today. One guy even said "I wish it was acceptable for guys to wear rainboots..."
To that random guy, I say YES! You can wear rainboots! You can do anything you want to do! This is America! America is the land of the free, where we should be able to do anything we want to do (within confines). But if not, if you truly are uncomfortable with challenging your societal norms, just get yourself drenched, go home, eat a frozen pizza, and play XBox...that's American too.
Now if you'll excuse me, my ass is wet and my feet are cold because of the rain, so I'm going to go take a long hot shower instead of doing homework...then maybe I'll facebook.
Ahh, laziness. The bliss.
Until next time,
Kaitie xo
Now, today was kind of a gross day for life, very "Great Depression"-esque. It was rainy and cold and everyone was just crabby and miserable. People who are normally peppy and loving were more like me today, cynical and bitchy. It was nice. Not really.
I don't really have a subject for this post, so just roll with me on this one people. I do however want to bring up a few happenstances that occured today.
First, I want to whine a bit about the laziness of Americans. I know, this subject is old and tired and people just take great offense to it...blah blah. Whatever. You're lazy. I'm lazy. We're all lazy. That is what makes this country so great. So why can't we all just get along, sit down, watch some Biggest Loser and eat bon bons?
Now I must say that not every American is lazy. For example, I see people riding their bikes, even in the rain...which is just beyond inspiring (and also somewhat sad) and working out for 3 hours a day, and running marathons, and eating nothing but vegetables. They go out and get their work done and homework done before 12am. So great...for you...
But don't lie, you would totally rather drink a Salted Caramel Mocha from Starbucks than V8 juice. Like, come on.
Anyways.
I'm at the library today. Doin my thang. I'm on the 7th floor, so it is excusable for me to use the elevator. Whatever. So I get on the elevator to leave and am going down and the elevator stops at the 2nd floor. I'm a bit perplexed as to why it is stopping, but keep to myself.
This girl walks in...no physical ailments (no broken leg, ankle, she looks perfectly freaking healthy..happy as a lark)
She has the gull to turn to me and say "is this going down?"
"Yes, it is," I say in return, thinking 'oh she wants to go up, duh!'
NO This bitch gets on the elevator to go down ONE FLOOR. If you are one of these people...SHAME ON YOU!! It is one floor, one flight of steps....GOING DOWN. Not even going up!!! Which is still inexcusable to me. That's bad enough...but going down. Really? You're going to take the elevator going down ONE FLOOR? You're going to make the whole elevator system stop for your fat, lazy ass because you are incapable of walking down the flight of stairs? By the time you waited for the elevator to even get to the 2nd floor you could have been out of the entire building.
I've walked down from the 2nd to 1st floor at this library, it is not challenging. I understand if you are ill, have an injury, whatever...but this girl did not have anything of the sort.
She was being lazy. And to top it off, she was talking on her cell phone the whole time. Talking on your cell phone in the elevator is just awkward anyways. Elevator rides in general are awkward. I could write a whole "Awkward Elevator" Blog and everyone would understand what I'm saying. But please, girl, can you wait literally 12 seconds to get off the elevator to get on your phone? (and also, you're in a library)
There is a special ring in hell for people like this.
(^okay, that was dramatic...) But seriously?!
Could we be any more lazy?
This truly disappointed me and I just wanted to vomit after it happened. She had quite some nerve, that girl.
Now...moving on to my next subject which literally has nothing to do with elevator laziness.
As I stated earlier, today was a very rainy, wet day. And not just that light, drizzly rain, but a consistent downpour throughout the entire day. I'm talking pancho weather. Like there were some ass holes wearing panchos around campus, which I guess is pretty commendable because I would not be caught DEAD in one of those hideous things.
So anyways, us girls have it very easy in comparison. We put our cute little designer rainboots on, our cute pink raincoats, we get our heavy duty polka dot umbrellas out and walk to class. We still complain, because you know, we're girls...that's what we do! (hence my blog)
"My butt is soaked!"
"Ugh, my hair!"
"Why is it hitting me from the side?!" (because it's fucking windy, this is Ohio.)
And so forth...you get the message.
And yeah, it sucks. It was one of those days that no matter what you wear or how hard you try to put on your rainy best you will still get wet and it sucks, and it's hard, and I just want to cry and get into my snuggie.
BUT
Then you see the male college population. And let me just say, you guys are troopers.
For some reason, our society says that it is not socially acceptable for males to a)wear rainboots (unless you're a fisherman or a serial killer) b)carry umbrellas (unless you are over the age of 25 or are a business man of sorts) or c)own a raincoat (unless it's a Nike brand).
I feel for these guys, really I do. I thank God every night before I go to bed for not giving me a penis for this very reason. The whole walking to class in the cold rain in nothing but a hooded sweatshirt.
Guys, I am so sorry.
And also, if you want to wear rainboots, a raincoat, or carry an umbrella...I WILL NOT JUDGE YOU!! (unless the rainboots are girlie...or the raincoat...or if your umbrella is any color but black)--just kidding...kind of
But seriously, I've never felt more bad for the male sex in my life as I did today. One guy even said "I wish it was acceptable for guys to wear rainboots..."
To that random guy, I say YES! You can wear rainboots! You can do anything you want to do! This is America! America is the land of the free, where we should be able to do anything we want to do (within confines). But if not, if you truly are uncomfortable with challenging your societal norms, just get yourself drenched, go home, eat a frozen pizza, and play XBox...that's American too.
Now if you'll excuse me, my ass is wet and my feet are cold because of the rain, so I'm going to go take a long hot shower instead of doing homework...then maybe I'll facebook.
Ahh, laziness. The bliss.
Until next time,
Kaitie xo
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