Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Episodes 3 and 4

Good evening, everyone.
Sorry for the delay, but I have a life outside of this blog...believe it, or not.
So in case you missed it, this week we were given the treat of a two night (four hours..) with the Bachelorette special.
We have a lot to cover.



Let's break it down.

And watch out, I'm feisty tonight.


EPISODE 3

At the beginning of the episode we are informed that this week we will be traveling to Santa Barbara, California. And you know, I've always wanted to go there...so no better way to see it than through the eyes of Bachelorette Andi.
Andi claims, "It's totally different than L.A., the land, the air, the mountains, you can feel the difference. It's like a totally different place."
Insightful, Andi. And you know what, dear? It is a completely different place.


never 4get

CHarrison busts in Bachelorette Mansion and informs the men that they will be traveling to Santa Barbara and these guys are really, really pumped about it like it's college football Saturday.



Nick V. aka Average Guy Nick, gets the one-on-one date card. Bachelorette Andi decides to take him bike riding, which is exactly the type of date you'd expect to go on with Average Guy Nick V.



This also poses the question in my own mind: Do I remember how to ride a bike? (it's been years)
Back to Andi.
So Nick and Andi are riding bikes and look like the perfect, average, Santa Barbaran couple.
(interlude back to Bachelorette Mansion-Santa Barbara Edition, where Marcus is talking mad shit with Andrew about Nick V...I'm starting to get Crazy Clare vibes from Marcus, but we'll see...)
Back to the date, where apparently Andi and Nick are STILL riding bikes. It seems as if they have been riding these fucking bikes for 10 hours.
They decide to hike up a mountain and talk for a bit...SNORE.
Nick seems 'skeptical' that this isn't an 'organic' way to meet someone. LOL.
You are just now figuring this out, dude?
It becomes apparent that Nick V. is such a nerd. I could totally see myself having an in depth conversation about Game of Thrones with him. You know the type!



Nick proceeds to tell Andi that he is 'crushing on her' and Andi takes this news really, really excitedly by exclaiming, "He's crushing on me!? WHUUUT?! Is this real?"
Um, yeah. Andi...obviously. He wouldn't be here if he wasn't?
Sometimes I question how she got through law school with this logic.
They stand together then in an embrace and watch the sunset...SNORE.



Bachelorette Andi decides to take Average Guy Nick V. to the courthouse for dinner and wine which is oddly romantic but also painfully boring to us as viewers.
Nick V. sports a popped collar look and Andi then asks him "why aren't you married?"
Well, I'm not sure Andi, but I want to lean towards that popped collar as being one of the reasons!
Seriously, Nick, unpop your collar this instant.
After Andi awkwardly asks Nick why he isn't married (is she drunk?? I miss Frat Boy Craig :(... ) Nick responds, basically in this way: Well, I was engaged. And I thought I was really cool...? (IDK it didn't make sense to me either, moving on)
(interlude back to Bachelorette Mansion- Santa Barbara Edition, Andrew is very nervous that he hasn't gotten any dates yet...meanwhile his boyfriend, Patrick has..HOW RUDE. Do I sense some jealousy? Of Andi?)
Back on the date, Bachelorette Andi is VERY impressed with how "open" Nick V is being. I wouldn't know because I tuned out halfway through the 10 hour bike ride, myself.
Apparently, talking endlessly about your past and what you've lived through (failed relationships...yeah haven't we all?) makes you an open book then okay, let's talk about how I lived through eight years in Catholic school.
I am only joking. I know he's talking about his past love...whatever, blah, blah.
Andi claims that she and Nick have a lot in common "in a philosophical" sense (OKAY SHARLEEN)
Nick snags the first kiss of the night (not that it really matters because she starts handing them out pretty easily in this episode, because why the fuck not? wouldn't you?)

My mother's summation of the date with Nick: There's a certain charm about him. He's very bashful.

Like one of the seven dwarves, yes.

Next up is the group date. Most of the guys are picked, including Marcus, who is apparently very salty that he didn't get a one-on-one *cough cough* POSSESSIVE.
Bachelorette Andi takes the boys to the Music Academy of the West in Santa Barbara, which is very prestigious I GUESS.
AKA Bradley is pumped and he has "actually performed here in a competition before"
Then suddenly we are introduced to BOYZIIMEN!!! Holy hell! This is exciting stuff!



And not only that, but they are singing everyone's favorite sex song ever, "I'll Make Love to You" because WHY NOT.
I am not the only one who is really excited about this. These guys are absolutely freaking out in a way that is probably not natural. But who am I to judge?
"Pretty sure I got my cherry popped to this song!" -everyone
Bradley the Opera Star begins to sing and he absolutely needs to stop this very instant. And just needs to stop in general. I can't even believe this guy is a human that actually exists. He is that terrifying and cheesy.
He is just always making things slightly too weird and uncomfortable.


here he is, in all his glory

Andi and Boyz II Men tell the guys that they will be learning the song and performing it. OKAY, fine...embarrassing, but not a big deal.
Cody aka Macklemore is absolutely bad. Where is Ryan Lewis when you need him?
Actually, in general, all of these guys are absolutely bad. Even Bradley.
Andi also sucks at singing and I can think of zero reasons for her or the producers to choose this ridiculous date.
After they've been practicing they are surprised with the news that they will be singing "I'll Make Love to You" in front of a live audience at a Boyz II Men concert...which poses the question: Can you imagine going to a Boyz II Men concert and having to experience THIS mess?
Also, Boyz II Men is playing outdoor shopping malls now?
That's disappointing, tbh.



They all arrive at the outdoor mall, ready to sing in front of thousands (more like hundreds) of people. And one team of guys is dressed in nice, dapper, khaki sports coats with ties, while the other team of guys have to wear these ridiculous hats that make me way to weep.
I, like, don't even want to talk about those hats.
CHarrison pops up like "hey y'all!"
Who invited him, again?
JK, love you Chris.

Bradley: To be in my element and not get a rose...it would be...devastating.
(let that statement percolate)
So the guys start singing and they really aren't any better, at all, than they were in rehearsal...and it's just all very mortifying to have to sit through.
Andi says, evilly, "They are all butchering this song, and think they're doing really well. It's hilarious."
The little girl in the crowd with her hands covering her ears, yeah, you're right.
PS HOLD ON Tasos is a Wedding Event Coordinator???
Not the job I would put with him, not even a little bit.


Those who don't wed? Plan!

So finally the concert is over. Thank God...because that was very...hard to watch.
We move on to the cocktail party, which is almost a relief at this point, in which Bachelorette Andi decides to "get to know her boys!" better.
Andi pulls Cody (Macklemore-Hulk Version) aside and decides she wants to "mess with him a little" and jokingly confronts him about a "rumor" she's been hearing that he has a girlfriend back home. You can see him getting progressively angrier. His face gets all red and he's ready to hulk smash, basically, or steal your grandpa's style. (no for real, can he have his hand-me-downs?)



Then he begins sweating, which is no shock to anyone...yuck.
Andi then laughs and says she is totally messing with him.
Cody is like "LOL I was about to pop a vessel! You're hilarious and charming, Andi!"
PS Thanks Bachelorette producers for teasing that moment in the previews making it seem more dramatic than it actually was! So rude.
(interlude back to Bachelorette Mansion- Santa Barbara Edition, the guys are chilling [a bit too close for comfort] in the hot tub together when the one-one-one date card comes in...JJ the Pantsapreneur gets the date)
Back to the date. We see the guys all sitting together, not really having much to talk about except how Andi is "the total package" which...come on. Is that really what they talk about when they're bored? How awkward.
Marcus wants his time with Andi, of course...
And he gets all nervous and sweaty and it's very apparent that he is expecting all these roses all the time now. I am getting really sick of him and his needy behavior at this point. He is definitely turning into to Crazy Clare of the season...way too expectant and clingy. I shall call him, from this point forward Needy Marcus.
Besides, I decided that I kind of don't trust Marcus. I don't know why. I really think his shy guy act is a facade and he seems like the kind of guy who would send your friend nude pics even though he took you out to dinner the night before. Not speaking from experience, or anything, just saying..

Josh (WHO APPARENTLY IS A FORMER BASEBALL PLAYER NOT A FORMER BASKETBALL PLAYER?! WTF? Sorry for that...I'm wasted...but yeah this changes everything) So Josh, the former BASEBALL player, takes his time with Andi and plays the cute guy act and gets a 'steamy' kiss out of it, which just sort of sounds like a lot of suction to me.
But hey, what do I know of romance, right?
Bachelorette Andi ends the night by talking, and talking, and talking...because she loves the sound of her own voice, I guess, and finally gives the date rose to Josh.
Needy Marcus is very upset by this, because he felt he earned it.

Mom's Summation: How embarrassing...

Bachelorette Andi picks up JJ the Pantsapreneur for their one-on-one date. I can definitely see how he is a "pantsapreneur" because I've never seen that style of pants on any man...well, ever.
Andi then informs JJ that they will be "turning into old people together" which seems really confusing until we are introduced to the make up chairs. Now it's just frightening.
Sounds like a nightmare, looks like a nightmare, must be a nightmare.
"This is kind of cute because we'll see how we look when we're old together!"  aka "We can see what we'll look like when we're a few short days AWAY FROM DEATH!" *oh stop, you were all thinking it*
Just ew. WTF?
I mean, they're going to walk around like this? In old people garb?
This is a date?!
Now. I know I went into this paragraph originally very skeptical, but once they're out and freaking normal civilians out with their old people personas, the idea of this date started to grow on me.
Perhaps because I myself like to mess with people and used to go into Abercrombie pretending to be pregnant all the time when I was younger.
(interlude back to the Bachelorette Mansion- Ron begins packing his things because there is a family emergency at home, which we later find out is a close family friend :( we're sorry Ron, you'll be missed...meanwhile all the other guys are sitting together in the living room, very close on the couch. I don't get it? Do they sit like that often? All together? Odd.)
Meanwhile, back on the date, Andi and JJ are having a great time freaking people out in their old people outfits and make up, running around this park like lunatics, doing cartwheels and shit.
People are really alarmed by it, and it is actually quite hilarious.
After the old people shenanigans, Andi and JJ get dressed back as their normal selves and go to a nice dinner together. We find out that JJ was a dork when he was younger. No shit.
JJ says, "I know we're not the same people, but I do know that we want the same things."
How do you know, JJ?! You've known this girl two weeks! This show never ceases to amaze me...
(interlude back to the mansion: Cute yet Aloof Dylan emotionally opens up to Farmer Chris about the loss of his brother and sister.. :( very sad stuff!)



Finally, we approach the end of the episode, aka the cocktail party.
Bachelorette Andi joins them all in the living room and gives a toast to Ron. Of course, making the situation about her. "This made me realize how much y'all are giving up for me, and I'm so grateful."
Like, okay?
That's what you got out of Ron's close friend dying? I don't know...but whatever. I guess she handled it the only way she could.
Prince Eric pulls Andi aside right away and lets her know that he is very thankful that she asked him on the first one-on-one date last week (which in Bachelorette time is like, months ago...way in the past now!) Nevertheless, the moment is very cute, but is abruptly ruined when Average Guy Nick V has flowers delivered to her? with a note. Andi can't help but smile rudely, like a tart, while Eric sits there, awkwardly sweating.
What is he? Chopped liver!?
That was not cool, man.
But apparently it worked, Andi loved it and Nick claimed that he wanted to make this "unnatural experience more natural" ALLLLRIGHT, FINE.

Suddenly, we cut to JJ who "needs to get something off his chest" and I AM VERY NERVOUS...sweating, not as bad as these guys, but still sweating.
We find out that JJ witnessed Andrew getting a number from the hostess of some irrelevant restaurant and 'bragging' about it to the other guys.
OOH THE DRAMA.
But first, JJ has to go grab some muscle to back him up, and immediately goes to Josh, former baseball player to tell him what he knows. Josh is furious.
Together, along with JJ's ridiculous pants (seriously wtf is that print?), they confront Andrew. Andrew pussies out, as expected, and literally walks away, up to his room, and shuts the door.
"So that's what kind of guy you are, huh?" Josh and JJ both shake their heads, verrrry offended.
No one needed to tell me twice that Andrew was an ass hole. You can tell just from that fucking smirk on his face since day one.
Andrew claims: "I don't want to get attacked by some ass hole and some nerd," further proving that he is, indeed, a prick.
Then he goes "Where is Patrick? Patrick will protect me!" (lol jk, sort of)
Meanwhile, Needy Marcus pulls Andi aside and hands her a note (WHAT IS WITH THESE NOTES LATELY?) and kisses her, telling her how much she means to him. You know, being his usual emotional self.
CHarrison comes in and can sense the tension with the guys.
He eases said tension by telling them IT'S TIME FOR ELIMINATION, FUCKERS.
Andrew concludes the cocktail party by making an awkward toast about he hopes "everyone is here for the right reasons, and that he hopes whoever Andi chooses is worthy of her" (okay, douchelord)



Patrick takes this moment to blot some sweat from his forehead...WHICH THANK YOU, FINALLY SOMEONE DOES.

Rose Ceremony:
-does Lamaze breathing-
1. Needy Marcus
2. Brian (tone deaf stripper and educator of America) - also sorry I've been spelling his name wrong thusfar
3. Marquel (looking good tonight, cookie man)
4. Tasos (crazy cat)
5. Cody (gonna pop some tags, only got 20 dollars in his pocket)
6. Patrick (I've got nothing)
7. Chris (TEAM IOWA!)
8. Prince Eric
9. Dylan (awwe, yay)
10. Andrew (THE DRAMA CONTINUES!...like we didn't see that coming)

Therefore, Bachelorette Andi sends the Lamp Guy home, who doesn't seem that upset actually.



And also, Bradley the Opera Singer. THANK GOD. Sorry, but he had to go.
Bradley, however, doesn't take it so well, and has literal tears pouring from his eyes.
I have nothing to say. I mean honestly. The guy is a total whackjob.
Be a man, grow a pair of balls, and GOOOOODBYYYYYYEE (in opera bravado)







Winners/Standouts of the Night:
Average Guy Nick V for his letter writing, flower delivering and popped collar. Apparently, Andi is into that shit. JJ and Josh both stand out as being manly men, defending their lady from evil. Prince Eric for being cute and the only one who actually wasn't a terrible singer at that Boyz II Men concert. Dylan, you'll get your time BB, we're rooting for you. Farmer Chris because duh, he's my favorite every week.

Losers:
Andrew for being a total dick-wad. Definitely Bradley, for being Bradley. Needy Marcus, because I no longer like him. Marquel, did Andi even talk to you?

Hottie of the Week:
JJ, thanks for not being an old geezer yet. You're cute despite your pants.

"STAHHPP" counts:
none!? I wasn't really paying attention. Sorry.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

EPISODE 4


We're in New England tonight, y'all.

Bachelorette Andi claims, "New England is so romantic...it's full of water, sailboats, and rich old white people" (okay, the last part was paraphrased)

We kick off the episode with Cody? Idk, but whatever. Apparently, he really wants a one-on-one. And come on...do any of us see him getting a one-on-one? No. Does Andi take him seriously? Sorry, Cody. Just give up.



Also, let's talk about there's definitely a lot of homoerotic bonding going on here between these guys. They love each other.



Dylan gets the first one-on-one date tonight! Yay! Rightfully so.
This poor guy needed his time in the light. He's definitely been flying under the radar, and I think it's because he's shy.
He still needs a haircut, though.
Andrew gives us some insight that "Dylan will definitely have to open up today if he wants a shot with Andi" because I guess Andrew is the expert on Andi now (one group date...)
Bachelorette Andi takes Dylan on a train around the coast or something. And sure enough, Dylan seems quite hesitant, as Andrew predicted.
PS Wow, this music is pretty epic for this situation. Just saying.
Dylan opens up to Andi about his past, ever so slightly, just a little bit.
He looks extremely sad and depressing.
Anyways, as they are getting off the train my cable went out....so sorry y'all.
Cable comes back on and they both look happier and are getting back on the train. He also has the rose, so I assume the date went well. AKA he probably opened up.
Good job, Dylan.



Next up is the group date:
The contestants will be playing basketball, in an arena, in the hotel.
Must be nice.
Brian is, of course, pumped about it because he's a basketball coach and basically has this date in the bag.
Farmer Chris states: I've never been on a date with ten other guys before.
Yeah honey, most people haven't.
JJ has a shirt with his own name on it? Interesting, yet not surprising.
Andi comes out with some WNBA players alongside her. Josh claims to recognize them which, props to you Josh, because if I ever met a guy who knew anything about the WNBA, I would die of shock.
Anyways, the guys begin playing the WNBA players, and of course, are awful.
Nothing gets men's blood pumping like sex or competitive aggression sports. Good choice, Andi. Let's separate the boys from the men here.
The men are then split into two teams and told the winning team will go get drinks with Andi later, and the losers have to go back to the hotel and hang out with Needy Marcus (PLEASE NO)
So anyways, Brian's team basically feels like they have it in the bag. And I must admit Brian is quite cute with his planning and coaching and whatnot.
These guys are really, really into this. It's sexy and also somewhat embarrassing.
Andi is sitting with the WNBA players like "mmmhmmm...nice form"...GUUURRRL.
So at halftime, they are tied 6-6 (really? what was the first half only two minutes long?)
The guys go to the locker room for a pep talk and realize that they actually have to bust their asses right now because ANDI'S HEART IS AT STAKE HERE!!!



Personally, if I were the Bachelorette, I would make men play Badminton for my heart, because that is a sexy ass game. Ya feel?

Brian, of course, shines and Andi takes notice of DAT ASS.
Therefore, Brian's team, the Rosebuds (like the cheat code in The Sims) take home the W. (even though they have 6 people on their team, and the other team only had 5...but whatever)

At the cocktail party that night, Andi pulls Prince Eric aside first and tells him that she feels their relationship has been "Stalled"
Eric tries, as politely as possible, to explain that the reason for this is most likely because they haven't gotten to speak at all since their first one-on-one date weeks prior to this.
She then shoots back that she feels he is not "opening up" to her.
Eric asks what she wants to know and she says "I want to know about your family"
SNORE.
But Prince Eric, being the gentleman that he is, decides to tell her all about his family and how much they mean to her. She seems satisfied by this.
"OK GREAT! THE SPARK IS REUNITED!"?
I mean honestly, how can she say that to Eric? It's not like they've had much time together at all. When he did try to talk to her, she got flowers from Nick and ditched him. Sorry, but I am taking Eric's side in this. I think Andi just doesn't like when guys aren't fighting for her attention all the time. That's annoying.
Anyways. Moving on.
Bachelorette Andi takes Brian out of center court and they shoot some hoops together.
"I've never done this! I've never been on a professional court like this!" she says, stupidly. Yeah, Andi, MOST PEOPLE HAVE NOT.
Brian teaches Andi how to do a layup, and suddenly, she's perfect.
Brian is definitely acting all nervous and adorable. Andi tells him that if he makes a half court shot, he may get rewarded for it. So he takes the shot, not thinking he'll make it, when indeed he does.




Brian is as shocked as Andi is that he actually made the basket. Instead of kissing her, as she was hinting him to do, he awkwardly hugs her before going back to the group, missing his shot.
DUDE, COME ON.
"I'm really bad at reading signs. All of my friends tell me I have zero game with girls," he says. Yeah buddy, seriously, you are, because she wanted to jump your bones.
Average Guy Nick V pulls her aside next and they talk. He tells her that she is "all he thinks about" and how he "wakes up thinking about her"...which okay, in most contexts is a code red creeper alert.
Despite Nick's thirsty attempt to get the MVP Rose, Andi awards the rose to Brian...because I mean, he did make the half court shot and all.

Needy Marcus gets the one-on-one date and feels the need to write a poem about it all night (kidding, maybe)
Andi is afraid of heights, but wants to "take a leap of faith with Marcus" because who wouldn't want to do something completely terrifying with someone they just met for fun?
Bachelorette Andi takes Needy Marcus up to the roof of their crazy tall hotel building. It is here we find out they will be scaling down the side of the building, because that's fucking fun. right?
Andi then proceeds to tell us, "I've never sky dived, I've never bungee jumped..." OKAY ANDI MOST PEOPLE HAVEN'T!! Jesus.
Marcus decides to keep his stylish scarf on the entire time and I secretly am hoping it flies off the side of the building. Maybe he'll write a sonnet about his lost scarf and cry about it over candlelight.
These dates really have no consistency at all, if we're being honest. She goes from riding a train and dressing up like an old person to climbing down the side of a mile high building.
Sense isn't made.



Anyways.
Andi is freaking out. She is really terrified, which is good, because it shows that she is, in fact, human.
After about thirty minutes of coaxing, Marcus and the instructor manage to get Andi off the top and on the side.
They get themselves prepped for the repelling and we realize that they will be repelling down past the other guys' rooms. Needy Marcus is excited about this.
As the guys see them coming down, they hoot and holler and act obnoxious. Brian claims that Marcus looks terrified and "there's no crying in repelling!" which I found kind of funny, TBH.
To calm Andi down, Marcus tries talking to her. He asks her what her mom does for a living and Andi replies, "She plays Mahjong with her friends on weekends" and I laughed hysterically, because that's pretty funny.
They kiss on the side of the building and with that wind, I'd rather not, you feel me?
After a thrilling (and not too fun looking) date, they go on their night date with dinner and drinks. Needy Marcus continues to act like his nervous self.
He acts all shocked and pleased when she offers him the rose, like he has no idea that she likes him. COME ON DUDE. It's such an act.
She has told him repeatedly that she likes him and is intrigued by him, yet he still doubts himself all the time in front of her. I'm sick of his awkward, sad puppy thing. It's fucking irritating.
Don't you want to be with someone who acts like a man, at least SOMETIMES?
Andi tells him that today was a test to see more of his "protective instinct" and I'm sorry, I didn't realize Marcus was training for the K-9 unit.
"I'm so addicted" he says about her kisses...which doesn't sound weird or threatening.
AWKWARD CONCERT TIME.
They dance alone on a platform in front of a bunch of strangers as a country singer croons away.
Normal.
It is here that Marcus claims he is "falling in love" with Andi.



WHAT?!
BRO, PULL IT TOGETHER!
He is so fucking needy. It's episode 4!!! Jeesh. To drop the L-bomb...that's seriously a bit much.
Even for this show.
Andi doesn't really say anything back, just kisses him to shut him up. If that were me, I'd be creeped out.
Andi asks us "Is there anything wrong with Marcus??"
To which my mom replies to her, "Yeah probably his stalker-y letters!"



Before the cocktail party/rose ceremony, Andi gets YET ANOTHER LETTER....from a secret admirer.
What is this? The season of letters?
In the letter, the guy basically says he is falling in love with her and is so glad he is here...blah blah.
What is wrong with these pansies?!
My guess as to who it is? Marcus or Nick V since they love writing letters apparently.

Cocktail party:
Andi claims, "This is working for me!" when she walks in and sees all the hot guys in suits. Yeah, of course, no shit you like it. Most heterosexual women would.
She endlessly talks as usual and Tasos barely lets her finish before jumping up and demanding his time with her.
She's not into it...



Andi says she appreciates that kind of forwardness. She says this whole thing is about fighting for love and putting yourself out there, and it's not about the gimmicks and little things.
OKAY ANDI. Well, so far, you've been really, really impressed with the stupid gimmicks like the flowers and the cookies and the songs and shit. So shut up. I really don't get her right now. Like I honestly can't peg her personality because she sounds so fake sometimes. TBH.
I want to like her, I really really do...because she's cool and a lawyer, and seems different...but when she speaks I am instantly annoyed. She's a hypocrite, honestly.
Hopefully that changes.
Brian takes her aside next, telling her he regrets not kissing her on the bball court, so he kisses her then and it's all very romantic? I guess.
Marquel is looking good and fresh and pulls her aside. He seems a little tipsy and wants to teach her some self defense moves. (why?? will she need them!?) He says he is into UFC fighting as if that is his career but I will never forget the cookies, Marquel. Never.

And then...the drama begins.
Prince Eric wants to talk to Andi about something that's been bothering him. He confronts her about the fact that she claims their relationship has "stalled" when she never even really gave it a chance to start. Eric says that he doesn't think Andi should blame him for the fact that they aren't connecting, because he's opened up to her a lot, and she has barely opened up or shown her true self to him at all.
Andi takes A LOT of offense to this.
Especially when Eric accidentally refers to what she's doing as "acting"...which is a big no-no in Bachelor world.
She is getting progressively angrier at him, and I'm pretty sure she gets so mad at him because she knows he is right and brings up valid points.
"I'm trying so hard to be natural and real!" she says...even though a moment before she told him that she's been nothing but real with him the entire time? So IDK what the fuck she's talking about. My mother thinks she was a bit drunk.
The truth is, Eric is right. Andi has spent a lot of time pressuring these guys to open up to her, but have we once seen her talk about her life with them? We know Juan Pablo did when he was the bachelor...not that he's a prime example, but you know.
I don't necessarily think Eric went about it the right way when he said she was 'acting' and 'faking.' And I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to upset her, but be honest with her.
She really, really didn't like that. She started freaking out and getting all sassy and defensive...and quite frankly, annoying.
She starts acting like a total lunatic. Eric says "I should probably go...this wasn't how I wanted this to go" and she basically tells him "too bad..."
So Prince Eric walks out of the cocktail party, all because he was being honest with her.
Andi then proceeds with her freak out and storms into the room where the other men are and says "I AM EXHAUSTED OF THIS! I AM TRYING SO HARD...I WANT THIS TO BE NATURAL, I AM TRYING TO BE NATURAL. IF THIS ISN'T REAL TO YOU, THERE'S THE DOOR" acting like a total drama queen.



I understand why she is upset, but she has to admit Eric had valid points! It's not going to be 100% real, there are cameras everywhere. In fact, I will make the argument that it's not even 50% real...
Maybe not even 25%.

Anyways.
Eric departs, his final words on the show being "Love and family are the most important things in the world, I would never not take that seriously."
:(
It's all the more devastating because he passed away shortly after this.
I mean, how terribly heartbreaking!
Instead of doing a rose ceremony, they do a little remembrance of Eric. Chris Harrison sits down with Andi and they talk about Eric and his time on the show/the impact he had. It was very sad.
Upon asking Andi about it, she says that "It's so weird how it ended...knowing we'll never resolve anything. I feel bad. I can't talk to him at the Men Tell All. We live in this bubble, and forget everything out there, blah blah."
OKAY...you can't talk to him at the Men Tell All?
Really?
Why do you feel the need to say that?
You can't talk to him again, period. He's gone.
I mean, this is bigger than a TV show?
I just found it weird that she would say something like that about seeing him at the Men Tell All...like who cares about the dumb reunion show?
She probably didn't mean it the way it came out, but still. Awkward.
She then says how she "tried so hard to make things comfortable and natural" and wanted things to be honest and real.

Like, I get it Andi. But you need to calm down. How can you say you're 'exhausted'? This thing just started. You're lucky, girlfran! You have all these men who want to spend time with you and talk to you and get to know you. You have people doing your hair and make up, you're traveling to amazing places, and seeing amazing things, and having all this fun on these weird yet exciting dates. And when someone expresses their honest, true feelings towards you, you freak out?
How can you act like such a complete brat about this when you did the same thing to Juan Pablo? You were honest with him about how you felt, wouldn't you want that too?
I don't know. I just found her breakdown at the cocktail party to be completely bratty and out of line. I found her words with Chris Harrison to  be awkward and not thought through enough. I understand it's a really uncomfortable situation, but I just felt like it was made about the show still, despite them saying it wasn't about the show.
Generally, I like Andi but was really disappointed in the way she handled things with Eric, mostly with his time on the show.

Also, I like how Chris Harrison was like "we don't want to focus on the rose ceremony at all. We aren't even going to show you the rose ceremony...but just so you know Tasos went home, and here are previews for next week's episode!"

Really?
Still pretty tacky, if you ask me.

All I have to say about all this is, Tasos, you were fun...a little weird, but fun.
And Rest in Peace, Eric. You sweet prince. :(

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Episodes 1 and 2

Good evening friends!
As you can see, I've decided to do a Bachelorette blog this summer. Hopefully, some of you are still reading. If so...welcome back. And just know that there is no way I would be able to write this without your loving encouragement, and also 3/4 of a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

SO. I'm going to be writing on episodes 1 and 2 tonight since I've been a lazy daisy since last week.
Hope you enjoy.

EPISODE 1:

For those of you living under a rock, we are introduced to Lawyer Andi, who is now known in this blog as Bachelorette Andi. She's about the same person she was as when we left her last season when she dumped Juan Pablo's ass during their fantasy suite date. Her ombre is much, much more subtle now and I can appreciate that.




Chris Harrison kicks off the season looking dapper as ever, and hella fine. We start off the episode on a really sad note, with a message of contestant Eric Hill's passing. This is extremely sad because it doesn't even take two episodes to realize what a cool, nice guy he seemed to be. So I'm already very emotionally invested. RIP Eric Hill :(

After Chris introduces us to this season, we get Bachelorette Andi's little intro.
Meet Andi, 27, cool girl lawyer from Hotlanta, Georgia. She's a prosecutor who puts those bad guys AWAY. She talks about her career as being the main source of success in her life stating, "I worked very hard to get to where I am. It's a huge part of my life. This is everything to me.." so I'm giving it all up to on The Bachelorette for 10 weeks...?
Okayyyy.
Next we get some shots of her walking around, doing female-y things, apparently, like walking down a beach  and around a park as she looks off into the distance and she talks about love then we see her shopping for lipstick and shit (because that's all we women do.)
I can just see the producers: "Yeah, okay, Andi great...now go walk around this park for a bit, sit on the bench, let the breeze go through her hair...GREAT SHOT...now look at that pond...good, yes, excellent! THIS IS GOLD."
Andi also discusses how her family is very important to her, and we all remember Andi's dad ripping Juan Pablo a new one last season, so of course, we want to see him again.
Andi's dad says he feels much more comfortable this time around, basically just reiterates the fact that he is really, really happy that she isn't with Juan Pablo.



After introductions, Chris Harrison and Bachelorette Andi walk into Bachelorette Mansion together and look like a very happy couple--oh wait.
Andi is terrified to meet 25 guys, which I don't blame her at all for as I am sweating with nerves for her.
"I don't know what I did to deserve 25 guys flying in from all across the country just to meet me," she says...and I know why...BECAUSE YOU DUMPED JUAN PABLO...YOU SHOULD GET ALL AWARDS FOR THAT #CantForgetWontForget

The limos start arriving with the lucky contestants...and I can't help but feel like these limos are really buzzing with sexual energy. Like, these guys are "ooh"-ing and "aah"-ing in a way that I didn't know men were capable of...outside of...you know, the bedroom.
These guys are totally geeking out.
Are men really like this...?
I don't know...



Before Bachelorette Andi meets the guys, CHarrison pops on over and asks her "Why are you so nervous?"
GEE, IDK Chris, have you ever had to deal with that much testosterone coming at you in one sitting?!
Eh...on second thought, don't answer that.

ALRIGHT. Here we go. Guys come out of limo in this order:
1- Marcus- cute blonde guy, very nervous and shaky (like a small dog who has to shit)...both cute and awkward. Andi really likes this guy because as he is walking away she checks out his ass and goes "ooh he is hot" which, like, YA GIRL, we know..watching this with you.
2- Chris- really smiley, friendly, nice, country boy from Iowa...is basically exactly how I would expect an ideal Iowan man to be.
3- JJ- "pantsapreneur" (which is not a word, but IS his profession, I guess.), kind of a goofball, wearing a tie, geeks out, claims he is on a "love quest" aka a noble journey to find true love like he's playing Skyrim, or something.

Bilbo is also on a love quest.


4- Marquel- very charming, very interestingly dressed, sexy black man
5- Tasos- fohawk, loves to travel, wants to take Andi to Paris ASAP (locks on Lover's Bridge stunt) which you know, is kind of cute
6- Cody- this fool comes up, fake pushing the limo, looking like Macklemore on steroids, informs America, and Andi, that he is a personal trainer, which I could've told you without even having to see the info bar



7- Steven- aka Teddy Geiger, Cali Boy, very "stoked" to be there, looks like he's 19
8- Rudy- attorney (do attorneys and prosecutors get along?)
9- Carl- fireman, wins everything automatically for having the sexiest profession and having tattoos, gives her a globe (can't remember the reasoning behind this TBH)
10- Jason- channeling Brad Pitt's long blonde hair, uses cheesy pick up line, kind of bizarre, inside we can totally tell Andi is like "hell no"
11- Nick V- software sales rep (snore), I have a feeling he will go far...but IDK
12- Dylan- accountant, super cute, super nervous, may need a haircut
13- Patrick- advertising exec (hey, can you get me a job, buddy?), comes up kicking a soccer ball (must be manly man) ME MAN, ME LIKE SPORTS, but he is definitely attractive...and tall, and probably a total ass



14- Emil- helicopter pilot, looks like he stepped out of a cologne ad, but doesn't matter because he pronounces his name "Anal"...so he's definitely not lasting long
15- Brett- hairstylist and total wacko, comes up with a fucking lamp, a stolen lamp, from the hotel, that's all
16- Craig- another accountant, comes up spraying a champagne bottle in a very phallic way all over the place, claims to be "here to start the party" so we all know where this is going to go
17- Ron- world traveler, can't tell if he's excited or not because his eyes are creeping me out


18- Bradley- another fucking opera singer (where are they finding these people?), wants to "serenade" Andi later (typical...inorganic)
19- Josh- super cute, looks like someone I know, but I can't pinpoint it...so this description is a little lackluster
20- Nick- pro golfer, rolls up in a golf cart, seems charming, has bald spot, but is super sexy IMO
21- Bryan- basketball coach, looks like every guy I ever had a crush on in high school, seems pretty down to earth
22- Andrew- social media marketer (hey, can you get me a job, buddy?), looks like a boyfriend in a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie

This one specifically...you know I'm right.



23- Mike aka "Call me 'Camps'" (whatever the fuck that is)- another Brad Pitt long hair wannabe, bartender who wants to appear natural by introducing himself in the most unnatural way I've ever seen
24- Eric- :(, explorer, super attractive, gives Andi these special little dolls that were made from him in Uruguay or something, looks exactly like Prince Eric
25- Josh M.- former basketball player (NBA, I guess..even though he is white?), is this guy a character in a romance novel?, seems like a bit of a trouble maker, and Andi totally checks out his ass



Time to now go inside and "enjoy" and these guys are totally geeking out all like "OMG I'M SO PUMPED!" and "Andi's the total package, man!"
A room full of attractive men vying for your affection and love? Definitely not normal. And in a big way there is something so different about The Bachelor and The Bachelorette...because, female competing for a man's attention is all too normal, whereas men competing for a woman's affection is a lot more rare, IMO.

Anyways.
Every guy that talks to Andi is like "just keep complimenting her, just keep complimenting her!"
Josh, former NBA player, wastes no time pulling her aside. She can't decide if he is genuine or not. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt..but...I am still reeling from the trust problem I had with Juan Pablo (which Andi should be too!)
Marquel also takes Bachelorette Andi aside and gives her wine and cookies (at this point, I would have totally given him the FIR [first impression rose] BECAUSE SO SOLD)
I mean, where did he get these fucking cookies from?! Is this, like, his passion..?

CHarrison comes out with the FIR and all these boys start sweating like they have some sort of illness, okay.
Like, good God, can someone blot these gents down with a towelette!? EW.

JJ then takes Andi aside and I finally figure out what a "pantsapraneur" is..I guess he designs pants.
Golfer Nick teaches Andi how to putt putt, because that's super difficult, I guess.
Some guys make her food, and are joking with her and laughing and shit. It's way more fun and easy-going than The Bachelor ever is, that's for sure! They're all just having a good old time together.
Tasos stands out to me with his fohawk by being super cute. Nick V is super precious as well, talking about his 35 siblings or whatever.

Then we transition to Bradley, the Opera Singer, who decides, what better time to belt out some fucking tunes?! He turns into a complete ham and sings his opera in front of all of these bros who look like they need another beer ASAP.

Meanwhile, Patrick and Andrew, both being into cars and the marketing world, decide to become the two best friends to ever exist. Bromance alert.
Maybe they should date?

BUT THEN...amidst all these fun times and emerging romances (I'm referring to Patrick and Andrew, obviously) this former Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad (ew, I'm not even entertaining the fact that that show exists on this blog..) star, Chris somethingowski or something from Emily's season shows up, crashing the party. Security/the producers won't let him in because apparently the showrunners has NO IDEA AT ALL (cough cough bull shit) that he would come barging in like this...totally and completely unannounced.

They find CHarrison who comes up to Chris and is like "dude, what are you doing here?"
Other Chris says "I want to meet Andi" and is holding, like, 7 roses (odd)
The security guard is cracking me up because he's like "there is no way in hell you're getting on this set"
And side note, if that is their only security guard on that set, then I'm a little alarmed. Like, I feel like I could take him and go crash some group dates or at least a cocktail party at Bachelorette Mansion.
Anyways, apparently this Other Chris can't get enough of being on this reality TV show looking for love. CHarrison is like "We can't have any more Chris's on this show right now...we've filled our quota."
Other Chris is like "PLEASE, I need to meet her...or at least get my bid in for next season's The Bachelor *WINK*"
CHarrison is like, "Good God, FINE, I will go ask Andi."
So CHarrison goes to Andi and Andi is all like "wtf, no...I'm not even going to humor that idea."
Which, okay, OUCH to Other Chris. Guess you'll have to go home, sad, and alone, once again.





So that was all very odd, and quite frankly kind of annoying.

Bachelorette Andi, meanwhile, is in such heaven right now. She keeps saying how "awesome" all these guys are blah blah blah...
You know what Andi? We know. Most guys appear very "Awesome" when you first meet them and then a week later they're sending you dick pics on snapchat and expecting you to swoon.
Disgusting creatures.

Andi continues talking to the guys. We're introduced more to Farmer Chris from Iowa...very cute, APPROVE. We also learn more about Marcus, who was born in Europe (?!) and lives now in Texas, and is adorable so...APPROVE. Andi decides to give the FIR to Nick V with the hundreds of brothers and sisters. Nick is all "wh-wh-me? Really?"
Yeah, I didn't see it coming either bro.

GOD THESE GUYS ARE SWEATY...
sorry. I got distracted by the fluid...ick.



After the FIR, these men are wigging. One guy goes "It stings a little...not to be given the rose"
YEAH, REJECTION HURTS, DOENS'T IT ASS HOLE?
I am beginning to see that there is no middle ground with contestants on this show...they're either way too adorable or complete tools. I'm looking at you, Roided Macklemore.

Anyway...thank GOD, we're finally at the Rose Ceremony:
Bachelorette Andi starts by saying "thank you" and she's so flattered, blah, blah...and they're all just like "oooh my God, you're so perfect, you're so pretty, please pick me"
So she does...in this order:
1- JJ (pantsapreneur)
2- Eric (prince eric)
3- Marquel (cookie monster)
4- Craig (party animal)
5- Tasos (fohawk)
6- Josh (idk)
7- Bryan (teacher/bball coach)
8- Bradley (opera singer)
9- Marcus (shy)
10- Andrew (Patrick's boyfriend)
11- Ron (eyes intro your soul)
12- Carl (fireman)
13- Chris (farmer)
14- Dylan (hottie)
15- Brett (THE LAMP GUY?!)
16- Patrick (Andrew's boyfriend)
17- Cody (Macklemore)
18- Nick S. (golfer)

CHarrison is like "alright, you losers, say your goodbyes" so these bros awkwardly shake hands with some "friends" they've made before going over to Andi who has this fake sympathetic look on her face like "awwwe, I'm so sorry" with this sad face that is just so...eek.
Andi cuts out the attorney, the two Brad Pitt wannabees (Patrick asked "is there something I could've done differently? what did I do wrong?" to which I would have said "yes. you need to cut...your fucking hair), and some other guy named Josh who is apparently very emotional about it?
He has CLEARLY never been rejected by a woman before because he definitely doesn't take it well. He keeps saying how this is "complete bull shit" and how anyone would be lucky to have him...blah, blah..OKAY then go find 'anyone' and get off my TV screen you psycho.

My summation of episode 1:
Everyone she chose is hot, so there's no problem there (except maybe Bradley, who just scares me)

Top Picks for Andi as of today:
Tasos (that Paris lock thing was cute), Nick V (he got the FIR so..), Chris (sweet farmer guy), JJ (idk why tbh, but she seemed to enjoy him), Marcus (she clearly wants him), Carl (only because he's a firefighter)

Hottie of the Week:
Chris Harrison, obviously.



Andi saying "STAWP" count (because she says that way too much...which I can't judge her for since my catchphrase is "KBYE"):
4

_____________________________________________________________________________________


EPISODE 2:

Disclaimer: I had to switch over to my second bottle of wine for this one

Bachelorette Andi wakes up looking ***flawless. She claims that she loves this group because she feels like it's a great combo of "seriousness mixed with fun!"
We skip on over to the Bachelorette Mansion and I am perplexed to see that these guys have bunk beds. Have they always had bunk beds on this show and I'm just now noticing?



That house is gigantic! They really need a room filled with 6 beds each?
IDK about that.
Anyways, they bro out with some Bloody Mary's in the AM before CHarrison comes in like "Hey ya'll, Andi is amazing, Andi is amazing. I've been doing this a long time, too long...really, and I can honestly say Andi is the greatest, I love her."
Making it weird.
I can't help but wonder if these guys are going to get as excited for the date cards as the women do on The Bachelor. Answer: they don't really.
There isn't as much shrieking, but still way too much sweating for my liking.
CHarrison busts out the first date card and says to the men, "It all begins here boys"
Which sounds like the intro of a porno, maybe.
Not that I'd know.

Prince Eric gets the first date card. Bachelorette Andi rolls up in a convertible to pick him up looking fierce as ever, and ready to go. Tasos runs out and is all "OMG OMG she's here!" and half of the guys start taking their shirts off (not kidding)

"PLEASE LOOK AT ME, ANDI!"

Andi waves in a cool girl fashion and rides off into the sunset with Prince Eric.
Eric and Andi are driving along and the wind is literally whipping Andi's hair all over the damn place. She's like "shit, I knew I should've put my hair up today" and they're trying to have a conversation, in a convertible, on the highway. IDK if you've ever tried to do that...but it's not possible.

Andi is very pumped because Eric is so cultural. I am honestly just curious as to how one affords to be an "explorer" of the world. Not trying to sound like a pessimist, but really.
So anyways. They go to the beach, build a sandle castle (on top of some weird dome?) and fly a kite. It's basically the most G rated date ever.
Then, all of the sudden a helicopter shows up.
HOLY SHIT A HELICOPTER ON THE BACHELOR/ETTE?! WTF! THIS IS SO NEW AND EXCITING.
So they fly around L.A. for a while and then pop on over to Bear Mountain so they transition from the beach to the mountain snow within a half hour. If I were on this date, I'd already be getting some sort of cold from the shift in weather.
"Ah, this date is so crazy!" they both exclaim (repeat x35)
They throw some snowballs at each other awkwardly, but there is cute music playing, so you know what, fine, okay. I'll go with this!
Then they snowboard and the instructor has already gotten to first base with Andi and Prince Eric is going to need to catch up.
Eric is really proud of Andi though, for at least trying to snowboard (which she fails at miserably, because, like myself, she's not coordinated athletically)
Andi tells us that Eric is "very hot and good at everything" which sounds like a romance novel character...AMIRIGHT?
So they sit down for champagne and food and talk about life. She asks him about his travels and whatnot, and honestly, it's actually the most interesting one on one date I've seen on this show in a while. It's actually a pretty deep talk in which Eric opens up to her about his near-death experience in Syria. Scary stuff!
Andi ends the date giving him the rose, obviously, because he's a Disney prince!



Next is the group date, in which many men participate in that I'm not even going to try and name here. But most of them! Okay?
The date card reads "let's bare souls" aka Magic Mike aka alright ladies, let's get ready for this! (cue "Ladies Night") Who is ready to objectify some men tonight?

 

Our favorite drunk frat guy, Craig, is very excited, so excited that he claims to "love" Andi. It's a little soon to be dropping the "L" bomb, but I'm pretty sure he's been wasted since he stepped in the mansion..so IDK.
They're going to be stripping and performing a show, but IT'S FOR CHARITY so it's okay.
Sound familiar?

Honestly, like obviously I'm a heterosexual, red blooded, American woman who enjoys shirtless men...HOWEVER. If we are being real. Andi was so freaking uncomfortable (rightly so) last season when Ass Wipe Juan Pablo told her to take off her clothes for a charity photoshoot.
How is this any different??
She's making these guys do the same thing, except they have to dance in front of crowds of horny, middle aged women.
That's kind of dangerous IMO!
I mean, can you imagine if the roles were reversed? If a Bachelor asked the female contestants to dance in front of men half naked? NO WAY.
I mean, in this case, I kind of have to side against Andi here...a little shady/hypocritical IMO, but whatever.
It's for CHARITY.

OK enough of my rant. Bring on the abs.

Firefighter Carl gets put into the firefighter stripper brigade, and we all know he is going to get sooo much shit when he gets back to his firehouse back home. Sorry bout it, Carl.
Cody, aka Macklemore on Roids is pumped! (because let's be honest, he probably already does this for a living anyways)
America's favorite drunk frat guy, Craig is very fun...almost too much fun...like fun on an alarming level. Like can someone calm him down?
Golfer Nick is assigned to the "robot stripper"...which is actually very cute to me. I would marry him. Maybe now, if he asked nice enough.
Tasos is taking this very seriously and practicing his routine as if it's this grand thing.
Marcus also gets assigned to his own single dance, and he is probably the last person who would ever be good at that sort of thing because he's so quiet and shy. So idk what the fuck Andi was thinking here.



So the show is about to begin when Bachelorette Andi brings out her gal pals from last season, Dog Lover Kelly, and the Ever-Organic Sharleen. They sit together in the VIP section, getting bottle service from CHarrison.
The sexy cowboys come on first and lasso the ladies with ropes, which is, I guess an appealing thing?
Andi goes "check out the packages" to her friends (ooh you DIRTY BIRD!)
Sexy Robot aka Golfer Nick gets a little too sexy to the point where his ass has to be edited out of primetime television...abc, America's Family Network.
Dylan starts dancing on CHarrison, who is loving it, if we're being honest. (Also, who invited CHarrison?!)
Patrick comes out and is very attractive. Hubba hubba, heart eye emoji, heart eye emoji. But he is sad that his boyfriend, Andrew can't be there.
Despite my opinion that Andi was a hypocrite for making these guys strip, they are absolutely loving it/the attention.
The grand finale arrives and it's Marcus, of course. And he really shines. Like if this whole marriage to Andi thing doesn't work out, he'd make a great stripper.
Andi's summation of the night was: "Wow, some of them looked like they've worked it before!"
And they probably have Andi, they probably have.



After Magic Mike 2 premiered, the gang all went out for drinks in a penthouse (the usual) and Party Boy Craig is getting a littttttle too fratty.
Everyone is really shocked by this, but I mean, I was under the impression he has been drunk the past two episodes so...? I'm not sure what the issue is here.
Andi comes out in a stunning black dress looking like she is going to cast a spell on these gents.
She pulls Bryan (bball coach/teacher) aside and tells him how proud she is of him and how he really shined tonight...aka SHE THIRSTY.
Of course, her dream boat, Josh (former NBA player) takes her aside for his time and tells her how he hasn't been serious about a girl in five years. "YEAH I DON'T DATE 'EM, I ONLY FUCK 'EM!"
Like come on, dude. He makes it sound like he hasn't been with a woman in five years. I find that very very difficult to believe. You were celibate for 5 years? With that face and body?
ME THINKS THERE'S A LIAR HERE.
Bradley the Opera Star, wants his time in the spotlight, so he sings Andi a lovely song (snore) and she is just like "wow...awesome..."
Clearly, he's putting on all the tricks.
To make conversation, Andi tells Bradley that 'Phantom of the Opera' is her favorite opera, and Bradley totally freaks the fuck out. He jumps up, starts screaming at her angrily, telling her that that piece of shit production is a sorry excuse for opera.
lol. I'm totally kidding. That didn't happen.
But seriously, if you have any opera-singer friends, tell them your favorite is 'Phantom of the Opera' and see what happens.



Anyways.
Frat Guy Craig is getting a little schwasty, like every man on dollar beer night at the local bar. He's acting like a hot fucking mess. He wants to see Andi so badly, saying he loves her and shit.
It's getting obnoxious. Some of the guys are trying to calm him down, and he responds by drinking more I guess...and also jumping in the pool fully clothed.
Andi, meanwhile, hears some hoots and hollering...goes to investigate.
[cue commercial break...ps: Oikos, you're wrong. No one would ever break up with John Stamos. Poor marketing]
Craig is getting crazier, he even pushes Patrick (Andrew is like 'DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BOYFRIEND')
Andi is all "how did this happen? what is happening? what the hell is going on?" like she's never experienced a drunk man before in her entire life. She is so, so appalled by this behavior.
I guess she's never experienced a male having more than two fireball shots before.
PS Can we hook Craig up with that drunk girl from last season who jumped in the pool after the first group date?!?



Bachelorette Andi decides to give the rose to Marcus, for "being a good sport" and also because she LIKES DAT ASS.

Also, Marquel, the Cookie Man, is really upset that he didn't get his time with Andi tonight. :(

ON TO THE NEXT DATE.

Country Boy Chris from Iowa gets the second date. Bachelorette Andi decides to take Chris to the races, which neither of them have been to before.
"I'm definitely a city girl, but if Chris is what farmer boys look like, then I'm moving to the country." - Andi (me too)
Chris is so clearly already in love with Andi. He is seriously the most adorable creature. He keeps calling her his dream girl and--sorry I got distracted at this part because he took his shirt off.
Chris also seems like he miiiiight be the kind of guy who is waiting for sex till marriage (I doubt it), but you know, doesn't he??? It seems possible. He's just so freaking sweet.
While at the track, they start talking to this precious old couple who ask them how long they've been together (awkward)
Yeah, like we're supposed to believe the producers, once again, had nothing to do with this little encounter. Sure. Sure.
And I'm just saying, my grandma loves The Bachelor/ette and old people know this stuff. They live for this stuff.
But it was still cute, I'll give it that. They talk for a few minutes about love and life blah blah, and it's all very CUTE.
Andi then likens the men to horses, and I find that kind of disconcerting, but okay.
Chris tells her, "You're the one I was hoping for."
This guy is way too sweet though, and I am so done, and he is just...ahhh
He just makes me want to cry.



I was "awe"-ing so loudly in my living room that my dad had to come make sure I was okay at this part, BTW.
If Andi doesn't pick him then I will marry him. I will marry him right now.
TEAM IOWA.

They end the date with, of course, awkward private concert time!
And....and....
AND THIS SEASON'S FIRST KISS!! WOOO!
And he is the complete polar opposite of Juan Pablo, which makes me a happy camper.

Moving on.
We arrive at the cocktail party, pre-elimination.
The men are all sweating and rambling.
Again, so much sweat.
WHY ARE THEY SO SWEATY? IS IT 200 DEGREES THERE?
Craig tries to apologize for being a complete mess and sings Andi an adorable, yet pretty pathetic, song.

She laughs and claps, but we all know his ass is fried.

Rose Ceremony arrives, goes as follows:
1- Ron (?!)
2- Dylan (yay!)
3- JJ (pantsapreneur still going strong despite barely being in this week's episode)
4- Marquel (good God, that outfit..ick)
5- Andrew (of course they cut to his bromantic love interest, Patrick, looking nervous and sad)
6- Tasos (no surprise here)
7- Josh (former baller)
8- Cody (I'm gonna pop some tags, only got 20 dollas in my pocket)
9- Nick V. (FIR winner from last week)
10- Patrick (Andrew is like "whew!")
11- Bryan (teacher/bball player/all american stripper)
12- Brett (LAMP GUY AGAIN!? over the FIREFIGHTER?)
13- Bradley (What the fuck Andi?)

Sigh.
So she sends two of my early faves home already. Carl, the hot firefighter with the tattoos, and Golfer Nick aka Sexy Robot.
But she also sends Craig home, which had to happen, sorry.
She tells Craig "I have all the respect in the world for you" which is kind of odd considering she preceded that statement with "I couldn't get past it..." (aka his drunken shenanigans)
"I'll have to live with this mistake the rest of my life now," says Craig. OK CRAIG, CALM DOWN.

Top picks of the night/who I think will go far:
Farmer Chris for being the most adorable male specimen, Prince Eric the explorer for being beautiful, Former Baller Josh because he is obviously her dream boat and she is obviously very attracted to him, Nick V. for giving her that cute little date card despite not having a date at all with her, Dylan because I just think he's fucking sexy (although he is on the verge of needing a haircut..), Tasos still even though he seems a little spazzy I still think he's a romantic catch for her.

Winners of tonight:
Marcus- she clearly loves him
Bryan- for being a really good teacher, and also a really good stripper
CHarrison- for exsisting
Farmer Chris and Former Baller Josh- for getting the first kisses of the season

Losers of tonight:
Craig for looking like a manic drunk
Marquel for that horrific outfit
Whoever did the sock puppets at the cocktail party?!
Cody, for looking like Macklemore ate the Incredible Hulk
Me for drinking a bottle of wine

"STAWP" count:
9 (Andi, you're the one who needs to stawp apparently)



Hottie of the week:
Robot Stripper




Until next week y'all,

Kaitie
xo

PS Why is Andi dressed like an old lady in previews for next week?

Good night.

When Did I Get "Too Old For This Shit"?

Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since my last entry, but I am going to try to get back into this thing. Maybe...I mean, I am hoping this isn't one of those diary entries that everyone always made like: "Jan. 2: I'm going to start writing in this from now on, I swear! OMG MY PARENTS ARE THE WORST..." then the entire notebook is blank after.

I just want to talk about a few things today, a few thoughts that sprung from my recent social outing in which I attended The 1975's outdoor concert. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into.
Calling these young girls "raging, viscious, psychopaths" would be putting it lightly.



Let me paint this picture for you.
We get there a few hours early to wait in line in order to get into the mosh pit...okay, fine. But then, there are literally hundreds of other girls waiting in line...girls that should probably be in algebra class. Whatever, I won't be calling your truancy officer or anything, I'm just concerned that your parents are letting you skip school to stand in line for a concert.
So moving on...
We finally get inside and the pit is seemingly, you know, okay...nothing too crazy. Girls are standing there, ready to dance and sing, blah blah.
But then the concert starts.
You don't know violence until you've seen a bunch of 14-19 year old girls vying for the attention of a young British rock star. I was pushed, pulled, molested, attacked, and every side of my body was crammed. I couldn't even move my hand without getting some girl's fake red hair stuck in my fingers.
I understand how mosh pits work, but I suppose I didn't understand how teenage girl mosh pits work. I was afraid for my life.
Girls started throwing their training bra's on stage. One girl, who was probably 15, had a sign that said: "Fuck Me Matty, Please!" (at least she was polite..?)
HONEY, FIND JESUS.
I'm too old for this shit.

When I was that age, I was terrified of sex and was convinced that if a penis came anywhere near me that I would become pregnant and have syphilis for the rest of my life (I watched a lot of Lifetime when I was younger, I also went to Catholic school for 8 years..)

If you tried to move up at all in the mosh pit, you better believe a teenage girl would turn to you and yell "you're a fucking bitch!" then claw you.

Me:


Also, when we started singing City High's 'What Would You Do' no one around us knew what we were singing. Seriously? Was that song before your time or something? That is the best song of our generation (okay not really..but..) How dare you.
I'm too old for this shit


I understand there's a lot of estrogen and hormones floating about, but good God, I just wasn't prepared. Then after the concert, these girls were waiting out by the band's tour bus for hours...hours. I know, because after we left to go get food and drinks at the bar two blocks away, we walked back and they were still there....waiting. At 2 am.
One girl says "I don't even care. My parents are here to pick us up, and we have school in five hours, but I am going to meet Matty."
Clearly, she was not going to meet Matty, and clearly her parents are the worst for encouraging this behavior.


Anyway, after that night, I realized that I really am just too old for this shit.
Being on the brink of 23, I didn't think I could feel old so soon...but I go to the bars now and see these girls, younger than me, dancing on the bar top, taking shots from strangers, letting older, creepy guys grab their ass just to get them to buy them a drink...and it makes me ill.
I'm wayyy too old for that shit.




And I consider myself pretty 'in touch' with the popular happenings of the world. And I'm not trying to turn this into a mommy blog or something, but I'm sorry that I didn't know what 'bae' actually meant, and I'm sorry that I didn't know crop tops were back in, and I'm sorry that I didn't know subtweeting was the new way to attack a friend.
I'm too old. For this shit.

I just feel like teenagers have always been crazy little creatures. I know I was. But I feel like the worst things me and my friends did is now the normal thing that some young ones do. I can't even handle that stuff now.

I could never walk to a bar in stiletto's and a mini-skirt in rainy, cold weather. Maybe there was a time that I could, but now I can't. When there are women my age who do this regularly, I just don't know, I guess I get confused. Aren't you embarassed?

I believe that anyone should wear anything they want, FINE. But are you really trying to tell me you feel comfortable and 'yourself' in those cheetah print mini shorts and sparkled bra--I mean crop top?

If so, then okay. Great.
I'm just personally too old for that shit.

If a bar has more than 25 people at it, I want to turn around and go home, drink alone, and watch Netflix. Unless I am in the mood to deal with the crowds (which is rare)
I'm sorry that I do not want to fight my way through the three layer crowd surrounding the bar to spend $9 on a drink that will give me a dixie cup sized amount of actual alcohol and the rest ice.
I'm too old for this shit.



I go to Taco Bell after the bar and there is a line of drunk ass holes demanding chicken nuggets and dumping Fire sauce in their mouth...
Too old. For Fire sauce.

When no one wants to pay for a cab so all 11 of us have to pile in one sober person's Ford Focus..
I'm too old, man.

Spending a drunken night at a friend's apartment where I have to sleep on the floor without a pillow.
TOO OLD. FOR THAT.

The next time I will HAVE to clean up anyone else's puke aside from my own will be when I have small children. I am no longer cleaning up your puke.
Because guess the fuck what? I'm too old for this shit.



In conclusion, there are so many instances in every day life in which I say "oh dear, I am too old for this shit." I look at people younger than me, having what they consider fun and doing whatever it is they do, and I get nervous...but ultimately, at the end of the day, it's their life. We've all been there, we've all done weird shit that made no sense like stand in a crowd of horny teenagers at a concert, hoping to God we don't get killed or wear 6 inch heels when we very well knew that the walk to the bar was over two miles.

So live your life kids. Do what you want to do. But this is my declaration that I'll be in my yoga pants, in the corner, drinking a beer, ready for a nap, and wondering what the hell your parents were thinking.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

PS: I would like to say that not all teenage girls are completely awful. I have a teenage sister who is pretty cool, at least when she is not making fun of me for not knowing what 'bae' means.