Let's cut the crap, and get to it.
This week we're in Venice, and we are not messing around.
The gents show up on some speed boat, ready for the party, in various scarves.
Cody is determined to get the one-on-one this week and I cannot believe we're still taking him seriously.
Andi is "so excited" to be here and it is "so romantic" and "unbelievable."
Music gets serious, no date card, Andi is calling the shots right to your face, right now...THIS INSTANT. Cody gets DENIED and she gives the first one-on-one to Average Guy Nick V. Eugh.
Cody is verrrrry upset as he is the only one who hasn't gotten a one-on-one thusfar. I don't really blame him. He says he feels as if he is the pet dog of the group, and drug along. Well, if the shoe fits...
Awe, no Cody, I'm only kidding.
But at least the hotel is absolutely gorgeous. The travel and nice hotels are the only reason I would go on this show. That, and the dozens of bulky men vying for my love and attention.
Anyways. On to Nick.
They walk around Venice together and feed pigeons and stuff.
Bachelorette Andi claims she is taking Nick on the date only because she needs "some questions answered" because she heard about the shit he is stirring in the house. But what does she actually think Nick is going to say? We all know he's only going to feed her the bull shit she wants to hear. He's had time to think about it...so...I don't know what she's trying to do here?
Apparently Andi still really likes how "upfront" he is with her and decides to forgive him of being a complete douchebag.
So they're on this gondala and Andi is thirsty for a kiss, which obviously he gives to her under some good luck bridge or something, and she feels "absolutely resolved" yet directly follows that statement with "I have so many questions I need answered from Nick."
Okay, honey, that means things aren't absolutely resolved. Just letting you know. You don't have to talk just to make sound.
OH MY GOD if she says "romantic" or "unbelievable" or "I definitely still have questions that need to be answered" one more FUCKING TIME...
Andi straight up asks him if he thinks he is a front runner. Nick responds, in more words, yes.
Nick tells her that he can "confidently say" that he is falling in love with her.
Of course, Nick finds some nerdy euphamism for the masks they wear to the "masquerade" ballroom...(rolls eyes emoji) says he is unmasking his true feelings to Andi blah blah blah
#vomit
Before the group date can take place Bachelorette Andi gets her third secret love letter (I only remember one other one? Maybe I'm wrong) from the SA. Who we all know is most likely Needy Marcus.
So the boys show up, looking good. PS JJ, you're looking very good. Even in weird pants, I'd do you.
They do what every normal group of American, red blooded men, enjoy doing and go watch a creepy puppet show? Along with dozens of Italian children.
Next, they go into some torture chamber. Which doesn't sound romantic, but it sure is sexy. *WINK*
Andi brings in some mobsters to do a lie detector test.
SEXY!!!
Farmer Chris says he has a secret he needs to tell her.
#IAmNervous because #ILoveChris because #TEAMIOWA
Josh is prettttty nervous/sweaty about this test. I'm pretty sure, for some reason, Andi really doesn't trust him. So maybe this is the reason he is so nervous. I don't blame her for not trusting him. There is no WAY THAT GUY HASN'T HAD SEX IN FIVE YEARS.
"Are you here for the right reasons?"
"Do you prefer blondes over brunettes?"
"Have you slept with more than 20 women?" (Dylan says 'yes'...WHAT?!)
ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS
Dylan goes home because he feels "sicky"
Which means he knows he lost the lie detector test game.
ATTENTION ATTENTION FARMER CHRIS IT THE SA!!!!
OMG YOU BEAUTIFUL, CUTE, ADORABLE MAN!
I love him. I love him. Yes, I do. I am so glad it's not Marcus. AHHHH. This is the best possible outcome!
As we learn this, I am totally freaking out and my dad walks in, thinking there is something wrong.
When I tell my dad that my favorite guy is the one who has been writing Andi love notes he just dead pans me "how romantic" then proceeds to ask me if these men "have any testicles."
My father also continues to make fun of Andi, saying she is obsessed with trust even though she is the one making out with different guys every hour.
"Trust in trust, and trust is everything to me. Trust is trust, this is a world of trust. I want to trust."
Alright, thanks for the input dad.
I can never watch this show in his presence ever again.
Wait, so Andi doesn't even want to look at the results?! She just ripped them up???
WHAT?!
That's some bull shit.
So you make these guys sweat it out?
I would at least keep them to read for later in the bubble bath back at the hotel or something!!! Come on, Andi!!!!
What a spoilsport.
At the cocktail party, Basketball Brian pulls Andi aside first and gives her his own little adorable lie detector test. It's all very cute and kind of pointless.
Marcus takes her aside next and says he doesn't know how to handle the other guys there, sounding like a fucking murderer. Like he might kill them all to eliminate the competition. Marcus tells her he is in love with her, again. EUGH. Tells her that he thought about leaving because he "can't handle it" but that "she was worth staying." How nice.
Meanwhile, Josh, JJ, and Chris are talking about the secret admirer. JJ and Josh are totally shit talking the guy, while Chris is just kind of like laughing and nodding...CLEARLY THE SA. Like, we should've all seen this before.
Josh and Andi have their time together. Josh informs her that he didn't like or appreciate the lie detector thing because of how important trust is. He feels like she was targeting him with the test, I guess. Andi acts blindsided, doesn't understand why he is so upset about the lie detector test. Because if the roles were reversed, she'd be totally fine with someone LD testing her...
yeah.
PS Josh, I don't KNOW about that scarf right now, bro. Meaning, I hate that I love it.
Andi starts crying for no reason, typical.
Chris takes Andi aside and acts all nervous and cute as he admits he is indeed the one who is the secret admirer. She says "I KNEW IT!" but like, I don't think she did. I think we all honestly thought it was Marcus. Even her.
She gives the date rose to Chris for being AMAZING.
Andi then peaces out because she's very tired from all the stress.
Yet, all the guys stay? I didn't know they stayed after..?
JJ says that he is not actually happy for Chris getting the rose, and that this is a competition and how this needs to be more serious. WOMP WOMP.
looks like someone has been drinking a little too much champagne....
Brian is like "can't we all just get along and just focus on Andi?" and JJ shoots him down.
Chris steps up to plate and tells JJ to stop being such a whiney, competitive little bitch.
AND I LOVE IT.
Chris and Brian win, always.
Next we travel to the beautiful Verona with Bachelorette Andi (who is soooo drained from last night's group date #sorryforyou) and Cody.
Andi says she has been waiting to take Cody on a date basically because she doesn't take him seriously, but in nicer words.
Cody is very verrrryyy pumped to be there.
They go to visit Juliet's courtyard, and of course, Cody takes the opportunity to act out a scene of Romeo and Juliet...well, sort of, in very modern language.
They go to answer some letters from hopeless romantics around the world written to Juliet. Which is actually really, really cute to me.
Too bad I can't stop thinking about that terrible Amanda Seyfried movie about this...
Cody steps up today and I feel pretty bad about calling him Roided Macklemore all those times.
Well, only a little bad.
Although Cody decides to use the 'underdog' angle, which you know is BS because he definitely beat up kids on his bus back in the day.
What I proclaim "the season of letters" continues at dinner when Cody writes Andi a letter. Which is actually pretty cute.
Andi ruins it by being obnoxious and going "Awwwwwe!" really loud.
And then.......
Cody goes a little too far/gets a little too emotional opening up way too much saying he wants to grab her and hold her and roll around with her and meet her family. He says he wants her to get to know him because he knows she will fall in love with him. Blah blah.
Cody comes off too strong, as usual.
Andi can't handle it, starts bawling, and tells him she can't continue with this charade.
So she sends him home. No rose for Macklemore :(
The ceiling did hold him.
It's kind of a bummer considering how absolutely pumped he was for his one-on-one, but he put himself out way too much, IMO.
Cocktail party/Rose Ceremony time. LEGGO.
The second Andi walks in, Nick walks up to her, handing her a drink, ready to go. Even though he already has a rose.
"That's a man right there!" she says, all horned up. Yet if some girl did that on her season she'd be PISSED.
The boys are like "hell no, Dylan, go get her!" Dylan? YOU GO.
Then they confront Nick about what a douche he is.
Everyone takes a turn kissing Andi.
Brian reads her a poem he wrote (IN A LETTER), which he ripped off of Ten Things I Hate About You, by the way.
Josh finally gets his time and Andi says she "Didn't like" how their last conversation went.
Apparently, it all had to be sappy sunshine and daisies with her. But not too much, or you'll be hitting the road like Cody.
CHarrison makes his first appearance in Venice! Hey man!
"Did you have a good week?" he asks
"Ummm. I had an OKAY week," she replies.
Once again, Andi cannot count her blessings. She's in this gorgeous city, gorgeous country that's so "unbelievable" and "romantic" but it still isn't good enough for our Andi. She is so "tired" and "exhausted" of all of this! You guys, she is "trying so hard!!!"
Poor, poor baby.
Enough talking. Shut up Andi.
Time for some motherfucking roses.
(ps I am calling it now, she is giving Josh the last rose to keep him on his toes tonight. We'll see if I'm right.)
Here we go:
(Andi continues to talk more...talking about the questions she needs answered again...does anything ever get resolved with her?)
1- Dylan (he looks as surprised as we all are that he got the first rose, nympho)
2- Basketball Brian
3- Needy Marcus
4- Josh (CALLED IT)
Thus, she sends an emotional JJ home, back to make his pants. JJ takes a moment to say goodbye to his bro's that he claims to hate. She takes him outside to awkwardly break up with him. He says, in the car of rejection, how he has never been in love before. Which is actually pretty sad.
NEXT WEEK....BRUSSELS! Brussels? Nick being a douchebag! Again!
Winners of the week:
Farmer Chris for being a stand up guy and coming out as the SA. Basketball Brian for being cheesy yet cute. The lie detector test guys for leaving the guns and taking the cannoli. Dylan for sleeping with more than 20 women.
Losers of the week:
Josh for having actual concerns. JJ for getting too whiney. Cody for getting too crazy.
Hottie of the week:
I'm giving this W to Josh for being the only one to look remotely okay in the douche scarf.
STAWWWWP Count:
None that I know of, but can we do a "some questions I need answered" option instead, because if so, she said that about 11 times.
Until next week,
Kaitie
xo
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