Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 9

Hey peeps! Sorry there was no blog last week. Life's been weird.

But I did finally watch the absolutely useless episode in which we sat through four boring hometowns only for it to not even end with JoJo sending anyone home.



We begin this week's episode where last week's left off.

Who will JoJo send home?
Luke? Jordan? Robby? Chase?

They all look the same!!! I don't even know who is who anymore.

Then men are all very disturbed as Luke pulled her aside right before she started the rose ceremony to tell her he loves her. They thought he might have been going home. NOW IT'S ANYONE'S GAME.

Jordan gets the first rose.
No shock there.
He'll probably win. I don't even know how or why it matters anymore.

Robby gets the second rose. So she still has no problem with the fact that he's only been single three months. Very well.

The third and final rose.........
Who will it be?

the stress.

Chase is given the final rose, thus sending MY LOVE Luke home.
I can't say I'm not surprised that she saved Chase over Luke. Luke - who has been a front runner since the beginning, is going home over Chase who just recently learned how to formulate sentences.



It is very clear that everyone is in shock - especially Luke. JoJo doesn't even know what to say. Luke is super confused, and clearly just wants to get the hell out of there but JoJo just keeps trying to explain herself through sobs, "It's not that, I don't know what I want, I'm sorry, I'm going to miss you" she keeps saying.
OK...?

I'm mad.
Luke is LOVELY, and an American Hero and I AM SAD YOU GUYS.

Also, this is the most dramatic exit I've ever seen in Bachelor/ette history. So many lingering looks, so many tears, so much confusion. Mostly on my part, I guess.

"What if that was a mistake?" she asks the camera, and us I suppose. "I miss him!"





THEN WHY DID YOU SEND HIM HOME, YOU LUNATIC.

Suddenly, as if no time has passed, after a nice little commercial break we are amazingly in Thailand.
"It feels amazing to be here!" JoJo says happily, like she wasn't just sobbing two moments ago.

Wait, is this fantasy suite week???



"I'm hoping this week brings me clarity..." AND DICK.

She kicks it off with Robby, her sex partner.
"I've been completely honest with you since day one," says no honest guy ever, but whatever Robby.

Ugh, these last few episodes are sooo boring.
They have to pretend to be in love for real now and it's just all the same. We the viewers have to watch the same thing repeatedly for two hours.

JoJo reminds us that this time last season, she was with Ben and told him that he loved her...and he said it back. #Ridiculous
She knows what this date means.
Aside from the sex...there's also the whole 'time alone with no cameras' thing.

Robby pulls out a sweet note his dad apparently wrote for him during hometowns when he was downtrodden about JoJo finding out about his ex-girlfriend. "I want you to keep this," Robby tells JoJo in regards to the note, "just in case you forget."
and also so now you must feel bad if you want to send me home because now my fucking father is involved.




She offers him the fantasy suite date card signed from Papi H. Of course he says yes. These two have been wanting to get it on since day 1.

Robby just keeps saying, "you know how I feel about you."

Whatever, Robby.

Has anyone ever said 'no' to the fantasy date?
LOL



We move on to Jordan's date. JoJo takes Jordan on a hike. Ew.

They finally make it to the top and there's some creepy cave that they probably shouldn't be in.
The cave leads them to a temple in the middle of a cavern which is actually very cool. J informs us that they are not allowed to kiss in said temple. I wonder if they will break this rule?

They talk about their families, etc.
boring stuff.

"My brothers are super protective," she tells him. Yes. We remember from last season.

"Is this guy too good to be true?" JoJo asks.

The answer is YES.



JoJo begins to confront her fears about a relationship with Jordan YET AGAIN.
Same shit, different day.
She seems to give Jordan more crap for everything he says even though he says the same thing as all the other guys. Like, the producers are really trying to play the "overcoming hardship" angle with Jordan and JoJo.

I'm so over it.

"How do you know you love me?" she asks.
"Uh...I'm a better person with you? I feel different when I'm with you? I like who I am with you?"

Jordan just keeps trying any phrase that will work.

JoJo buys it and pulls out the fantasy suite invite from Papi H, who has literally become a pimp.
Jordan accepts. Because obviously.



JoJo shares with us what we already have known all along: that she is in love with Jordan.

Sorry JoJo, but no one is surprised.

"Waking up this morning I just had a smile on my face...." Jordan grins...."and a boner"

In a sick twist of fate, JoJo admits to us that she is in love with two people. I assume Robby and Jordan?

But she's just not sure.



Chase rolls up, ready for his date, in some moped that the producers surely gave him to make him seem more quirky and interesting.

I definitely think Chase had a few shots before this date because he's acting a little off the wall.

Playing with dead fish and shit.
no thanks

Chase is still the only one left pulling off that hairstyle, and I will stand by that.

Would prefer if he stopped talking about fish though.

As JoJo is preparing for her evening date with Chase, she hears a knock on the door, and it's...Robby? They make you think it's going to be Chase finally telling J he loves her.



JoJo is ridiculously surprised to the point where I am annoyed.

"I keep thinking of you, non-stop...I keep thinking of you, dreaming of you..."

OK Robby, stop creeping me out.

He leaves after professing his love...again. Jojo is very conflicted.

Chase and J head to their dinner and Chase is wearing a very weird see-through shirt that I'm not in love with. He tells JoJo that he is 100% in love with her, and that he is ready to carry the burden of that phrase for her. Cheeeeesy.

It's clear that JoJo is not feeeeeeeeeelin it.

She goes, "um can you hold on one minute I'll be right back."

And leaves.

What the hell, JoJo??



He's out of here, y'all.

"When you said that to me what I thought I would feel I didn't," she stutters, "I don't know if I'm in the same place as you."

what happened?
They had a great date together, I thought??

"I don't think spending this night together would be fair to you," she says.

"Uh, okay."



Chase is not pleased. I don't blame him. He just professed his love for her and this is how she responds??? How rude!

I mean I guess it's good she's being honest. But what is honesty really in terms of this show?

She has no idea what to say.
"Just stop," he sighs.
"Talk to me!" she cries.
"WHY?" he asked. "What do you want me to say? That was so terrifying of me to say."

I don't blame him at all. He has a right to be mad. She's been asking him to share his feelings and be more open and basically forced him to say he loves her. When he finally does she rejects him. Like, why pressure him so much if you're just going to turn him away?

This is sick.

Then she goes, "If we met outside of this and I didn't have any other relationships to compare it to you, I would be so happy and so lucky."

what?



Just stop.
you're making this worse, J.

I mean I get that she wants to be honest about her feelings, I do. I get her wanting to be fair to him, but it just sucks she made him jump through so many hoops.

Chase clearly doesn't handle rejection well. He is angry and upset. He doesn't cry though. Chad would be proud.

I don't get how JoJo can be so fucking upset and then bright and chipper the next day at the rose ceremony.

"I just feel really confident about these relationships that we have left."

Really?
Because Jordan and Robby are DOUCHEBAGS.

AND THEIR HAIR BOTHERS ME OK I SAID IT

AND I CAN NO LONGER TELL THEM APART.

And they're BOTH former pro athletes. Will that provide them for the rest of time? I'm confused. What kind of life will they live with JoJo?

During the rose ceremony, J begins telling Jordan and Robby how terrible she feels about sending Chase home and just as she is saying this, Chase conveniently STROLLS IN.



Chase pulls her away, "Can I talk you for a sec?"

dramatic music swells.

He's already gone.
She's not bringing him back. Everyone calm down.

He actually has a job so she's NOT interested.

Chase comes back to apologize for the way he behaved. He didn't want to end things that way.

OK Chase. You're not a great and interesting guy all of the sudden. You're not going to be the next bachelor....

I mean you're nice and all but I can't with him for a whole season.

TEAM CHAD4THEBACHELOR2016

He says she is great and knows she will make the right decision, blah, blah bull shit.

"When did falling in love get so HARD?" JoJo cries.

oh PLEASE bitch.



"It's so hard being in love with two men!"

LOL ok like the love I feel for both Jon Snow and Robb Stark?

And they're brothers.

*spoiler alert*

well not really.

I feel so bad for JoJo. Life's rough, man.



Well. I may or may not write tomorrow for the men tell all. I'm prepared to throw down for Chad.
If need be.

I just can't watch JoJo cry one more time. Not because I feel bad for her but I feel like Kourtney does towards Kim.



Until then,

Kaitie

xo

Betchy Bacehlorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 7

Hey everyone! Damn, we have been apart far too long you guys.



Let's get right to it.

Bachelorette JoJo is reeling from her "very tough" week last week in which she did not send Alex or James Taylor home despite probably WANTING to send them both home. I mean, come on. There's no way either of them are winning this thing.

Papi H walks in to greet the guys in their Argentinian hotel room, looking casual in a sweater. He informs them there will be three one-on-ones, and a group date. No more date roses though (except for the group date rose - confusing).



This week is a big deal, apparently, because after this, it's HOMETOWN dates.

The first date card goes to Alex who hasn't had much play time since his two-on-one hero date with Chad a few weeks back. The other guys are relieved that Alex will now SHUT THE FUCK UP about having his one-on-one time with JoJo. Like the rest of them haven't been complaining about anything at all...

They out into the countryside together. It's....not great you guys. They are a little awkward together.

Meanwhile, the others get on their bus to the next location. This is the season of songwriters, apparently. They decide to freestyle rap about Alex's date and it's kind of funny because they drag him pretty hard for being short.

Alex, also, decides to freestyle to JoJo. This must be a hobby within the house.

They seem to be driving for a very long time, and not talking at all. So that's promising.



They finally arrive at an authentic Argentinian ranch where they will be gauchos. NOW I know where the pant style comes from. You guys, The Bachelor/ette has finally taught me a useful lesson. This is very exciting. Alex is really hoping that J feels the way about him the way he feels for her (?) Not really sure how he feels about her as they've barely talked aside from him complaining about Chad.

Speaking of Chad. Everyone follow his snapchat immediately. I think his name is ChadJohnson.

So Alex walks out in his gaucho attire. I don't know why he has to wear this little beret/hat thing yet JoJo doesn't have to. I definitely think she should be wearing the weird hat, too.

Meanwhile, the guys are enjoying their bro-date. I think they should start a boy-band. They spend the time talking about JoJo/Alex and eating questionable meat. Cool. Goodtimes.



Are we supposed to take Alex seriously with that hat?

They watch a gaucho seduce its horse. It's more romantic than any sort of chemistry between JoJo and Alex, that's for sure. Never underestimate a man's love for his horse. This is both sexyyyyyy and creeeeppppy.

Apparently, Alex is a horse whisperer and this turns JoJo on. so now there is chemistry between them, I guess!

I feel like allllll of Alex's clothes are just A LITTLE TOO TIGHT. I mean, I'm not complaining, but good Lord in heaven. He may pop out at any minute.

Meanwhile, the next date card is delivered to the Bachelorette Boys. Jordan gets YET ANOTHER one-on-one date. It's only his second but seems like his thirteenth. He needs to cut his FUCKING hair.
ok.
I'm sorry.

I know you guys all like his hair.



Alex tells JoJo, back during their cocktail hour, that he is fallen for her....and that he fell in love with her the moment he first saw her.
WHAT?!
Also, what lip stick does JoJo wear because she licks her lips CONSTANTLY and it still looks great. Wonder if it's Kylie's lip kit...

She looks super hesitant as to what to say next.
I do feel like Alex may murder her if she sends him home.

Oh. dear.
She just did.

She tries to explain the reasoning as to why she is NOT vibing.
He's clearly pissed off. She walks him out and it's the longest walk ever. Will Alex cry?
J is like, "I have no idea how to do this!"
WELL COME ON. I mean, you had to think about sending people home. It's not all roses and wine, betches. THERE IS HEARTBREAK HERE.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!" she claims.
Hey, don't worry about it. No one knows what the fuck they're doing.
You'd have to be a sociopath to be "good" at this show.

Alex barely says a word, doesn't look her in the eye (very mature), and DOESN'T cry. The producers are probably pissed off - he refuses to talk at all. No sappy outro speech for Alex.



Alex was good-looking, a little dramatic, and definitely not useful to the show. Sorry. I said it.
I just feel bad he had to endure a long day in that ridiculously beautiful beret for NOTHING.

Now it's Jordan's turn to shine. Ah, the framing of their "overcoming all odds" relationship trope continue. I wonder what kind of shit from his past JoJo will bring up with him on this date.

In comparison to their long ass ride in a Jeep through the country, J takes Jordan in a private jet. She takes him to a vineyard where they're going to get wasted AF. But first, they must crush the grapes with their nasty feet after hiking through the vineyard. Yum.

"That feels kind of good!" Jordan says. The FREAK.

So as if this wasn't gross enough they reach their wine glasses into the barrels and scoop out some foot juice - then they fucking DRINK IT LIKE THE SICK FREAKS THEY ARE.

OH  BUT WAIT.

There's a strategically placed hot-tub to bop on in to.
Nice.



Meanwhile, the guys back at the hotel talk mad smack about Jordan using his brother's fame to win JoJo's heart. So this means A- they're petty AF B- they're fake because they suck up to Jordan and C- they're insulting JoJo's character and intelligence.
So that's fucking shitty.

"When she looks at him, does she see a husband, or box seats at a football game?"

oh cut the dramatics.

No but really though.
A girl's gotta get her season tickets somehow.

The date card arrives and Chase, James, and Robby are going on the group date.
SERIOUSLY all of these guys look the same LMAO.

I usually am so good with names, but they keep confusing me. Same haircut, same facial hair, same whiney voices. Also, I've had a lot of pino grigio.

"So...who am I going to meeting on your hometown?" JoJo asks, stars in her eyes, hoping that he'll say Aaron, of course. He says everyone but, and tells her Aaron won't be there. He proceeds to tell her that he's not close with Aaron and they've chosen very different paths in life. Jordan has decided to remain close to home/his family.

aka he wasn't as good of a football player as Aaron.

Also, way to drag your brother into the street for all to see ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, Jordan. Damn, that was the only reason JoJo was going to marry you! Now what?!

Talking mad shit.

He says he doesn't even think Aaron knows that Jordan is doing this show.
LOL

So much for those box seats.
Drank his foot juice for nothing.



BUT WAIT
Then he tells her "I am so in love with you"

REALLY?

She responds by making out with him.
To us, she says, "I feel love...I mean, I feel really loved."

OH GOD. She can't even hide the fact that she so clearly loves Jordan. This show is a bore y'all. Throw it in now. Jordan will win this show.

I'm willing to put $50 and my last bottle of wine on that.

Moving on.

Group date time.
The date gets rained out. BOOOOOOOOOO this FUCKING SUCKS.
They're just hanging out in a hotel.
You're trying to tell me they couldn't post-pone ONE DAY?
So instead, JoJo has them all hanging out in her suite where she orders shitty room service food. James Taylor bets the others he can eat the most food of all of them. No one doubts him. But he continues with the play anyway. JoJo dares him to shove as many french fries in his mouth as possible. And it's way too much/really disgusting. Dare I say, grosser than foot/wine juice.

JoJo get on a bit of a power trip, demanding the men massage one another, and then they play charades. She then dares Robby to strip to his underwear and run down the hallway of this 5 star hotel. He looks...very nice. I daresay....in those Calvins.

Also, how DRUNK are they?

When does the orgy begin?



James Taylor decides that Robby is getting too much attention and it's time to end that. So he tells JoJo that Robby was checking out other girls outside of the hotel. Right there. In front of everyone. Well then!

The orgy begins with a little spooning on the bed with J and her three guys, watching the Bachelor: Brazil edition. So meta.

James won't stop with the "Wandering Eye Robby" and it's clearly bugging Drunk Robby. Chase is like, "What's happening?" very confused.

Also, stop all laying on the bed together.
This makes me uncomfortable.
If this were a bachelor with three women - can you even imagine?

I feel like I'm intruding.



Can we just send James Taylor home?

I'm sick of his mansplaining and bitchiness.

Robby and JoJo take some one-on-one time together. Robby talks about his ex - who he SURPRISE just broke up with before the show...........
JoJo is uneasy about this.
Understandably so.
Although she is dating four other guys...so..



Robby drunkenly assures her that he is in this for her, for love, for THE WIN. I mean, the guy in an Olympian. He wants to win.

J takes some time with Chase. How is he still here?
I mean, he's a nice guy. But super neutral. Hey, maybe he's the dark horse. Maybe he'll win?
Can you imagine?

I am always surprised when he gets a full sentence out.

That's bitchy of me, but whatever.



James takes his time with J to talk about their connection. JoJo tries to ask him about hometowns/his family, and he changes the subject...yet again comparing himself to the other guys in the house. "I feel like you have a more physical relationship with them...and our relationship is more...sweet"
Yet again, playing the nice guy angle.
I literally can't.
So what, is he asking her to put out now?
JoJo reassures him that he's a good man/gives him the validation that his sensitive ass needs.

She tells him that she can see him being her husband.
Which is unfortunate because he definitely isn't winning.

It's either him or Chase going home this week y'all.

"I am...very much in the process of falling for you," James says.
LOL
How romantic.



The three men get into a...riveting...conversation about who the "front-runner" is. James says he thinks Luke and Jordan are. This pisses Robby off, in particular. Robby's shirt is ridiculous. Can he please button it at some point? Once again, Chase is just sitting there, trying to comprehend it all.

JoJo is ready to give out the date rose, the only safety rose of the week - and gives it to Robby. Which means she is ready to meet his family, for sure. I guess he was right about being the "front runner" (at least amongst this group). They're all so wasted.

J tells the other two "ok you've got to go now...byyyyyyeeeee"
James spills his drink on the way out whilst hugging her. Awkward.

Ten bucks Robby and JoJo FUCK tonight.

I'm sorry James just bugs me with his whole "nice guy", "kicked puppy" act. Guys like this are so good at making women fall for them out of pity/feel guilty when they don't feel anything back for the guy. Like stop being so self-loathing and "woe-is-me."

I don't feel sorry for him.
And if you do, DON'T.

He put himself in this situation on this reality shwo, and positioned himself as the self-proclaimed nice guy. I don't doubt he's a nice guy, but he needs to cut it out with the cry-baby routine.

I won't be sad if he goes, that's for sure.
Go find a nice girl who is willing to listen to your shit.



(not that I think Robby is a great guy/picture of perfection, let me just say that FYI)

oh god. Do I sound like Chad?

Time for Luke and JoJo's date. She takes him to a horse barn. So they're going to do some riding/playing with horses. Also, his shirt is a little too unbuttoned too.

Also, is he drunk?

Are they always DRUNK?

I'M SORRY BUT I SHIP THEM.
Every time they are together it's just perfect.

If she doesn't pick him to win I'll be sad.

Also, what the hell with the two horse dates?
That seems like a lot to me.



Luke returns from the date. The men are surprised at how short his date was? Luke is like, "uh well I think we're going straight into the rose ceremony."

THE MEN FREAK OUT.

"If JoJo sends me home...it would just be...catastrophic," Chase says.
Whoa, big word.
Also, cut it with the dramatics, dude. This isn't Pompeii.

The Rose Ceremony gets started.
JoJo reminds them that this is hard for her.
Remember, Robby is safely with a rose.
Let's get to it.

1- Luke
2- Jordan
oh, surprise surprise...it's between James and Chase.
3- Chase

Thus, sending dear old James Taylor home.
Not THE James Taylor, but A James Taylor.

Jim says bye to his bros.
J walks him out and they sit to talk for a second.
They have a very tearful goodbye.

HE'LL BE FINE YOU GUYS.

Meanwhile, back inside Chase JUST realized he got a rose.





WELL guys. We have our final four!
Luke, Jordan, Robby, and Chase(?!)



Next week is hometowns and it's going to be a wild ride.

Until then,

Kaitie
xo

Betchy Bachelorette Monday: Bachelorette JoJo Week 4 and 5

Hey y'all! Sorry for the delay. I've had a busy few weeks. Believe it or not, I do not live to write and obsess over the Bachelorette.



Just kidding. I do.

Will we finally see the Chad saga come to an end...?

Let's start with last week's episode. I will try to keep this brief since you all are way ahead of me here.

We leave off after the God-Awful two-on-one with Chad and Alex. The guys are chilling in their backwoods mansion. They celebrate his demise by taking a bunch of protein powder and sprinkling it throughout the wind. That's not me being sarcastic...that actually happened.

Meanwhile, Chad's making his way downtown, walking fast, faces past, and he's homebound...



JUST KIDDING...he's knocking on the door!

Chad "explains" himself, which means he's going to say what he wants to say when he wants to say it. I'm so tired of this. Can we move on? Chad and Jordan get into a "fight", Evan asks Chad if he has any money because he reallllly wants that $7 H&M shirt that Chad so meanly destroyed.

No physical fight happens, and Chad heads on out apparently.

What a waste.

Would've loved to see Evan get punched.
Kidding.
Sort of.

Bachelorette JoJo is having a rough time as the cocktail party-rose ceremony approaches. And somehow Vinny and Daniel are still here, everyone. Let's not forget this.

Chase says, "there's no negative ENERGIES in this house right now"



I like Chase. He seems like a nice guy, but he literally always looks drunk. She seems to enjoy that though. Makeout Master, Robby, makes his move...again...by taking JoJo to a beautiful fountain and they make wishes with coins together.

J goes, "OK so how do I do this?"

I'm sorry...didn't Chad take you to a wishing well a few weeks ago. Do you not remember how to throw a coin into a body of water?

One of the James' (not A James Taylor, but James who owns a cross-fit gym..DON'T GET IT TWISTED) decides to read J one of the poems he has written her. I cringe. Did he write this? did he find this on tumblr? UGHHHH AJDGHKAJHLKADJAGH awkward times. Worst than writing her a song. *available on iTunes now!*



Alex, the hero of the week, decides that despite having a rose he will have some one-on-one time with JoJo tonight. The other guys are resentful little babies about it.

Self-proclaimed nice guy, Evan, whines about other guys with roses taking up time with JoJo. Jordan takes J aside for a quick makeout session right on the other side of the wall from the rest of the group.

Rose ceremony time! (remember: Jordan, Alex, and Luke have roses)
1- Derek - Jim Halpert lives to see another week
2- Robby - The Dark Horse
3- Chase - "who me?"
4- Wells - MY LOVE
5- Grant - FIRE BURNING ON THE DANCE FLOOR
6- Vinny - OH COME ON...what?
7- James T - *sings you a song he wrote*
8- Evan - UGH REALLY?!?!?!

Thus, sending the Other James and Canadian Psycho Daniel home. Well, I guess James F's last ditch effort poem stolen from Tumblr.com didn't work on our girl J.
I still think he was better than Vinny and Evan tbh. Also, would like to correct my earlier mistake...James does not own a cross-fit gym, but a boxing club. Which is actually a lot less douchey.
You will be missed, guys...especially Daniel, god love that entertaining weirdo.

"If this was based solely on looks, there's a good chance I would still be here. But she's going on personalities, and mine sucks," Daniel says.
I DIE.



At least he is self-aware.
What a gem.

Bachelorette JoJo tells the guys their next location will be Uruguay. Most of them do not know what that is.

Also, how am I just now realizing that almost all of these guys have the same haircut?

And I feel like Robby has gotten way sexier since episode 1? Am I making this up?

The first date goes to....Jordan.
WTF?
He's basically already in first place. What a shitty one-on-one. BOOOOOOO.

Jordan's hair is tooooooooooo fucking much. It can't be tamed. And it can't be blamed. The guys are not pleased. They say he's not trustworthy - and not going to lie - I agree. I know I initially liked The Other Rodgers but he just seems phony to me. and that hair.



The men are confident that JoJo is a "good judge of character" IS SHE THOUGH? Like, she was all about Chad until he literally admitted he was violent?

Back at the hotel, Vinny, the barber, is lining everyone up (FRESH TO DEATH YEA YEA YEA) and they find an InTouch magazine claiming JoJo was sneaking around with her ex the entire time Ben's Bachelor season was airing.
OK...like chill, homies. InTouch is the least reliable of all gossip mags. Everyone with a brain knows that. Such drama queens, FOR REAL.

The next date card arrives: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, and Alex get the group date card. We all saw that coming, AMIRIGHT? Robby IS totally ready for that one-on-one.

They're still all dwelling on that stupid fucking article. I'm legitimately mad....

What, were the producers scrambling for more drama once Chad was gone so they planted this bullshit InTouch article slandering JoJo in the guys' hotel room?? What kind of sick behavior is this?!
LET JOJO LIVE.

Meanwhile, back on the date....JoJo informs us that she knows a girl who used to date Jordan and she said he was a bad boyfriend. UMMM OK? Is this ALLOWED? Why would they put him on this show?!
I'm annoyed.

J brings it up to Jordan...and you can see the panic on his face set in. He basically has no idea what to say, and also he sooooort of admits to cheating. He says he has changed.

UGH NO NO NO.
95% of people are INCAPABLE of changing. Fight me. But it's true.
And I HIGHLY DOUBT Jordan is in the 5% bracket.



Somehow Jordan manages to make JoJo feel bad, she goes "don't be mad at me!" and kisses him repeatedly before giving him the date rose.
This is such shit. I'm annoyed.
As soon as conflict rises, they backtrack and make it fake again. That's the essence of this show though. I'm not sure why I'm surprised.

J and Jordan end their date. She talks to the camera about how great she feels, how happy she is, how nothing could take away this feeling....

Some gross producer is like "I wanted to show this to you," and hands her the dramatic InTouch magazine featuring the tell-all article from her ex-Chad (not Psycho Chad, but her actual former boyfriend)

OH COME ON.



"Ew, are you kidding me...?" she asks. YES SASSY JOJO I AM HERE FOR IT. "Why are you showing this to me...?" YES CALL HIM OUT.
Her ex is clearly full of shit. I mean, who goes to InTouch? Ew. You're gross dude.
Meanwhile, in their hotel room, the guys are having a conniption about it. Luke, my boy, is like "it sounds like complete fabrication to me...."
YES LUKE I LOVE YOU.
Jojo clearly needs her girls there to tell her that everything will be okay. Not just these dumb producers and emotional men. Where's Becca?!?! Bring her in.

J decides to go up to the men and be upfront with them and is in tears telling them she "cares so much about them" (wellllll not all of them, right?)
Robby is really cute about it.
HEY AM I TEAM ROBBY NOW?

JoJo takes her group date sand surfing which I did not know was a thing..but how lovely. There's nothing I love more than getting sand in every crevice.

Derek, aka Jim Halpert, is being a whiney baby. He's jealous of the others guys, blah blah you know.

Meanwhile, Robby and Jordan are back at the hotel netflix and chillin, having a spa day; Robby gets his one-on-one date card and is very excited
HOW CUTE.



Luke and JoJo share a cute moment together - he assures her that the article means nothing to him, and they share a sweet kiss. AWWWW LOVE YOU LUKE.

Derek is still wigging out. He comes to her, sweating, nervous. She eases his mind by making out with him. Alex, meanwhile, decides he does not like Derek. Alex thinks Derek is very calculated and manipulative. Which is exactly what Chad said...but whatever. we won't go there.

J gives the date rose to........Derek.
Eugh. Fine.

"He's an insecure little bitch," Alex says in regards to the group date pity rose.
YEEIKES.

The guys are really freaking out about who is going home/how the rose ceremony will go.

Meanwhile, JoJo takes Robby on their group date.
"I know I love JoJo...and saying it first is not a problem," he says.
WHOA WHO WHOA............Robby is IN LOVE?

they jump off a cliff together which is supposed to be symbolic I think

did I mention they were jumping into water?

Yeah. So they didn't die.
Sorry should've prefaced that.

Meanwhile, Alex and Chase play mean girls and attack poor little Derek. Derek doesn't have much to say/doesn't get confrontational. It's all very forced. Whatever.

Robby, though, is killing it on this date. They sit down at dinner together and talk about their families, and love, and shit...you know, the usual. Robby tells JoJo an emotional story about his best friend dying in a car accident :( He then tells her that he has fallen in love with her.

You guys.
Like normally I would drag this really hard, but I really enjoyed the way he told her!
I feel like he is more genuine than Jordan. I really hope he is, at least.

She obviously gives him the rose. I MEAN COME ON.



Unlike Ben though, J does not say it back.

Moving on to the cocktail party/rose ceremony.
Hellz yea.

Derek decides to immediately pull Jordan, Alex, Chase, and Robby aside and address the "mean girl clique" happening. Alex gets mad that Derek would waste his time pulling the guys aside to call them out on petty bullshit. Yet, Alex has never had a problem calling anyone out on anything. I'm not defending Derek or anything because I could give two shits about this situation. But come on, Alex, you're pretty dramatic yourself my friend. (sexy AF though)

They go back inside and the guys are like "what the hell was that about?" and Jordan is like "Derek is sad and feels like we're being mean" and my lovely lovely lovely husband Wells is like "Well, I think he just had some issues he wanted to address with you guys as men...and wasn't being childish" or something along those lines.
Good guy Wells. Always the saint! MY LOVE.
Chase doesn't care. He thinks the timing is bad and is #bitter

Papi H comes in and tells the guys that J has made up her mind so they're going to get this shit poppin and skip the cocktail hour. Thank God. My heart can't take it. And some of these guys realllllly do not need more alcohol in their systems.



Rose Time (remember Derek, Jordan, and Robby have roses)
1- Luke - HELLLLZ YEA
2- Chase - "who me?"
3- Alex - my sexy little firecracker
4- James - lives to write another song
5- Wells - YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA thank God

Thus, sending Evan (finally...did he get his shirt back ever?), Grant :(, and Vinny (yes, he is STILL there)

"I'm just so disappointed in myself," Evan cries. I mean...it's nothing you did bro...? She just wasn't into you? Like move forward, my friend. There's nothing more you could do. Like you can't force someone to be interested in you.

ALRIGHT BETCHES LET'S MOVE ON TO THIS WEEK'S EPISODE!


______________________________________________________________

This week we are in Buenos Aires y'all!

Papi H, looking DAPPER, comes up to our girl, J to check in on how things are going. Also, he loves Buenos Aires and was just casually walking around a park when he stumbled into her.

Papi H then skips over to the gents and tells them SURPRISE there will be another two-on-one date this week. LOL yeeikes.

The first date card arrives and goes to Wells! YAY MY BOYFRIEND GETS THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE FINALLY
Wait.
No but really. Happy for him.
Not only is he the only man left who has not had a one-on-one, he is also the only one left who has yet to kiss JoJo.
OMG.
The other men are shocked to hear this. Wells embraces it.



I won't lie JoJo and Wells look good together. Plus, they both have weird-ish names. They spend the beginning of the date walking around the streets of Argentina. She takes him to a play that's kind of awkward to watch because it's in the ceiling. You had to be there.

Wells keeps looking for the opportunity to kiss JoJo, but it hasn't arisen yet.
Some director guy who definitely straightens his hair comes out and tells them they will  be doing some performance art. Yikes.

They share a weird peck on the cheek WHICH I HATE.

Back at the hotel, the guys discuss that they are pretty sure she is not giving Wells a rose and he'll be headed home. Wah :(

I fear they might be right.

Although in Wells' defense, this date is getting weird. Next, they swim in this ceiling pool like they are in an aquarium. They're basically flopping around like fish and Wells is like 'OH FUCK IT' and kisses her.

It's presh.
I guess.



They move on to their dinner time. I'm not going to lie to you all. I think they're really cute together. Maybe it's just because I'm obsessed with Wells. I just think he's super different from all the other guys there and I enjoy that. But then again, could see them just being good friends in a big way... she needs someone who's sexy and wants to pin her against a wall and kiss her, not like tell her really good jokes and be adorable. But I could be wrong.
He's like "I've always had the idea of what the perfect woman should be for me...and like, never found it, so here you are." LOL uh....
he didn't exactly say that, but basically.
J immediately asked him about his ex-girlfriend.
Wells starts sweating, but is very charming about it. He says he was with his ex and saw her as more a best friend than a romantic partner. JoJo says that is exactly what happened to her in her last relationship...(before Ben)
uhoh.

Meanwhile, the date card comes to the hotel. Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex get the group. Which means Chase and Derek get the two-on-one. UH OH. it's on. nice guys face off.

Back to the date. JoJo asks Wells about his opinions on love. He is a skeptic. Which, unfortunately, you cannot be on this show. Because although this a reality show, it is not realistic. They clearly differ in opinions on love. UH OH.

J decides to not give him the rose. She enjoys him as a person, but not as a boyfriend. FINE I'LL TAKE HIM! He's my future boyfriend. So glad he has this backstory now it'll make our love all the more stronger.

Awkwardly, JoJo goes to their "post date" awkward private concert/raver ALONE.
Yeeikes.

The group date begins. James feels like he's "snuck onto a set that he's not supposed to be on" :( aww, James, you're hot too! Don't worry!
I do feel kind of bad. He's on the date with the bro-iest bro's ever. Like a lot of muscle mass on this date, y'all. They end up playing a game of street futbol with some locals. The competition is tough. At the end of the match, they have a penalty kick off. If the guy makes the goal, he gets a kiss from JoJo.

Easy. right.
WRONG. They all miss....except our musician friend, James Taylor!
NICE
Underdog game strong.



Luke pulls J away first during group date cocktail hour. They are all over each other. They for SURE want to fuck. Don't blame her. He's beautiful. I do like them a lot together. I would much rather he win over Jordan, y'all. Like how could a guy look at you like that and kiss you like that and you NOT fall in love with him?

James takes his time with JoJo, and decides to talk about Jordan - thus pulling a Leah from last season. WTF? James comes off looking a little pettttttttttttttty. He calls Jordan entitled, etc. Which is fucking true. But don't waste your time with the bachelorette talking about some other guy?! I hate that.

JoJo pulls Jordan aside and confronts him on the matter. (WHO CARES) Jordan tries to laugh it off and J is NOT happy. Jordan says he doesn't know what "entitled" is.
"I'm not entitled" he says repeatedly.
Uh...
???
that's because he always has been but whatever.

It's clear that Jordan is not taking this as seriously as JoJo. Or maybe producers are just trying to make it look that way.

Jordan re-enters the room with Robby, James, and Alex and they sit in awkward, heavy silence for a few good minutes.
Jordan asks James how is conversation went. James says it was good. Jordan asks James if his name was brought up at all and James is like "Yeah...." nice



It gets slightly heated. Jordan tells James what he did was pathetic. James says he just wants JoJo to end up with a good man. (lots of J's...amiright?) I'm confused as to how a game of poker got this out of hand. Is there more to it that the producers edited out...? I like to think James is decent and wouldn't take it that far.

JoJo diplomatically gives the date rose to Luke. Duh, they basically had sex on that couch!

Let's move on to this two-on-one.
Chase is super nervous. Derek is super confident.
Which means Derek is going home. lol
That's how this always goes.

Chase is really good looking. I'm just saying. He's the only one on this show right now who is actually pulling off that haircut in the perfect way.

JoJo takes the guys to a tango class. yeeikes.

Is the instructor not wearing panties?!? like her vagina is out, you guys.
you go girl

This is so weird. JoJo is dancing with both of them at once. Will the dance end with her choosing who gets the rose? Will he bit down on the rose between his teeth?
Classic.

J takes some one-on-one time after the tango classes with each guy. Derek gets really googley-eyed and tells her that he is falling for her, and that he is so "freaking" lucky to be sitting there with her. She then proceeds to tell Chase that he needs to open up more.

"I guess...it's like...new for me...to have to express....those things," Chase says. She basically forces it out of him as he says "I'm uh...falling for you."

Oh, Chase. lol



So JoJo must make the decision to choose between Derek and Chase. She ultimately goes with Chase, thus sending Derek home.

told you so.

the more confident guy always goes home on the two-on-one.

I think Derek was just too sensitive for her. she literally likes guys who are emotionally not-there. Which is why she will probably marry Jordan at the end of this.....

sigh

After sobbing as she whisks Derek off, she goes back to Chase (awkward private concert time...) and laughs it off/they dance.

This woman begins singing "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA" (which I always quote) which matches Derek's dark, cloudy mood as he cries in the car.

"I thought this was my time to be happy....BUT IT'S NOT" Derek cries.
"Why am I crying right now? DON'T CRY," he yells at himself.
yeeikes.
I mean everyone else has cried leaving this show. I don't know why the producers are dragging Derek so hard. They're definitely making fun of him/doing this on purpose! Which is super shitty. There is no reason this crying scene should be so long.

We move on to the rose ceremony cocktail hour.
JoJo is SLAYING in her blue gown.



Jordan pulls J aside first and re-iterates that he is serious about this and wants to be engaged by the end of this (or the next bachelor....whatever comes first...he sees that cash money fame)

Each guy takes some time to try to re-assure her that they love her the most.

It's obviously between James and Alex going home.
I mean, come on.

Rose ceremony (remember Luke and Chase are safe)
"This is HANDS down the hardest decision I've had to make" - JoJo
legggooo
1- Robby
2- Jordan
(I told you guys...between James and Alex)
Dramatic music swells.
JoJo runs off.
She needs some damn air.
She tells Papi H that she doesn't want to give out this final rose.
Wait, does this mean she's sending them BOTH home?
Papi brings two roses out
AWWWWWWWWWWWW
So she'll give roses to both of them! What a shift! Has this ever been DONE before?! Anything for our Queen J.



We have six men left, y'all. It's happening.

Until then,

Kaitie
xo