The Mystery, The Allure, The Beauty of the Unknown: Secret Santa

Good evening, friends.

I know it's been a while, but give me a break.
I hope you're all doing great and enjoying the beginning of the holiday season. If not, then hang in there because it's only going to get crazier from here.

As most of you know, I love Christmas/the Holidays (if you want to be politically correct).
Everything about it from the candy cane scented lotion that makes my skin feel electrified to the copius amounts of cookies I consume and tell myself "it's okay because it's Christmas", is wonderful. Calories don't count during December...I guess.



One of the best parts about Christmas are the  memories of childhood Christmases. I don't care what anyone says: there is no better feeling than coming down the steps on Christmas morning and seeing the tree lit up with presents wrapped beneath it.

 

 

I know, I know...the Holidays are not ALL about gifts. They are about family, friends, being thankful, showing others you love them, cookies, Santa, baby Jesus, and carols. I think some of the best Christmases I've had, besides my childhood Christmases, were the ones where I felt completely satisfied seeing someone I love opening a gift they love.

My literal emoji facial expression

 

 

One of my favorite aspects of Christmas is the mysterious and wonderful concept of "Secret Santa."

                                           

Seriously, I don't know who thought of this concept but it's great.
For those of you who do not know, aka the ones living in holes: You draw a random name and get that person a gift.
In extreme cases, like my 6th grade class, you write them secret notes giving them clues as to who you are only to reveal your true identity on Christmas.

BRILLIANT.

Personally, I remember getting really involved with Secret Santa in a way that probably isn't normal to most human beings. I would cut out letters from magazines and newspapers, you know..kind of like they do for ransom notes.

 

Fun Fact: Found this as a ransom note template on google. People now-a-days...too lazy to cut up their own ranson notes. That's what is wrong with our generation.

Each time I wrote a note I'd give my person a little gift whether it be a small candy cane or a piece of chocolate or a lock of my hair (joking.....maybe). I liked to pride myself on being an amazing Secret Santa.

I'd give them thought provoking clues like: "I'm a girl", "I have glasses", "I sit at your table at lunch", "I wear knee high socks" (I went to Catholic school, ok?)
I mean, basically, I was playing a game of 'Guess Who' but better because there were gifts involved.


Face it, Maria was the Miss. Scarlet of Guess Who...she was the prettiest and every girl wanted to be her. And she had an awesome green beret.

ANYWAYS.
I remember one year I got this kid and he was probably the exact opposite of someone I would consider a friend. I won't say names or anything but whatever. And that was tough. I mean, what do you get an 11 year old boy that you barely know?
With a five dollar spending limit?
I mean come on, I'm classy. I don't do cheap gifts.

Again, only sort of kidding.

See, this is where things..GOT INTERESTING.

I made excellent notes and clues, and I think he was growing suspicious of me...but never would I ever tell.

I decided to get him a Tech Deck. And for those of you who don't know or remember what this is...who even are you because hello: welcome to the 90s/early 2000's.
So anyways, I got this kid a Tech Deck and he was so thankful. He and all the boys in my class entertained themselves all of recess one day with that finger tip skate board, doing tricks and whatnot.



And that was the day I was a hero.

Aside from that other day I was a hero in which I saved my pet hermit crab from a fatal accident...but that's a different story, for a different day.

Anyways.

Coincidentally, that year was also the year that the person who drew my name forgot to get me a gift. It was painfully obvious when my name was called to reveal who my Secret Santa was and there was a long, awkward silence.

As I felt my face flush and my eyes well up with tears, my Secret Santa finally revealed himself and said he was sorry he couldn't get me anything. My teacher was so mortified, but also equally prepared. She handed me an extra gift that she'd wrapped: a giant Tootsie Roll.



So I mean whatever.

The point of my story is not that I got this one kid an awesome gift that was definitely beyond the $5 limit and I recieved some sort of odd chocolate candy (is it taffy? what is a tootsie roll, really?) and that life is totally unfair...BUT that what I remember most about that year was the pure joy I brought to the male population of my grade school class, if only for one day, during one recess period.

THE POINT BEING that Christmas isn't about receiving but about giving, and I truly believe that...if only through the silly example of a Tech Deck.

So I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season, whether you celebrate or not...take a second to appreciate the little joys in life. Because it's the little stuff that you remember on a bad day.

Also, I love Secret Santa.
And I'd probably make a really good kidnapper/blackmailer.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo

Annoying Television Commercial Characters: Part I

 

I’m writing a blog about annoying commercial characters AND NO ONE IS SAFE.

Here we go.

 

 

Wendy: Wendy’s

Whether she is crashing your mid-afternoon lunch party or shoving herself in your business at the park, Wendy is always there to let you know that her lunch is BETTER than yours. You know what, Wendy, fuck off.

First off, the real Wendy is a bit heavier, yes, but at least she was likeable.

The new one is skinny and irritating in a big way.

My favorite is the one where she is telling the housewives that they shouldn’t be eating that raisin they found in the car seat, but instead a new grilled chicken flatbread. You know what, Wendy, I would eat your flatbread if it wasn’t like, $5.99 for ONE THING.

I don’t know what gives her the gull to think she can constantly come around and shove fast food in people’s faces. Like, this poor guy is really happy and excited about his average hamburger and Wendy comes in like “you are a peon and look at my chicken club sandwich.”

And there is no way a girl of her stature could eat Wendy’s constantly and not get a bit heavier. So that in itself is really, really annoying.

 

 

 

British Lady: Orbit Gum

I don’t know what is the worst part about Orbit Gum commercials, the gross food-people that talk obnoxiously (i.e. egg man) or the chipper blonde lady who always dresses in green and white.

I’m going with the latter.

“Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit. (wide grin)”

OKAY.

You know what. Get a new ad campaign.

I am so sick of this woman walking around, forcing us all to eat Orbit gum. I promise you, Orbit, people are going to buy your gum without your disgusting and annoying commercials involving people with gross smelling breath and an uptight British girl (WHO BY THE WAY, NICE FAKE BLONDE HAIR) telling you that your mouth is “dirty”.

Someone is a bit too passionate about chewing gum.

 

 

John Basedow: ??

It’s not really that I dislike John Basdow. He just freaks me out really badly.

Mostly because my first memories of him were from the commercial breaks during any Nickelodeon show. And I’m sorry, but as a child, having to watch informercials with a shirtless, posing man was a bit much. I mean, that’s kind of kinky, am I right?

WHY would they advertise that on a children’s network?

John Basdow is really into himself. He is definitely the “celeb” that you’d randomly find while vacationing in Key West at some bar drinking a pina colada and then you could finally tell your friends you’ve met someone ‘famous’.

Anyways. So he was big in the early 2000s, and late 90s, but I recently saw a commercial with him in it and he could very well be 87 years old but still is freakishly ripped which scared the crap out of me.

He looked like one of those bodies they recover on crime shows that have  been dead for like 30+ years, except with killer abs.

 

 

 Remember the name.

 

Happy Lady: First Response Pregnancy Tests

This woman is suchhhh a geek about pregnancy. And thanks for being happy for me that I can get my results to my unwanted pregnancy RIGHT AWAY as opposed to waiting, like, 4 days longer for all the other tests. But no thanks.

The worst part is the fact that she hasn’t aged in a decade.

The second worst part is that she IS NOT EVEN PREGNANT.

Nor is she wearing a doctor’s white coat.

Therefore, SORRY, but she is not a reliable source.

Just because she loves pregnant people and finding out about pregnant people as soon as humanly possible does not mean I will listen to her. She is not the end all be all of pregnancy tests and when her face pops up on a commercial I cannot help but have visions of all the poor teenagers in a bathroom at a 7/11 finding out that they might potentially have to contact MTV for Teen Mom.

And where is this happy lady then, hmmm???

I’ll tell you what, she is not there.

 "Imagine...knowing the moment you get pregnant..."

 

 

 

The Literal British Stereotype: Rimmel London

“GET THE LONDON LOOK,” says the gap toothed British model.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with embracing your flaws.

In fact, she is gorgeous, yes.

But that doesn’t make her any less irritating.

John Basdow is gorgeous too, (not really) but that doesn’t mean I like him anymore.

Couldn’t they have picked someone…well…not so stereotypically British?

I just don’t like how INTO mascara she is. Like, calm down honey. I mean, in the commercial she gets arrested and is running from the cops…which I cannot, for the life of me, understand. What does that have to do with mascara? Will we ever know?

Annoying.

 

Mr. Clean: Mr. Clean

I would just like to start by saying, I have zero problem with Mr. Clean really. Or at least, I never did before. But this new ad campaign they have going has him started off as a baby and then a child, then a teen, etc. and I have multiple problems with this:

1-      He bleaches his eyebrows, I think, with his own bleach

2-      He was always bald. Does he shave everything, I wonder?

3-      He is animated, but no one else in the commercial is…?

4-      He does not speak. Just freakishly waves at people.

5-      It would really be okay if he wore something other than just white.

6-      Yet, he has an earring?

Enough said. It’s not so much that he annoys me, just freaks me out in a big way.

 

 

"The only hair on my body you ask? My eyebrows."

 

 

 

Everyone: Trojan Condoms

I don’t want to say that absolutely everyone in the history of Trojan condom commercials annoy me, but maybe like, the past 6.

I’m going to focus on three in particular:

1-      The really happy naked couple who loooove lubrication and walk around town, not giving a fuck. There are balloons involved. Which I’m not sure if that means something.

2-      The really awkward couple who are making love in what could only be described as a parachute? I know it’s probably supposed to be sheets but it keeps flying all around them, making me think of a parachute, which panics me…because what if, in the heat of the moment, they forget to keep the sheet/parachute up and it comes down and suffocates them…killing them, but more importantly, ruining the experience of ribbed condoms.

3-      The couple who can’t stop on a Miley level. They frantically run into the drug store and the girl looks like she’s actually be electrocuted because her hair is so insane. I get that they are in a rush but why do they bombard the pharmacist with questions about condoms? Just google it like the rest of us.

 

 

 

 

Orgasmic Women: Shoe Dazzle, Herbal Essences, Venus, Etc.

I don’t want to go on a feminist rant here, but all I will say is that this is old. As if women weren’t degraded enough in car commercials, cologne commercials, etc. now they have to be sexual tigers in shoe commercials and shampoo commercials WHICH ARE PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN.

Do they really think other women watch these commercials and go: “Oh, well they’re really getting off on that…which reminds me of sex…which makes me feel happy. So if I buy this, I’ll basically be climaxing like they are.”

Nah. We don’t.

So not sure who you’re trying to impress there…

 Get a new idea. ANNOYING.

 

 

Nerdy Kid with Terrible Credit and an Even Worse Car and Hits on Women Twice His Age... and Bike Lady (Who, by the way never gets her storyline resolved..):Bad Credit Score is Ruining My Game/Car Loan Pal

 

Just watch.

 

 

 

 

Nail Lady: Lays

It’s just gross and disgusting.

 

Eva Longoria: Lays

Sorry, but you’re not fooling anyone. We know Eva Longoria does not sit around eating Lays all the time.

“THEY’RE ALL MY FAVORITE!”

 

 

"Even though this is the only chip I've ever actually eaten in my life."

 

Jamie Lee Curtist: Activia

I love Jamie Lee Curtis. She’s an awesome human being.

But I do not want to imagine her pooping or hear about how great this yogurt is for her bowel movements. I’m just trying to get through the day, thanks.

 

 

Good night.

 

Until Next Time,

Kaitie

 

#blessed

 

 

Why Are We Obsessed With Fall?

Good evening.

This blog is dedicated to Sarah and her bloody mouth.



It's that time of year again, the time when people go completely gaga for the Autumn Equinox.  I understand, I get it, I'm waiting in line for the PSL, too.
Plus, if you're from the part of the world that I'm from fall is a very brief, fleeting romance..kind of like Jack and Rose. One minute it's 95 degrees and sweltering hot and the next minute you're shoveling snow out of your driveway.
Therefore, we can be very very thrilled by the brief fling we have with fall.
It used to be really more of a "guy's season" for obvious reasons: i.e. football.
Within the past decade or so, though, I've been discovering that us women get to enjoy fall just as much..and dare I say more than the men do.
We had to find something. Not generalizing that women can't be fans of sports or anything, but the men simply do not pay attention to us between the months of September-February...or..really any...other month of the year...
But that's a different  blog!


The scarf is literally enveloping her, but she still looks good because HELLO IT'S FALL.

We found solace and comfort in our infinity scarves, riding boots, pumpkin spice lattes, and pinterest crock pot recipes. AND we get to enjoy kicking our boyfriends' butts in fantasy football even though we constantly forget to update the roster.
We like tailgating, we like cheering for the first down, but we love the leather jackets, we love the combat boots, we love wearing red lip stick, and we love that we don't have to wear shorts anymore...therefore we do not have to shave our legs anymore.
Fall is wonderful for so many other reasons, too...



-All of our favorite, quality television shows come back on...none of that space filler crap we endure during the summertime months.

 

 -The leaves change and Instagram absolutely blows up with pictures of the trees...and for once, I don't mind! I'd rather look at beautiful trees than a selfie of your face captioned "#love #tuesday #alwayssmiling #selfie"



-Apples, in general are a great fruit this time of year. You never realize just how many different types of apples there are in the world until fall. Also, you never eat apples with caramel until fall comes around. I can't explain why, but you just don't...and that works for us. We want to have things to look forward to. Apple cider. If I go to heaven, I'll be drinking cider like it's my job. Hot, cold, I don't care.

-Pumpkins are awesome. An underrated gourd. Seeds are good toasted with salt. You can carve them into fun designs. You can decorate your lawn with them. If you're like the street youths in my very white suburban neighborhood, you can throw them in the road so that their guts lie everywhere. You can flavor your coffee with them (i.e. the saga, the myth, the legend: the pumpkin spice latte).

OH HELL YEAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!



-Back to school. Alright, fine. It's kind of depressing, but in a lot of ways it is also a necessary, yet exciting, evil. Back to school shopping, in particular. Lisa Frank folders, twist up crayons, those cool pencils with the little pieces of lead, notebooks (NOT COLLEGE RULED), that new backpack...it's just fun. More fun than school or class, even.

-Halloween is a fun holiday. It's one day of candy eating and excessive drinking, all while being dressed as a completely different person or object of your own choosing.


oh.
 
-Bon fires and hoodies that you go home in, smelling like a bon fire...priceless

-Snuggies. I don't even have to say anything, because I truly hope you understand the majesty of the snuggie.



-Fluffy socks. Also, not sure how much I have to explain here except it's like wrapping your feet in a baby blanket and telling them how much you love them and all they do for you.

-Thanksgiving. UM HELLO. The food. The football. The napping. What could be more American than that? (let's not mention the Pilgrims bringing over smallpox, okay?..just this once, let's be happy)

-Cuddling. I don't want to be lame and say cuddling like everyone else. BUT I'M GONNA! It is so nice to cuddle with the ones you love! In my case, my body pillow or my dog...or that spoonful of nutella.

-Pie. It's hightime for pie time. Pumpkin? Pecan? Apple? YUP, ALL OF THE ABOVE PLEASE.

-Knit hats that don't even cover my ears just because they look cute.

HOWEVER. While I love all of these things, I truly cannot understand why fall is such a popular theme on all social media outlets. If fall were a person, it would be everyone's number one on myspace, like Tom.
The only thing I can really think of is that people see Fall as a time to "Start Again"
I don't know who told people that walking to class in a new outfit while carrying a big, steamy mug of salted carmel mocha with a big Starbucks logo on the side was needed to validate a person. Why must Starbucks dictate what I drink and when I drink it? But for some reason, it does validate me.
I'm so torn.
Half of me wants to bitterly and angrily make fun of all the people (i.e. females age 15-30) who are obsessed, but the other half of me is right there with them, and not even ashamed about it.


See, I want to walk here now.
So fine.
I throw in the towel.
I'm defeated.
You make fun of me all you want.
But I'll be sitting here, drinking hot cider out of a to-go tumbler and eating a pumpkin scone, while wearing my tights, knit sweater, and oxfords, reading a random book with a hard bound cover and yellowed pages, just because it looks good, while simultaneously checking my fantasy team and Instagraming a picture of leaves.
I'm going to enjoy myself, as Rose did, while I can. I'm going to go dance below deck with the 3rd classers and show them how good I am at standing on my tip toes. I'm going to spit in my rich fiance's face, tell my mother to fuck herself, and make love to Leonardo DiCaprio in the back of a car, only after letting him paint me just like one of his French girls. Because guess what? Soon enough the iceberg will be hit, we'll be drowning, and I'll be letting Fall go, deep, deep into the ocean...
Winter will come, and I will no longer be quite as happy. There will be a piece of me missing. Sure, I'll still live a long, fulfilling life, and I'll die warm in my bed with lots of children, but the memories of fall will be there always. Only one can help remind me of the memories of fall, and that is Bill Paxton.


"I never let it in.."


Okay.
I'm getting off topic.
I can't resist bringing Bill Paxton up.
BUT MY POINT IS.
Let us all just enjoy this time of year in peace and harmony and not make fun of each other too cruelly for the #FallingForFall hashtag because soon it will be winter and we'll all be miserable, cold, and broke because of Christmas. All we'll have left is a little bit of the pumpkin spice candle left to drown our sorrows.

Until next time,
Kaitie