Betchy Bachelor Monday

Hey ya'll, and happy 2013!!!!

Woo! We have made it, we have survived, and we are doing wonderful. At least, I hope we are. I know it's been about a month since I've written and I'm sorry about that, but how much of me do you really want anyways?

I'm going to start a new blog post segment today called Betchy Bachelor Monday.
My roommate, Rebekah, so kindly (and not so forcefully) forced me to watch the Bachelor tonight and let me just tell you...OH MY GOSH.

                                         

I've always prided myself on being one of those people who can't stand the Bachelor/Bachelorette/etc. HOWEVER, I now see the error in my ways. In which before I took the show far too seriously.
Now I understand.
All The Bachelor is is a bunch of highly attractive people with weird personality disorders getting together and finding "love".
After that realization dawned on me, I began to really engross myself in it.

                                                

So now. I shall comence.
For those of you who don't watch, you're missing out and I think you should...and if you want, I will fill you in now. Which I'm going to. In case you were wondering.

Before I begin, I want you all to know..I've never been fully involved in The Bachelor before, so this is like a new experience for me. Thank God for my roommate who had to explain to me some basic things such as the concept of the "first impression rose" and the epic "bachelor gaze" that the bachelors all get in the intro as they look off into the distance like Legolas.

                                                

The episode starts off with Bachelor Sean. Apparently, Bachelor Sean's heart was previously broken when he came in 3rd place, as in 2nd loser, during Bachelorette Emily's season last year. In case you were wondering, Emily ended up with Jeff, and then they broke up because autonomic Barbie dolls with zero personality tend to not do well in serious relationships.
I know it all seems irrelevant, but I promise it has a purpose. We need to give Bachelor Sean some back story to make him interesting.

So there Sean is, blonde, beautiful, muscular, and all too perfect for real life situations. He's not some fucking annoying prick with a bad hair cut like Bachelor Ben. Sean is actually attractive and may actually be the man of my dreams and I don't even like blondes. Bachelor Sean is literally the guy standing on a mountainside saying, "Here I am, climbing a mountain in a sweater from LL Bean" or lifting without a shirt, saying, "Here I am lifting, without a shirt" AS IF HE BELONGS IN A BOFLEX AD or "Here, I am climbing up a cliff, free style, no biggie...lovin life...without a shirt" AGAIN. I DO NOT MIND THOUGH.

                                             
                                           Here he is without a shirt. So this is what it looks like.


Then, you know to make him deep, they show him sitting against a tree stump looking all poetic and shit as he talks about his dark days "getting over Emily". It makes you hate Emily, HATE. They also show him playing with his little niece and nephew which is enough to make any normal, straight woman wet immediately.

So Bachelor Sean is basically perfect with his v-neck t-shirts (that is, when he is wearing a shirt, it will be a v-neck). It is almost enough to make me question him. WTF is wrong with him that he can't pick up a girl at the bar, at the grocery store, the mall, the street, a funeral, in any place where there is a massive amount of people with a vagina generally? If he can't find someone, like, what does that say about him, you know?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM.

I try to put this worry back into my mind.

Low and behold, his intro ends and my roomie, Rebekah says she's disappointed that there was no "shower scene". At that I immediately questioned her obsession with pornography. She calmed me down and informed me that usually they will have a scene with the Bachelor in a shower, but they will NOT show any lower parts.
At that, I was also disappointed there was no shower scene.
But I think climbing a cliff shirtless is kind of more impressive.
Anyone can lather themself in soap.

Bachelor Sean gets a visit from a buddy from Emily's season who was the first loser, 2nd placer. They seem to be quite the bro's now and they take the time to pour a beer out of a bottle and into a mug to enjoy on the patio together. Just bro-ing out. Sean's buddy gives him some important advice and Sean says he is worried because he won't be able to use the "it's not you, it's me" excuse on these women because it most definitely will be them. At this, the buddies laugh as they share a cold one. I've come to realize that if put in a competition for the affection of one man or woman, men will just bro out about it all while women will most likely Tonya Harding a bitch and knock her knees out with a lead pipe in order to get herself ahead.
So that was an important moment.


because of this ass hole...



THEN they start introducting the girls which is super entertaining in itself because most of these girls are stone-cold weirdos. Like, this one girl, AshLee is obsessed with cleanliness and organization and at one point during her intro she's just sitting on this couch talking about how she can never find love and looking off into the distance LIKE A SOCIOPATH BEFORE THEY  ARE ABOUT TO MURDER 10 PEOPLE.
Then there's this other bitch, Tiara, who is talking to her Yorkie about how it's going to have a "new daddy" and that was just over-confident and weird to me. Most of these girls are talking about how they are just "an average girl" ..I beg to differ.

My favorite gal of the night probably had to be the "50 Shades of Grey" fan. This woman was an absolute lunatic and I'm not saying it's because she had a cat...but it is not a strong case for people with cats. That's all I'm saying.

Alright, then my favorite part of the night commenced in which all of the girls got out of their limos and we got to see their dresses and Bachelor Sean's first reaction, as well as his handling of super awkward situations in which every girl makes eye contact to the point of NOT BLINKING and tries to do something to make him remember her.
By girl #4, I'm so uncomfortable, that I CANNOT LOOK AT THE SCREEN.

A few stand outs were as follows:
First girl is the OCD girl and breaths his name as she gets out of the car like she's in fucking Casablanca or some shit.
The second woman busts out some red lipstick and stains his cheek, maybe forever.
50 Shades Woman busts out a gray tie and makes sexual advances at Sean without knowing him. Later, she desperately shakes her booty for him and claims that her mother already considers him a son. She just sort of throws her cat around like it's NBD.
The "It's so crazy being me" wannabe-model girl who serves no purpose to my life.
This Nashville, Cruise-Ship working girl with big boobs singing Sean a song that was 20 seconds too long for comfort.
Robyn completely wiping out in front of Sean while doing a back flip (WHICH I THINK SHE DID ON PURPOSE TO MAKE HER MORE MEMORABLE AND ENDEARING..BUT WHATEV)
Tiara is given a rose after like 13 seconds of knowing Sean!!! He literally breaks all household rules in Bachelor history by giving this Yorkie-toting psychopath a rose before all the other girls. This automatically puts a chip on her shoulder and makes her both feel superior and be super hated by all the other girls. The sassy Asian girl with a nose ring was not pleased at all and claimed that Tiara was basically an ugly troll. So, that'll be interesting.
Desiree ..I was not impressed by her, but she seems like she's going to be quite the household name this season.
Dianna is super cute and we loved her...mostly because of her Katniss braid.
ABSOLUTELY despised the "football-loving", working in D.C. "guy's girl" that pretended to do a football play with Sean just so she could check out his ass like a little slut.
Then there's this bitch in a freaking wedding dress who is a walking nightmmare. She kisses him immediately, and is compeltely desperate...this becomes more obvious when he's "getting to know her" and she's toasted as fuck acting like a college freshman at her first frat party.

THEN OMG. Chris Harrison comes out and he's all like, "whew, look at all of these bitches" with raised eyebrows and stuff, then he's all, "SO WE'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU" and we're all like holy shit, it is Emily.
Then Rebekah is like "NO IT CANNOT BE EMILY" and I'm all "YES!" and then they cut to commercial, but they show us her legs...and we are thinking maybe it is his mother or sister...but like, okay, her legs were way too foxy.
Coming back from break, we find out it is indeed Kacie from Bachelor Ben's season.
GREAT! WE LOVE HER.
Well Rebekah does, and she is an avid watcher. I do not know Kacie, but she does seem like a nice girl.

Upon watching all of the girls introduce themselves and all that I begin to realize this show is basically Miss. America but with more self doubt and panic attacks and I honestly think meeting a former murderer would be less awkward than meeting these girls. Poor Sean.

OKAY, so after all the girls introduce themselves, they are given time to "get to know" Sean in which they have about five minutes to pitch themselves. It's like a fucked up job interview for "potential wife". All I am thinking while Sean is talking to these girls is how I cannot wait to see all of the claws come out. I mean, honestly, they are so sweet and weird and awkward with Sean and then they go inside, give them a Mai Tai and they are READY TO SLAP A BITCH.

                                                    

All I keep thinking is how I would really flourish in this type of environment because I think I'd be good at starting shit with the girls, therefore distracting them, then making Sean ride off with me in the sunset. However, I don't think Sean would choose me because I've never rock climbed and am not even a C cup.

So Bachelor Sean gets all unprecedented and starts handing out all of these "first impression roses" which is totally out of control and these bitches are like "CAN HE DO THAT? WHERE IS CHRIS HARRISON? MAKE HIM TELL SEAN TO CALM DOWN."
I personally do not like what Sean did here with the first impression roses because it can be very pressuring on a girl and make her feel very bad when she doesn't get one after a brief convo with him.
Besides, aren't the roses at the end of the show still technically all "first impression" roses...I mean, how long has he known these pyschos?!

It just all made me very anxious.

A lot of these girls are very delusional about love and what marriage really is, that's all I have to say.

I think Sean might be too, but I don't want to say anything bad about him.

So anyways. The night ends and Sean only has 6 roses to give out because he fucking gave away the rest of them ALREADY. And he picks like 6 randos and lets them stay.

All I kept thinking for 2 hours as I watched the show was how uncomfortable I was and how any single 10 second clip from this show could be seen on "The Soup".

Also, I cannot wait to see the cattiness of it all because really, this is how every girl WANTS to act when other girls like the guy they like. They want it to be a contest, when in reality it is much harsher. One girl stated, "I didn't come here to make best friends" and I'm like "no shit, you came here to find a 'husband' or an acting career..."

The Bachelor does indeed make it harsh though, with it's "you are picked last in gym"/"you are now voted off the island" type rose ceremonies.

A few good things come out of tonight's episode, and no, it's not just Chris Harrison's ageless perfection. 

We decided collectively, as females (me and my 2 roommates) that we like certain girls more than others and are intrigued as to where their journey on the show will take them. They are as follows:

1. Sarah- Sarah is gorgeous, timid, and was born with only one arm. She seems to genuinely be a good person, which therefore means she probably shouldn't be on the show. But we're rooting for her.
2. Kacie- Kacie is that girl in high school that you just liked, even though she was prettier than you could ever be and had way better social skills. Her heart was broken by Ben, but she wants to try again with Sean. I personally could see them as a couple I get stuck sitting behind at some sort of event like a Kenny Chesney concert or a baseball game.
3. Taryn- We felt really bad for Taryn because she never really got a chance to talk to Sean and was almost in tears of frustration because of it. She said, "I can't fight over a guy, that's not who I am" and I wanted to shout "YEAH BECAUSE YOU ARE NORMAL!" but I think her timidness may save her in the end. Plus she has great hair.
4- Dianna- Dianna is a single mom, hair stylist who is naturally cute. She wears a bit too much make up, but that's okay because she has a Katniss side braid and seems like a pretty okay person.
5- Robyn- Robyn is a young business professional who so fatefully fell while doing a back flip during the awkward limo scene. While I hated her for doing a back flip, I also loved her for falling...she seems okay. We'll see.
6- Desiree- I didn't personally like her, but Rebekah said she did...I think she'll play a big role this season but eh..
7- Selma- Selma has a gorgeous face and we are pretty sure big, fake breasts BUT she seems fun and easy-going.
8- Paige- I don't remember who this is but I wrote her name down...?

Ultimately I will never understand why someone would want to be with someone who says they love you after knowing you for like, two days total. Are these people mentally stable? I'll never know.

I hate myself for writing this blog and conforming to this effed up society in which we have reality shows where we pick out our wives and husbands through basic competition and there are things in existence called "rose ceremonies".

With that being said, I can't wait to watch next week and am looking forward to this season. 


Until the next Betchy Monday,

Kaitie
xo


And if you're mad at me for writing a blog about the Bachelor, go screw yourself.
PS: I vote Taylor Swift for next Bachelorette.

Random Christmas Things I Geek About

Hello. Good evening.

I want to start off by warning you that the first paragraph or so is going to be filled with a rant, then I'm going to talk about happy things like Christmas, okay? If you want to skip over the rant, just don't read the red...the fun stuff will be in green. Okay?

This week has been 50 Shades of Bull Shit.
And it is Monday.
Who is with me?
I don't want to make such a grand claim that I'm the voice of my generation, but I must defend my people. We have had ENOUGH. Speaking for those I love, family, friends, classmates, neighbors, dogs, elephants...I want to say, WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH CAN I GET AN AMEN?!
This week is complete and utter bull shit and I will tell you why. Personally, as a college student quickly approaching her final's week (as if that wasn't stressful enough) I have to deal with this week which doesn't even have a defintion, it's so bad. Walking onto campus today, I could feel the gloom of impending doom. No one I know is happy. I saw various people break down in tears today...TEARS. In class. In the hall way. In the bathroom. I myself cried twice from pure exhaustion and frustration.
Group projects (excuse my french..) can suck my big, non-existent dick. You know what I get for working my ass off all semester for mediocre 10/10 grades? I get a 200 point GROUP project that includes popsicle sticks. I am 21 years old. Everything I've worked for, every book I've read, every ridiculously pointless article I've read and analyzed...that stuff, eh, junk change. What really matters? Whether or not I can manage doing a group project in which my fate is COMPLETELY IN THEIR HANDS.
I understand the point of group projects, I get it. We need to learn to work as a team. Trust me, it's taught me so much...really, it has.
It has taught me THAT I HATE PEOPLE AND MY LIFE. THANKS.
Stubborn professors can also suck my beep. They, out of anyone, should understand frustrations students have. They're the ones who do this to us. Do they have a clue? Maybe. Maybe they did 25 years ago, but now they're old, mean, and send short, rude e-mails that make me feel like I am the size of a pin needle. Do you ever notice how they end their e-mails with: "come see me in office hours if you want to talk more". WHAT, so I can get rejected and belittled in person as opposed to e-mail?
I'll pass.
Final assessments are a sick joke.
"I'm going to give you multiple choice tests all semester, but at the end I want a 10 page essay describing to me what you've learned...it'll be worth half your points for your grade."
Bitch, bye.
Final papers. I'm honestly pissing myself off, I don't even want to talk about this. But you all get it.
Exams...having exams before finals week is basically like shooting someone in the leg, letting them lose half their blood, then shooting them in the face. Or it's like being let out of a prison cell only after months of oppression to be pushed to your death in front of a bus by Cady Heron.
The worst are when they're like "okay, here's your last exam in the class over chapters 17-20...oh but wait, then you have a cumulative final!" WERE YOU HUGGED AS A CHILD?
When people say, "oh the semester is really winding down.." really? I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff and you're catching up on your Netflix Queue? What classes are YOU taking?

I'm done with my rant.
I just wanted to do that because I am in major warrior mood right now and I also drank a lot of soda.
Just know this fellow collegians, you're not alone. I believe in you, I really do. You've made it this far for a reason...we just have to get through this last week.
If I see you crying on a bench alone in the Library, I will understand. Just know, I'm rooting for ya.

NOW
On to fun things.
Bitches love Christmas. Christmas is just so jolly and fun! Actually, the whole Holiday season is super fun. Hanukkah is awesome. Kwanza. It's just all so exciting, and a perfect way to end the year. Even though you're dirt poor, cold, and in some cases have to deal with crazy family...it's Christmas, and you love it because that's what the world is telling you.
I don't want to talk about all the average fun things about Christmas traditions like Egg Nog and Singing Carols. I'm going to talk about the weird, random stuff that makes me happy about this season. Ready?
Okay!

That one creepy ornament.
Every year while decorating the tree, there's always that ornament. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that every year you look at and say, "why do we keep this? It's so ugly and disgusting." Then your mom tells you that some random customer from 25 yeas ago got it for her and she's had it ever since.
I love this ornament!
It's like the awkward outcast that no one understands, but it's still part of the grand scheme of things.
Without this ornament, the tree would simply NOT BE.

Baby fetus with combat gear ornament. (bow not included)

 

 

These Things

 



 

I honestly don't know what could be more festive than these. I particularly love the trees with the snow on them and how they are so fun to brush your hair with. Plus, they light up, sometimes they make noise, sometimes they change color, sometimes they are magnetic and the little figures ice skate on them. Sometimes you get a random, disproportionately large character that is super awkward but you put him in the middle anyways. You'd spend an hour setting it up, moving it around every which way, then you're little sibling would fuck it all up and you'd cry.

 

Advent Calendars

 

There is something all too satisfying about opening a little door and not knowing what is behind it. Sometimes, there are even treats. I feel for non-Christians because they don't even know what this is. I tell you, even if you don't believe in God, you should get one because they are super fun.

 

                                                            

 

Leaving Carrots for the reindeer

 

A lot of people leave cookies for Santa, but how many leave carrots for the reindeer. How amazing is that? It's interesting that you'd only put out about 4 carrots and all 9 reindeer were to be fed. Who gets to decide who gets the carrots? Maybe they take turns? Santa is a fat ass and just eats all the cookies, but those reindeer, gosh, they're the ones flying about in the air! They need protein, man. This year I'll leave them powder.

 

                                                

 

Hallmark Romantic Holiday Movies

 

I have gone 21 years of life and still ask the question: how can you be a human being an not like Hallmark Rom-Coms?

They're light hearted, fun, full of predictable wonder, and most importantly always contain two very attractive individuals who are able to find one another against all odds.

I'm not asking to watch a movie that challenges my intellectual capablities. I've seen Fight Club. I've seen Pulp Fiction. But I will never feel as good and satisfied figuring out what Inception means in comparison to the feeling my heart gets at the end of a Hallmark movie when she says, "I do."

 

                                                 

 

Festive dog scarves

 

Dressing up your dog in festive gear on Halloween and Christmas is almost essential if you want to be a real person. Putting reindeer ears on my dog automatically makes her cuter. She also loves her festive holiday scarf. My love for her knows no bounds when she puts her scarf on. That's how I know it's really Christmas.

 

 

 

Lame ass Kay Jeweler Commercials

 

Some of my favorite things in life to make fun of are Kay Jeweler commercials, and I do so on a daily basis. But nothing brings me more joy than when the holiday season comes around and the VERY and particularly stupid/hilarious Kay commercials arive.

 

Here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltA50HKyM14

This one is my favorite, you're so welcome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSsFX0RaPMc

 

Those Classic and Awesome Hershey's and Campbell Soup commercials

 

Who didn't have a VCR recorded tape of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas on a Sunday night special on abc from when they were 4? These were the commercials always on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEvqAXKGa54

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9L-_EMuGRU

 

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

 

Velvet outfit sets.

 

Ladies, can I get a what-what?!?!

 

                                                            

 

Clark Griswold

 

We can all see a little bit of Clark in our fathers. Especially when Mom decides to host Christmas this year.

 

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse."

 

                                                        

 

"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer... "

 

                                                     

 

"Hey Griswold, where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?"

"Bend over and I'll show you."

"You've got a lot of nerve talking like that, Griswold."

"I wasn't talking to you."

 

                                                 

Todd and Margo <3

 

 

Ralphie and Randy

 

Why can't I, too, have pink bunny pajamas?

I learned a lot from that  movie, like you can't put your arms down till you get to school, that I better be sure to drink my Ovaltine (son of a bitch), sticking your tongue to a frozen flag pole is no bueno, it's not just a lamp, it's a major award, and you most likely will shoot your eye out with a Red Rider BB Gun.

Also, little kids swearing will always be hilarious.

 

NADDAFINGA!!

 

                                               

 

Having batteries.

There is nothing more disheartening (besides finals week) than opening a brand new toy and not having any freaking batteries to go with them.

Santa, you're a cruel man for this reason.

When they are present, you cherish them. I LOVE YOU, BATTERIES.

 

Men Christmas Eve shopping.

Go to the mall on the day of Christmas Eve. Now, go to the jewelry story (Kay Jeweler's..).

Good luck not seeing any females in that place at all.

It never ceases to amaze me that men wait till the absolute last minute for everything.

Women, we've got it right...Black Friday shopping, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday...Christmas shopping is a sport.

For men, it's a forgotten nightmare that can somehow only be realized 12 hours before the actual event.

 

Everyone says they're going to watch A Christmas Carol, when really, they watch Elf.

 

Let's just be honest.

 

Wreaths.

 

Wreaths get zero respect. They deserve it. Christmas Trees are fun, but they're bulky and can sometimes be tacky and ridiculous. Wreaths are always classy bitches. I see you, wreath.

 

                                                      

 

The calm after.

 

There is normally a feeling of sadness the night you get home from all the Christmas festivities, however, it is also a time of peace and calm. The presents may still be lying all about the living room, wrapping paper everywhere, Dad's still hungover, you've got your ugly pajamas on and have already eaten half your stocking candy, but it's calm, it's wonderful...and it's completely underrated.

 

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Now, I hope you all enjoyed the blog. It was a long one, I know. If you have other random little loves and quirks of Christmas, let me know! I'll write about it some other time. I know I left out tons.

 

I hope that my blog, however ridiculous and crazy it is, cheers you up during this chaotic time in your life/week/month/year/whatever. And know that I give a shit about you, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this to try and please/entertain you.

 

Have a good one.

 

Until next time,

 

Kaitie

xo

 

 

**ALSO, forgive any spelling mistakes. I didn't edit this before I posted. And if you can't forgive me then go screw yourself and get a life.

 

Happy Holidays.



The Process

Good evening.

I'm having some troubles with change.

By that, I mean now the font is Helvetica. Not as stereotypical as Times News, but kind of like if Times New and Arial got together and had a little, serious baby.

Anyways.

Tonight I want to talk about the process of getting ready for the average college-aged female. I'm talking the All-American college female, not the "I go to Berkeley and don't wear make up or shave my arm pits" kind of girl.

Now, this is not a new idea that women are forever taking longer to get ready than men. It is just a known thing. I am going to explain why this happens.

First off, one must realize that getting ready isn't just slapping on a short skirt and heels, lathering your face in makeup, and calling it a night.

Oh no, no, no. Stop.

It is so much more than that.

It is, for the female, an entire part of the 'going out' experience that is detrimentally important for having a "prime night" as the British say.

I am going to take you through it step by step.

Step 1: "I need a drink"

It is a little after 1 o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday. You've awoken, eaten some Cheerios, maybe worked out if you're a psycho, and had a nice hangover juice cleanse for the morning.
Now it is time to start again.
This, believe it or not, is a very important stage. It says: "I'm ready to go, let Saturday commence"
Your friend will most likely ask to you, "Are you still drunk?"
In which case you will most likely reply, "I'm not sure, but I ate a banana, so I think I'm good to go."

Step 2: "Let's eat something"

This happens around 4 pm. You've had a few cocktails, but nothing serious. It's time for some food that will count as both lunch and supper. So we must think wisely. (NOTE: Girls on diets don't count in this section...sorry, but good for you! keep up the good work!)
Chipotle is almost always the answer. Panera bread bowls are a close second. McDonalds is for broke bitches like me, and if you're feeling really crazy or have had more than a few cocktails before 4 pm--pasta.

After devouring your face into a pile of food that you know you could never work off in one work out on an elliptical, you are ready for the next step...

Step 3: Nap time

Nap time only counts and makes any sense if you fall asleep when it is still light out and wake up when it is dark.
It feels like a whole new day!

You may wake up feeling like this, but there is no guarantee.

Step 4: Shower

Necessary.
If it is winter or you plan on not getting laid that night, there is no need to shave, so that's good.

Step 5: "I need another drink"

You don't want to make yourself anything too crazy because you still have to do your makeup, beware of that.

Step 6: Turn up the music

You and your friends/roommates take this time to decide which one of you gets to play the nighttime DJ for the evening. It is usually the girl with the best playlist.
Attention--do not EVER let the girl who just went through a break up or fight with her boyfriend to be the DJ for the evening--she will most likely choose Celine Dion, Taylor Swift, and sad Beyonce songs for the rest of the night.

My personal favorite pump up song is "He Loves Me, He Loves U Not" by Dream.

No thank you.

Step 7 interlude: gossip

Step 7: Outfit choice

It is important to give yourself plenty of time to pick out an outfit. You will most likely always change 2-5 times before actually going out, so having an idea of what you want may or may not matter depending on who you are.
For me personally, I go into the night saying, "jeans and cute shirt" or "skirt and tights" or "tank top and skinny jeans". It's important to know these things.
Otherwise, it's like walking into Chipotle and there is no line and you can't decide whether or not you're in the mood for a burrito or a burrito bowl, but you have to make a decision because those Chipotle workers don't have time for YOUR BULLSHIT.
Just like that, there is no time for bull shit.
Pick a rough outfit and make sure if you decide to wear heels that you can commit to those heels for the remainder of the night.
As I always say, don't commit to shoes that you can't handle, bitch.

These are ALMOST never okay..

Step 8 Interlude: Pee.

Step 8: "Can someone mix me a drink?"

Congratulate yourself for narrowing down your outfit choice by having another cocktail.

Step 9: "Can I use your curler?"

The hair portion of the evening is probably the most annoying part of the night.
Because A- your straightener doesn't work, B- you can never curl the back of your own hair, and C- ain't nobody got time for that shit
Unless you have given yourself a proper amount of time to do your hair, this portion of the evening can be very tricky and suspenseful.
There's always that one girl in the group who gets done before everyone else and when you ask why she'll say, "I'm just letting my hair go natural," then she'll flip her ridiculously impressive hair in your face and you'll secretly hate her.
Pay no mind to her.
Your job now is to make sure that you are fully capable of finishing the task at hand.

Step 10 interlude: Pee.

Step 10: More people arrive

At this point, your guests begin to arrive, including men who just don't undersand anything about 'the process' so it becomes just...insane.
At this point, you feel rushed and annoyed.
But it's all so thrilling that you don't even care!
Also, you have to refill your drink at this point

Step 11 interlude: one of the girls in your group has a semi-mental breakdown, saying they cannot go, that they aren't ready to out this soon after the break up, that they feel fat, or are on their period...the women must ban together and convince this girl to stop being a whiny loser.

Step 11: Outfit change

After seeing that you're the only girl in your group wearing a skirt, you decide to change.

Step 12: Makeup Time

Just remember, no one likes a raccoon.
Hopefully you're not buzzed at this point, otherwise, you're screwed.

The time has come.

Step 13: Shot

Enough said.

Step 14 interlude: Pee.

Step 14: Obligatory theme song

Every group has a theme song.
Ours is usually a One Direction one.
Or play Gangnam Style--just to get everyone's blood flowing.

We will have a good time tonight, don't ruin this for me.

Step 15: Unneccessary Facebook/Twitter time

Just because you can, and you want to see what everyone else is up to.

Step 16: Outfit and/or shoe change

It's a rule that at least one person has to change something twenty minutes before you're about to leave.

Step 17: Put the clutch together

ID, PHONE, KEYS, ID, PHONE, KEYS!!!  always. And sometimes the following:
Lipgloss, inhaler, gum, flask, tissues, tampon, spermicidal lube.. (joking. kind of..)

Step 18 interlude: Pee.

Step 18: Picture time!

At this point, you're running late. But you just took about 6 hours to get ready and want to document it somehow.
Make sure you get your shoes in the picture, especially if you plan on changing into more comfortable ones before you leave the house.

Guilty, Jean Luc, guilty..

Step 19: SHOT

See step 13

Step 20: "I can't find my ID."

There's always that one ass hole..

Step 21: Final pee time.

Step 22: Perfume/body spray

If you haven't already, please do, thanks.

Step 23: Eat a cupcake.

This might be a personal thing, but 23 is always my favorite step.

Step 24: SHOT

Step 25: Cry about being single



Step 26: Drunk text ex

Step 27: Lights off.

Step 28: Off we go!

____________________

Now see, isn't that just the most interesting thing you've ever read?

There you have it, The Process, the 28 simple steps of how the average female (with apparently a lot of free time on a Saturday..) operates before she is therefore prepared to go out on the town.

Obviously, there are varations.

However, the peeing ratio is almost always accurate to this process.

Until next time,

Kaitie
xo