Annoying Television Commercial Characters: Part I

 

I’m writing a blog about annoying commercial characters AND NO ONE IS SAFE.

Here we go.

 

 

Wendy: Wendy’s

Whether she is crashing your mid-afternoon lunch party or shoving herself in your business at the park, Wendy is always there to let you know that her lunch is BETTER than yours. You know what, Wendy, fuck off.

First off, the real Wendy is a bit heavier, yes, but at least she was likeable.

The new one is skinny and irritating in a big way.

My favorite is the one where she is telling the housewives that they shouldn’t be eating that raisin they found in the car seat, but instead a new grilled chicken flatbread. You know what, Wendy, I would eat your flatbread if it wasn’t like, $5.99 for ONE THING.

I don’t know what gives her the gull to think she can constantly come around and shove fast food in people’s faces. Like, this poor guy is really happy and excited about his average hamburger and Wendy comes in like “you are a peon and look at my chicken club sandwich.”

And there is no way a girl of her stature could eat Wendy’s constantly and not get a bit heavier. So that in itself is really, really annoying.

 

 

 

British Lady: Orbit Gum

I don’t know what is the worst part about Orbit Gum commercials, the gross food-people that talk obnoxiously (i.e. egg man) or the chipper blonde lady who always dresses in green and white.

I’m going with the latter.

“Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit. (wide grin)”

OKAY.

You know what. Get a new ad campaign.

I am so sick of this woman walking around, forcing us all to eat Orbit gum. I promise you, Orbit, people are going to buy your gum without your disgusting and annoying commercials involving people with gross smelling breath and an uptight British girl (WHO BY THE WAY, NICE FAKE BLONDE HAIR) telling you that your mouth is “dirty”.

Someone is a bit too passionate about chewing gum.

 

 

John Basedow: ??

It’s not really that I dislike John Basdow. He just freaks me out really badly.

Mostly because my first memories of him were from the commercial breaks during any Nickelodeon show. And I’m sorry, but as a child, having to watch informercials with a shirtless, posing man was a bit much. I mean, that’s kind of kinky, am I right?

WHY would they advertise that on a children’s network?

John Basdow is really into himself. He is definitely the “celeb” that you’d randomly find while vacationing in Key West at some bar drinking a pina colada and then you could finally tell your friends you’ve met someone ‘famous’.

Anyways. So he was big in the early 2000s, and late 90s, but I recently saw a commercial with him in it and he could very well be 87 years old but still is freakishly ripped which scared the crap out of me.

He looked like one of those bodies they recover on crime shows that have  been dead for like 30+ years, except with killer abs.

 

 

 Remember the name.

 

Happy Lady: First Response Pregnancy Tests

This woman is suchhhh a geek about pregnancy. And thanks for being happy for me that I can get my results to my unwanted pregnancy RIGHT AWAY as opposed to waiting, like, 4 days longer for all the other tests. But no thanks.

The worst part is the fact that she hasn’t aged in a decade.

The second worst part is that she IS NOT EVEN PREGNANT.

Nor is she wearing a doctor’s white coat.

Therefore, SORRY, but she is not a reliable source.

Just because she loves pregnant people and finding out about pregnant people as soon as humanly possible does not mean I will listen to her. She is not the end all be all of pregnancy tests and when her face pops up on a commercial I cannot help but have visions of all the poor teenagers in a bathroom at a 7/11 finding out that they might potentially have to contact MTV for Teen Mom.

And where is this happy lady then, hmmm???

I’ll tell you what, she is not there.

 "Imagine...knowing the moment you get pregnant..."

 

 

 

The Literal British Stereotype: Rimmel London

“GET THE LONDON LOOK,” says the gap toothed British model.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with embracing your flaws.

In fact, she is gorgeous, yes.

But that doesn’t make her any less irritating.

John Basdow is gorgeous too, (not really) but that doesn’t mean I like him anymore.

Couldn’t they have picked someone…well…not so stereotypically British?

I just don’t like how INTO mascara she is. Like, calm down honey. I mean, in the commercial she gets arrested and is running from the cops…which I cannot, for the life of me, understand. What does that have to do with mascara? Will we ever know?

Annoying.

 

Mr. Clean: Mr. Clean

I would just like to start by saying, I have zero problem with Mr. Clean really. Or at least, I never did before. But this new ad campaign they have going has him started off as a baby and then a child, then a teen, etc. and I have multiple problems with this:

1-      He bleaches his eyebrows, I think, with his own bleach

2-      He was always bald. Does he shave everything, I wonder?

3-      He is animated, but no one else in the commercial is…?

4-      He does not speak. Just freakishly waves at people.

5-      It would really be okay if he wore something other than just white.

6-      Yet, he has an earring?

Enough said. It’s not so much that he annoys me, just freaks me out in a big way.

 

 

"The only hair on my body you ask? My eyebrows."

 

 

 

Everyone: Trojan Condoms

I don’t want to say that absolutely everyone in the history of Trojan condom commercials annoy me, but maybe like, the past 6.

I’m going to focus on three in particular:

1-      The really happy naked couple who loooove lubrication and walk around town, not giving a fuck. There are balloons involved. Which I’m not sure if that means something.

2-      The really awkward couple who are making love in what could only be described as a parachute? I know it’s probably supposed to be sheets but it keeps flying all around them, making me think of a parachute, which panics me…because what if, in the heat of the moment, they forget to keep the sheet/parachute up and it comes down and suffocates them…killing them, but more importantly, ruining the experience of ribbed condoms.

3-      The couple who can’t stop on a Miley level. They frantically run into the drug store and the girl looks like she’s actually be electrocuted because her hair is so insane. I get that they are in a rush but why do they bombard the pharmacist with questions about condoms? Just google it like the rest of us.

 

 

 

 

Orgasmic Women: Shoe Dazzle, Herbal Essences, Venus, Etc.

I don’t want to go on a feminist rant here, but all I will say is that this is old. As if women weren’t degraded enough in car commercials, cologne commercials, etc. now they have to be sexual tigers in shoe commercials and shampoo commercials WHICH ARE PRODUCTS FOR WOMEN.

Do they really think other women watch these commercials and go: “Oh, well they’re really getting off on that…which reminds me of sex…which makes me feel happy. So if I buy this, I’ll basically be climaxing like they are.”

Nah. We don’t.

So not sure who you’re trying to impress there…

 Get a new idea. ANNOYING.

 

 

Nerdy Kid with Terrible Credit and an Even Worse Car and Hits on Women Twice His Age... and Bike Lady (Who, by the way never gets her storyline resolved..):Bad Credit Score is Ruining My Game/Car Loan Pal

 

Just watch.

 

 

 

 

Nail Lady: Lays

It’s just gross and disgusting.

 

Eva Longoria: Lays

Sorry, but you’re not fooling anyone. We know Eva Longoria does not sit around eating Lays all the time.

“THEY’RE ALL MY FAVORITE!”

 

 

"Even though this is the only chip I've ever actually eaten in my life."

 

Jamie Lee Curtist: Activia

I love Jamie Lee Curtis. She’s an awesome human being.

But I do not want to imagine her pooping or hear about how great this yogurt is for her bowel movements. I’m just trying to get through the day, thanks.

 

 

Good night.

 

Until Next Time,

Kaitie

 

#blessed